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FaceBook/MySpace

Posted by on Jul. 11, 2009 at 12:41 PM
  • 28 Replies

My 15 year old daughter is fascinated with FaceBook and MySpace.  We have caught her on both of these sites.  She also has been caught texting a boy we don't know who she met on one of these sites.  She is now banned from cell phone usage and any computer time alone.  She tells us she is lonely and wants friends, but from what I saw on these places was that all they wanted was nude pictures of her and all they talked about was sex.  Am I wrong about these sites?  My husband and I don't feel comfortable with her talking to these boys when we don't know them.  I have tried to help her make friends, but she has a very hard time.  She is adopted from Ukraine and has been in this country for 6 years. 

Thanks

Cheryle A. Roberts

by on Jul. 11, 2009 at 12:41 PM
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Replies (1-10):
PhillyinFrance
by on Jul. 11, 2009 at 3:23 PM

you are wrong... they aren't ALL about sex, etc. although, of course, can happen.  I am on FB as are alot of my CM friends, old school friends.    yes, it can help you conect and keep in touch with friends.  Personally, I love it.  My kids are my 'friends' on FB which means I can see what they do, etc. as their other friends do; however, there is a sort of mail system and I don't see what emails they exchange. .  Why don't you sign up on FB and see what is about.  You could ask your daughter to show you even.

Of course, you know your daughter and if you think she can't respect limits you set (in terms of what she can text or photos she can take and send) then that is a problem.

wallmom1
by on Jul. 11, 2009 at 3:36 PM

In my opinion you may have gone alittle over board.  My dd is 16 and have both a facebook and a myspace.  She uses them to talk with friends from school and other activities she is in.  If you have a problem with you daughter have her give you the passwords so you can check to see who she is talking to.  This is just how the kids connect these days.  It can be really scary but taking everything from her will only backfire.  Give her the chance to show you she isn't doing anything wrong.  Then let her go on these sites.  If she has only been here 6 years do you really want to alienate her more?

specialwingz
by Bronze Member on Jul. 11, 2009 at 4:20 PM

I, personally, do NOT think you are wrong at all!!  It is not a good place to MEET friends.  You don't know "who" you are actually talking with.  That's why there are so many Dateline & 20/20 stories about internet pedophiles.  HELLO!!   As for socializing with friends from school...well, those are people that are already known.  Unfortunately, kids don't just leave it at those they already know.  They are of the thought - the more "friends" the better. 

You are the parent. It is your job to protect your children how you see fit.  I have 2 teens still at home.  Neither of them are on FB or MS.  They don't even care to be.  They don't even want their own email address.  They don't care for all the sex, drama and politics involved in the teen community of these sites.

Other posters mentioned the sites as great for connecting with friends and CM friends, etc.  They are adults.  They can make their choices - good or bad.  Teens are NOT known for making the best choices.  They tend to think they are invincible and all the world is good.  We as parents have to guide them.  My teens prefer to go with social groups at school...ie...marching band...flag corps...foreign language groups...our school even has a video gaming club which really interests my boys!  Check into what groups are available at your school.  At least you'll get to know who your DD is hanging around with.  Whereas, on the internet - it's anybody's guess.  Are you willing to take that risk?

Jodanro
by on Jul. 12, 2009 at 9:47 AM

I can honestly see both sides to this issue.  On one hand, how is her being on fb and ms any different than us being on here?? Then there's the argument that you don't know who you are talking to.   I personally found this site after my hysterectomy and was searching for a forum to discuss it.  I have 'met' some wonderful friends of all ages on here.  My kids are older.   2 girls (21 & 23)  1 boy (18).   They all are on one site or the other, and now there's twitter.  I kind of like twitter, but that's just me. LOL!  My kids started out with ms, and then moved on to fb.  Both sites give users the ability to make their profiles private.  Just like here!  Yes you must set limits, but going overboard and forbidding things is only going to cause everyone grief down the road.  Trust me....I know this from personal experience.  You have to trust until they give you a reason not to.  As one pp stated.  Get your own profiles on those sites and have her add you as a friend.  That way you can monitor what she does and who she's friends with.  Ask her about them.  She is obviously not old enough to drive, so I assume you are her transportation.  Which means she's not going anywhere unless  you know about it.  I know, I know....kids are resourceful!  But....if you keep an open line of communication and show her you trust her to make some of her own decisions, then she will be less likely to try and pull one over on you.  Without a doubt, you will have the normal teenage issues.  Talk to her and deal with it.  Compromise with her.  If you respect her, she will respect you!  Kids are a lot smarter than most of us give them credit for. 

Good Luck :o)

iluvmy3grls
by on Jul. 12, 2009 at 9:49 AM

I totally agree and I actually deleted my 14yr old daughters myspace because I had seen some things I did not find appropriate and not necessarily on her page either!!!!  I had seen some of the girls sites that she was pulling up and I cannot believe these parents would let their teens put pics of themselves up like they do, its pathetic!!!!

Quoting specialwingz:

I, personally, do NOT think you are wrong at all!!  It is not a good place to MEET friends.  You don't know "who" you are actually talking with.  That's why there are so many Dateline & 20/20 stories about internet pedophiles.  HELLO!!   As for socializing with friends from school...well, those are people that are already known.  Unfortunately, kids don't just leave it at those they already know.  They are of the thought - the more "friends" the better. 

