Relinquishing custody of my teenaged son

Replies:

• 
• by
  • SeadooMom
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 12:00 PM
• You are absolutely doing the right thing. I had a lot of problems with my son, Brian after my divorce. It started his Junior year in high school. By Senior year I couldn't even get him to get up and go to school because he was always up all night and out with friends. He ran away once, he was causing terrible trouble between my new husband and I..... so I kicked him out even though he was only 17. He wasn't homeless on the street, he slept over at various friend's homes but it was still hard. I told him if he got and job or was enrolled (and attending) school he could come home. Eventually, my brother got him a summer job in another town so he went and worked for him for 2 months. In doing that, my mom took him down to get his license because he had an old car laying around that he could drive. He quit his job and came back to town and I wouldn't let him come home. He was really mad. He basically lived out of his car for about 6 months. Eventually, he would call me about once a week and ask if he could take a shower or do a load of laundry. Sometimes I would meet him at the grocery store and buy him some groceries, or give him a gas card. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But you know what? It worked. He now has a full-time job (with benefits), still no diploma but he talks about getting it. He pays me $200 per month rent and never asks me for money. It's amazing. He even got me a birthday present this year and that was something he used to always blow off.
  
  Be thankful that your son can go live with his dad. My ex-husband is an addict so I couldn't send my son to live with him, or I would have. By doing this just think of the future trouble and disasters you are preventing for your son. I love my son, but I have to say that young boys, even up into their early 20's are stupid. They make stupid decisions, do stupid things, and often times get into trouble over their head, or end up dead in some stupid accident. You could be preventing a lot of this by giving him the boot. I know you are doing this out of love and believe me I know how it hurts your heart. My chest would hurt so much. I missed him and worried about him, but I helped him grow up and appreciate what he has. It turned out to be the best thing I ever did for him!
  
  Remember....you are his mother and he will always love you and will always forgive you.
  
  Carrie

• 
• by
  • Ewadun
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 12:26 PM

• Thank you so much for your reply. It took a huge load off my heart. I say all the time, there is no substitute for experience. You, like me, are a seasoned Mom and I could hear through the power of silence, all that you didn't say. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm gonna start packing up my son's room. I'll, no doubt, have to give up my 3 bedroom apmt for a 2 bedroom now. But at least, my daughter and I won't be homeless.

  

• 
• by
  • mary717
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 4:29 PM

• I believe that you are doing the best thing for your son. With his father, and his consequenses for misbehavior, your son will hopefully turn around his thinking. Obviously, your son needs a stronger hand to get through this hard time...and you will still be there for him to give all the love and support that you always do. You're giving him the opportunity to come through this a good man. In my opinion, you're a great mom for being able to make such a hard decision. I applaud you!

• 
• by
  • summerdayz
  on Jul. 5, 2009 at 2:49 PM

• Good luck with everything.

                        

• 
• by
  • SeadooMom
  on Jul. 6, 2009 at 12:09 AM
• I am so glad I could help you feel better! Believe me, I feel your pain. As moms I think the best thing we can do for our sons is not create mama's boys out of them. We need to show tough love and have boundaries. A big part of that is respecting ourselves. We wouldn't allow step kids to treat us like our own kids do. That's one thing I've learned now that I have two step daughters. If I wouldn't take it from my step kids, I'd better not take it from my own either!
  
  I'm proud of you. Stay strong through your son's anger. Just keep telling him that you love him and check in with him a lot. I would text my son "goodnight" and "I love you" every single night. The first couple weeks he didn't always respond, then he started responding each night.
  
  Be good to yourself and you'll be a better mother.

