Relinquishing custody of my teenaged son

Replies:

• 
• by
  • LadyJ967
  on Jul. 13, 2009 at 12:53 PM

• I feel for you. I know exactily how you feel I am a single parent raising two teenage boys. I divorced 8 years ago. and there father really didn't help if there was a problem it was do what your mother says!!!...I have a 16 year old I am going through the same thing with But the benefit  you have over me is... Three years ago he and his now 18 year old brother was placed on probation for breaking and entering and they both received punishment till they turned 18 and a fine. The older son did his time and grew out of the troublement he was in He graduated, got a job and moved out and got an apartment with his longtime girlfriend. doing very well. I have a boyfriend whom once was my fiance due to the problems with my 16 year old we canceled the marriage until  he get out on his own. The problem is his probation officer won't due anything he makes his reports and claims it's all me. i tried to relinquish custody but they said it wouldn't work due to his father won't take an active part in his life. He has guns pulled on him and I'm afaid for his life but for all the police reports and staying in contact with his probation offiicer nothing has helped. I feel if you can relinquish your rights go ahead and he will come to grips with his choices he has made , my blessing and heart are with you.

  Lady J

• 
• by
  • ohmommamia
  on Jul. 13, 2009 at 1:10 PM

• Iam sure this the hardest decision you have ever had to make and I am proud that you could put your feelings aside and think of what is best for you son.  To save his future apparently he needs the tough had of his father.  I hope everything works out for you and your son.

• 
• by
  • Ewadun
  on Jul. 14, 2009 at 5:48 AM

• Thank you all for your kind words of support. In another group, I was accused of not loving my son. But then again, very few of those mothers have teenagers. Naturally, I love my son but this is about doing what is best for him and if him going to live with my hubby is it, so be it.

• 
• by
  • T-Howe
  on Jul. 14, 2009 at 4:29 PM

• OK....I can really understand the inclination of wanting to do that BUT isn't that teaching your son that his is just a problem to be handed off? When things get hard.....hand the problem off? Sorry I just can't agree. And I do have a problem teenage son and have been to hell and back BUT that's my job....I am his mother.....it was my decision to bring him into this world and ultimately us as parents that shape them.....the good and the bad. Couldn't imagine just shoving him off like some unwanted problem and to split up siblings......I could NOT do it. Good luck with that.
  

• 
• by
  • Barbara3js
  on Jul. 14, 2009 at 5:06 PM

• How sad that your landlord feels that you should "get rid" of your son.  Lucky for all of you, that does NOT sound like what you are doing, nor do I think that you are passing his problems off onto someone else.  There was another party present when you created him, and if it will be in his best interest to live with his dad for a while, then so be it.  I am sad for you because I can't imagine a full time life without my 14 year old, but if he could do better without me, I guess I would have to make the adjustment.  Best wishes to all of you.

  Barbara   

  
  

  Year 2000 Kids! Group Administrator

• 
• by
  • Ewadun
  on Jul. 14, 2009 at 9:53 PM

•  

  Quoting T-Howe:
  
  

  OK....I can really understand the inclination of wanting to do that BUT isn't that teaching your son that his is just a problem to be handed off? When things get hard.....hand the problem off? Sorry I just can't agree. And I do have a problem teenage son and have been to hell and back BUT that's my job....I am his mother.....it was my decision to bring him into this world and ultimately us as parents that shape them.....the good and the bad. Couldn't imagine just shoving him off like some unwanted problem and to split up siblings......I could NOT do it. Good luck with that.

  Giving my son to his Father is not "handing him off." Parenting takes two and I wouldn't dare discount every Father who pays child support, or better yet non court ordered child support, and Fathers who have chosen to be the custodian parent. I am very blessed, as is my son, to have the option of living full time with his Dad. As far as splitting them up, again you don't fully understand the circumstances. My teenaged kids have lived in each other's shadow for years and haven't fully developed as two separate people with different wants, desires and goals. I see this as a prime time opportunity for them both to grow. Their problems aren't ignored either. It takes a village to raise a child and thank God, I've got tons of support, i.e., counselors and Bigs from the Big Brother/Big Sister Foundation. Perhaps you should develop your support group?

• 
• by
  • T-Howe
  on Jul. 15, 2009 at 10:53 AM

• 
  

  Quoting Ewadun:
  
  

  
  

  Quoting T-Howe:
  
  

  OK....I can really understand the inclination of wanting to do that BUT isn't that teaching your son that his is just a problem to be handed off? When things get hard.....hand the problem off? Sorry I just can't agree. And I do have a problem teenage son and have been to hell and back BUT that's my job....I am his mother.....it was my decision to bring him into this world and ultimately us as parents that shape them.....the good and the bad. Couldn't imagine just shoving him off like some unwanted problem and to split up siblings......I could NOT do it. Good luck with that.