You are the parent. It is your job to protect your children how you see fit.  I have 2 teens still at home.  Neither of them are on FB or MS.  They don't even care to be.  They don't even want their own email address.  They don't care for all the sex, drama and politics involved in the teen community of these sites.

Other posters mentioned the sites as great for connecting with friends and CM friends, etc.  They are adults.  They can make their choices - good or bad.  Teens are NOT known for making the best choices.  They tend to think they are invincible and all the world is good.  We as parents have to guide them.  My teens prefer to go with social groups at school...ie...marching band...flag corps...foreign language groups...our school even has a video gaming club which really interests my boys!  Check into what groups are available at your school.  At least you'll get to know who your DD is hanging around with.  Whereas, on the internet - it's anybody's guess.  Are you willing to take that risk?


summerdayz
by on Jul. 12, 2009 at 9:40 PM

The bad thing here is that you said you caught her on myspace. So she is already sneaking because she knows you won't allow it. That's not good at all.  It's better to be open, let her have the myspace, and discuss different things because if she wants to sneak and do things, she will find a way. Then you will be completely in the dark.

My daughter will be 15 in October and she's had a myspace for about 2 years now. The computer is in the diningroom and I always see when she's on it.  There are some crazy pictures on myspace, and like another mother said....where are their parents ? Some of those girls seem to think they are trying out for Playboy or good grief.... something even worse.

 But the way we work it here, is she always shows me stuff , and we talk about it. It's like a learning lesson on what not to do, how not to dress and act like a slut, etc..  LOL !  Seriously, it can be a good thing in teaching your daughter. If you just ban her from it, there's no talking, teaching and discussing things....and then she will go behind your back and do it anyway. 

And NO is not always the answer. NO can be the answer, but with an explanation...a good legitimate one, because kids aren't stupid. My daughter only has kids she knows on her friend's list, so there's no harm there. And she knows internet safety because we talk about it all the time.

                Summer      

bgdvil
by on Jul. 13, 2009 at 1:38 AM

I do see your point, i think myspace is a little more dangerous and easier to find people.  However why dont you have your own acct and tell your daughter to add you if she is a private user, this way you can see what is going on.  On facebook both my kids are in my network, so i see all there posts. I have a myspace but i dont use it I tell them its for them to use but not abuse. Only if i need to ill log in and see what's up, but ive only done that 1 time in 5 yrs. I also have boys, my friends with girls seem to have more problems but ive never heard them complain about facebook just myspace. Or there is software that will show you everything your daughter posts, and sends, but i think thats a little much.  If you take everything away from her she will find a way if she is determind.  I think its better to work with her than against her. good luck

specialwingz
by Bronze Member on Jul. 13, 2009 at 10:24 AM

I've read all your posts since I last responded to this.  And, I honestly do see some of the points you're all trying to make.  But, I would like to make a point again.  I re-read the OP to make sure I'd read it correctly before my 1st response.  I did - and my response is still the same.  The way I read the post - this 15 YO girl is lonely and looking for friends on these sites.  She is making "friends" with people she doesn't know.  This would be very distressing to me as a parent, as well.  Now, if she was within a circle of friends from school that she already knows, I'd be more inclined to give some room for that with definite rules.  Some have compared FB & MS to CM.  Again, I say, we are adults.  This is a site for moms.  Yes, we've "met" many great people here.  But, CM is nothing like FB or MS.  It is not filled with perverted men and drama-creating teens (although there are moms here that feed on drama).  And, to make things clear, I'm not saying anyone here is wrong.  She is looking for opinions.  And, that's what we are stating.

krissylea77
by on Jul. 13, 2009 at 10:55 AM

Both of my sons, who are 17, have a myspace and a facebook. They have since they were 15.   My 13 year-old daughter also has a facebook.  The key thing for me is, when my they created their profiles,on both of those sites, they were required to keep them set on private(no one can view their profiles unless they are on their friends list), ONLY add people they know personally to their friends lists, and I know their usernames and their passwords.  I frequently get on their profiles, read their messages,  and keep track of what they are doing.  I also have a profile on both of those sites.  There has been a few times they have added someone they don't know, and when they do, I delete those people or have them delete those people. 

PhillyinFrance
by on Jul. 14, 2009 at 8:53 AM

I too have re-read the OP and other posts... and although I'm generally in favor of sites like FB, I fully agree it should not be a place to MEET people.  The child should already know the person they become friends with.  However, my kids have been able to keep in touch with friends they have met at other friends houses or parties - and they have even become real friends with them (i.e. inviting them over).  My DD also uses it to keep in touch with friends from a previous school, or girls she knows from dance classes where she has little time to really get to know them.

To start, you could actually sit wtih her at first and watch what she does - and if you are not comfortable, you might ask an older cousin or someone to show you/her the security settings, etc.  Then you may just keep the pw and such and periodically check.  Agree in advance what is appropriate or not  I tell my kids they won't be punished if they tell me they have recieved an inapproriate text or photo (cause they can't control what is sent to them or posted) but they will be if I find out about it without them telling me.

 I am friends with a few friends' kids on FB - the kids actually asked me, but essentially this allows me to also tell the parents about the pictures and comments their kids post - generally appropriate but also if I see anything from them that isn't I would tell them, and if serious enough, tell the parents.   You could see if you know someone who is PC saavy and older to be a FB friend - and also keep an eye on her that way.

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