• 
• by
  • csjoy1
  on Jul. 6, 2009 at 2:41 AM

• I CAN FEEL YOUR ANQUISH, THE HEART AND THE HEAD DOESN'T ALWAYS LINE UP, AND LOVING A CHILD AND HAVING TO LET GO IS THE TOUGHEST, I KNOW CAUSE THE END OF THE LINE FOR MY SON TJ HAS COME UP.   HE'S 18 AND IT JUST BREAKS MY HEART, CAUSE HE'S DONE 180 DEGREE CHANGE.   I EXTENDED HIM AN EXTRA TWO WEEKS SINCE I WAS SUPPOSE TO EVICT HIM BY JUNE 30TH.   HE MANAGED TO SOFTEN MY HEART, ONLY TO BREAK IT AGAIN.   I TOO HAD TO SPEAK WITH HIS DAD, AND COME THIS FRIDAY, HIS DAD WILL BE PRESENT AS I GET ALL HIS STUFF OUT OF OUR APARTMENT.  HE'S 18 GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL AND HAS NO INTENTION TO GET A FULL TIME JOB, DRIVER'S LICENSE, CONTINUE WITH HIS SCHOOLING, WHETHER THAT'S TRADE SCHOOL OR COLLEGE.  HE JUST WANTS TO HANG OUT FOR THE SUMMER WHILE HIS MOM PAYS FOR ALL HIS BILLS .  NO WAY EVICTION IS GOING TO HAPPEN.  ,i WILL SCHEDULE MOVING ETC., AS WELL AS HAVE CLEANERS COME IN AND TRASH OUT WHAT EVER HE ISN'T GOING TO CARRY WITH HIM AND IT WILL KILL ME INSIDE.  IT WILL FEEL LIKE A DEATH.  HOWEVER,   THE DIS RESPECT HAS GOTTEN SO OUT OF HAND THAT I AM NOW SOMEWHAT AFRAID OF HIM.  IT JUST AIN'T WORTH THE LET DOWNS, THE LYING CONTINUALLY, AND FOUL LANGUAGE.  EMOTIONALLY I'M SO DISAPPOINTED, BUT IN REALITY, HE'S PUSHED ME TO MY END.  I'M NOT OPTING TO BE HIS DOOR MAT.  ONCE I WAS THE APPLE OF HIS EYE, TODAY I'M WORST THAN TRASH. 

  HANG IN THERE MOM, YOU'VE DONE RIGHT, AND AT 25 IF HE HASN'T MET YOU HALF WAY BY NOW, HE MAY NEVER.  I'M READING A GREAT BOOK, WHERE ENABLING MY SON HAS BROUGHT ME TO THIS POINT IN MY LIFE.  I DO PRAY THAT YOU GET TO SEE YOUR SON DEVELOP INTO THE YOUNG MAN YOU KNOW HE CAN BE.  TAKE CARE AND YOU ARE FREE TO STAY IN TOUCH.  CSJOY1

• 
• by
  • Ewadun
  on Jul. 9, 2009 at 10:10 AM

• CSJoy, the problem isn't with my 25 year old, Jason,  it's with my 14 year old, Malek. My husband reports that Malek is slowly coming out of his shell and smilingagain. So, thus far, it definitely looks like I made the right decision. I have no idea why Malek feels so disrespectful towards me. Whatever, I can't afford to waste any more time trying to analyze how this occurred.

  I've begun cleaning out Malek's room and deciding what I'm going to mail, freecycle, throw out, etc. I'm amazed myself by no longer crying about this. Acceptance is definitely the spiritual principle involved.

• 
• by
  • elvir2babes
  on Jul. 10, 2009 at 1:03 PM

• That is a really hard thing for a mom to do!

   

  
  

  Divorced, Separated, Single or Widowed Moms! Check out this awesome group!! http://www.cafemom.com/group/ConfidentSingleMoms
  

• 
• by
  • grace65746
  on Jul. 11, 2009 at 8:45 AM

• I will be praying for you because I know how hard it will be. My dad had to do that with several of my brothers and sisters. I watched how it hurt him and my mom. My mom almost gave in but my dad wouldn't let her and it has turned out for the best. My brothers and sisters have really learned to take resposibility for their own actions. Now they have kids of their own and now they really understand why dad put them out of the house when they wouldn't follow the rules. My dad calls it tough love because it kills you inside but it is the only option sometimes to bring peace to a house. I am the oldest of 11 kids, I am also from my dad's first marriage and my stepmom is more my mom than my real mom. She had one son from her first marriage and my dad and her have four kids together. Then they adopted 5 more. Our house has always been a blended family, but it still had the same problems your talking about. I know what you are doing is for the best and I pray that it will get easier for you.

  

  Grace

• 
• by
  • bgdvil
  on Jul. 11, 2009 at 9:03 AM

• we can only do our best, and you did your best.  We are always so hard on ourselfs, but he is going to his dads.  Thats a good thing I will be thinking of you, and hopefully next year at this time your son will have out grown it..
  

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