  Giving my son to his Father is not "handing him off." Parenting takes two and I wouldn't dare discount every Father who pays child support, or better yet non court ordered child support, and Fathers who have chosen to be the custodian parent. I am very blessed, as is my son, to have the option of living full time with his Dad. As far as splitting them up, again you don't fully understand the circumstances. My teenaged kids have lived in each other's shadow for years and haven't fully developed as two separate people with different wants, desires and goals. I see this as a prime time opportunity for them both to grow. Their problems aren't ignored either. It takes a village to raise a child and thank God, I've got tons of support, i.e., counselors and Bigs from the Big Brother/Big Sister Foundation. Perhaps you should develop your support group?

  OK....as far as support group I do have that and that's why I am still fighting the good fight (don't read anything into that....just an old saying). My coments aren't ment to be snarky at all. Just my opinion...is all.
  

• 
• by
  • topaz7
  on Jul. 17, 2009 at 11:11 AM

• Good Morning,

  You might want to make it a temporary thing. Just as long as You and the Father understand because it is hard on everyone when we have to let go completely. You do have to take care of yourself and the other children, for that you cannot feel bad. However , your Son has to know when you lose your home there is no where else to go. He has to leave to help the family have a place to live. He will have a place to live just not in this home because this is not a good environment for him and it is not going to be a good place for your family if you have to move to a trailer park. That is the next step and then a shelter. I do all I can to avoid the same.
  

  I know the pain you feel. I just hope you can bring yourself to do it at least for a little while. It is a shame but young men sometimes just cannot see life as it is. They see life as they want it to be.

  I had to repeat myself a thousand times, reminding my Son that he has to be responsible for his actions. I got him enrolled in Call to Manhood. A mentoring Program he did not want to go but once he attended now he wants to go every year. This is a once a year 1 week trip for young men 10-18 where  Professional Men train them to become responsible, focused and let them explore the future through group discussions and exercises which prepare the youth for tomorrows challenges. It also focuses on the importance of Education and Community Service. Service to Family and Self Esteem.It helps Young Men See What Real Men do and the Positive Role Models help our Youth see that the people who run the streets are not the only Men in their lives.

  These types of programs allow our young people to see what they can become. This helps them see that there is hope for them.
  

  I had to get him into another program where he attends  the after school program and the summer program. They help with homework, mentor the youth all year long and they  follow the youth from Elementary School through High School and help them get prepared for College. My youngest  Daughter also attends she is 14 my Son is 15 almost 16. These are crucial years. Teens seem to think they know it all and really do not understand that we want what is best for them. When it comes from other sources as well as from Home it seems to stick better. They meet other children and are constantly given reinforcement. These peers are going the same direction as them. Once in a while someone does something crazy and the other children will chastise them and support them but they will know they slipped. It is like a big family.

  They participate in age appropriate events. Weight Lifting, Basket Ball. Baby Sitting Classes,

  Sewing Classes, Abstinence Classes. Group Discussions Where they  can express themselves and Computer Literacy.
  

  They even helped the children get summer jobs as soon as they show responsibility and are old enough to work. They are paid a stipend. a couple hundred a month .

  This allows them to buy clothes and pay cell phone bills and save a little .

  When it is time to go back to school the children are given a back to school event and they get school supplies and book bags. Some times they get athletic shoes.

  Before this I was seriously considering sending my Son to Boot Camp. This  boy was really giving me the Blues!!

  He would lie and say he did his homework or not do it, He would talk back to teachers, sometimes he would take things that did not belong to him, He would let other children talk him into doing things he knew he should not do, Once a bunch of children ,boys were lighting fire crackers then they lit the grass on fire. MY daughter told me the police put him in the police car, I went running because he was only supposed playing a neighbors house,I thought something had happened to him, It never dawned on me that he did anything wrong. MY heart was pounding so hard and I heard him calling me " Ma Ma, Ma Ma" a shrill crying voice, my son was crying for me.
  

  ,well low and behold the boys left the neighbors house and started with the fire crackers in the back of their house. The police man saw them and the other kids ran, My son was the only one who went back when the police man told him to come back here. He told me he was striking  matches with the other boys and I could take him to the fire dept and teach him about fire safety or He could take him to juvenile.He was so afraid and I was too. But I was angry with him for doing that and he wouldn't tell me who the other kids were, told me if he told me they would jump him. I  told the officer I would take him for the fire safety classes and I did.
  

  He would talk back and slam doors and say "I don't care" about everything.He would do all the rotten things he saw his Father do. I used to say " don't act like that, you know you hate it when you see him do that and talk that way . Don't copy his actions, It just makes you look bad and it does not make anything better,"  You see, his Dad never seemed to have time for him. He seemed jealous of my Son. Once, my son was given a brand new bike for his birthday or Christmas. He hadn't gotten a chance to ride it  yet he only had it one day I think, anyway  one of his Dads' friends came to the house some loser drug addict, and he brought his son over, he lived in the neighbor hood, I looked out side and this  Mans' Son was riding my Sons' bike.  My Son was like 8 years old. I was so angry  I went down stairs and told his Father, to get that kid off my Sons' bike . He started talking trash, I was so angry I told him you did not even buy that bike and you are letting someone else ride it before my son even had a chance to ride his own bike he just got!! That almost cost him a price he couldn't pay. He almost found out what homelessness was like. Further more he was the type of Father that would take neighbor hood boys to the gym to play football and basket ball and get this not take his own Son. He used to say "He is too young": I was like Mu Fu, If you don't get away from us and send us some child support I know I'm going to jail."  He would slam doors and have all the drug boys with their dogs near our house and I would bring my children in the house because I did not want them around those people or their fighting dogs and he would call me names and say  I was chasing his friends away. One day he locked me and the children out . I called the police. He called me a name in front of them and I did not hear it they heard it  so off to jail he went. 3 months. He soon changed his tune.:

  That is just the type of negative stuff my Son witnessed and so I'm sure it affected him. Well that was when I sent him to call to Manhood the first time. That was a weekend trip. His Father was mad as hell. I said "My Son will not grow up to be a punk.He will be an upstanding Man"  He still hates that other Men are raising My Son. I mean good men, professional men, Drs. Lawyers, Educators,Scientists and Community Development Officials. I say ' Steele sharpens Steele"   If you want your Son to grow up and have a chance at life. You have to give him a chance to grow, learn and reach for the stars.

  His Father now wants to play the games with him and talk to him and he does that for a while

  but my Son has good friends that do these things with him and he is the only boy so his friends are like brothers to him the 3 closest. He used to be shorter then them and I used to say " you look like you have body guards with you all the time"
   They used to laugh. Now they are all the same height and they are mature young men. In High

  School and looking forward to college. Not the rap game or the street. Because" Steele sharpens Steele". We cannot let negative influences take our Children down. As Moms it is our duty to send out Children the right direction. Even when it breaks our hearts and when they kick and scream the whole way and no matter who hates us for it, our Children need our prayers and guidance.His Curfew is 9:00pm  he is 15 almost 16. His day starts at 5:40 am.

  He makes Curfew nearly every night. He sometimes tries to stay out until dark but that is becuase it is summertime. Winter time his curfew is before the street lights come on unless he is at afterschool program. When he misses Curfew I call him and he is on his way or in front of the house. His Father tried to tell him he could stay out one night because he was around our area, I said " his curfew is 9:00 pm , If he is out here with you you need to let me know"  He never pulled that again. Nothing good happens after dark in our neighborhood so why would I want my Son out there?
  

  When my Son's Father says something out of the way to him he just says " I see your point and leaves the negative behind." It does not phase him anymore because now he knows that the things his father or anyone else says or does that is  negative  is dishonorable and it shows how little that person feels for him or even themselves. He just leaves them to that because he has been taught" it is easier to raise a child than it is to change an adult"

  I had to get his Father out of our home life but I replaced him with a whole lot of good productive and responsible Men who always tell me how wonderful and dynamic my Son is.

  How when ever his is given a task or leadership role he goes beyond his expected level of achievement.

  He is a happy teen ager now. I know he would have been weak and a follower had I just let his Father and the neighborhood be his only influences. As male role models.
  

  
  

  
  

• 
• by
  • topaz7
  on Jul. 17, 2009 at 11:40 AM

• What this lady  is saying is that her leasing company is trying to evict her. Her Son is the reason why they want to evict  her. So if she takes him off her lease she has a chance of keeping her apartment. This is most likely public housing . They no longer allow disruptive youth to dwell on the premises. I know this because I have had to assist several tenants with this type of problem. Usually this is the only way the resident can stay. Once you are evicted it is  very hard to find housing. This is because of financial ability and the references and the transfer of utilities.
  

• 
• by
  • topaz7
  on Jul. 17, 2009 at 11:52 AM

• To Ladyj9067
  

  Perhaps a mentoring program for you son.

  
  

  He has to find his way out of this mess. One day the guns pulled on him will be the end. Perhaps you can get him another probation officer. Perhaps you can look up a program to help your son. A change of address might be just what your son needs. A new direction. We always see that Judges and Athletes have programs for troubled Youth. If I were you I would look for a program. I would appeal to the Juvenile Dept.

  I know you love your Son. He needs your help now. No One can Love you kids llke you can.

  He is probably so afraid for his life and has no where to turn.
  

  God Bless You All.
  

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