Ok ok, I KNOW this shouldn't bother me but it is so perhaps getting it off my chest will help me stop being annoyed/angry by it!
My SD's BM makes and has always made the relationship between my fiance and SD hard! I wont bore you with the NUMEROUS things that have happened, ask me if you want to know. Recently BM's eldest daughter just reconnected with her father and apparently BM and that father are "so close" and they talk all the time. They've even met his new family and are so close that they plan on taking "family" vacations together. W.T.F?!
My fiance and I would give anything to have a civil relationship with this woman so SD can have a healthy happy upbringing! I'd even have this woman in my home along with her other daughter for special occasions involving SD or to even swim on a hot day (we have a pool) but can't because BM is so unreasonable with us. It makes me mad because I feel bad for SD, here she is seeing how well her sister's dad and their mother get along and her parents communicate only between email. It alos in a way makes my fiance and I look like the "bad guys" and that we are unreasonable and unwilling to form a relationship with BM for the sake of SD.
I honestly even started questioning THAT perhaps it was my fiance who WAS the problem. But it's not! Any requests he makes are answered with a NO and no explanation! He sends her civil emails and BM somehow turns them around into something negative. Again won't bore you....
I mean BM has gone SO far to make sure SD knows our "families" our seperate that a few weeks after moving into our new house, when dropping SD off BM had left a bunch of photo albums my fiance made for SD's birthday a few years ago on the front porch and ordered her to take them to our house, there wasn't any room in their house for them. When we looked at the photo albums we noticed BM had gone through them and REMOVED all the pics of SD's Christmas with her and her family and even pictures of their dog!!! Her explanation to SD was "they're pictures of my family." SD was on the verge of tears and it one swift action she ruined the entire good weekend she had at our house!
I just don't get it? Why is it after 8 years of not being with my fiance she still HATES him that much that she hurts her daughter to make him feel like shit? But she is "best friends" with her other daughters father and his new family! GRRRRRRRRRRRR!
Always keep in mind you weren't around for whatever went down between your SO and BM. Even though we always want to believe that our hubbies are the best thing since sliced bread, there is always three sides to every story - his, hers and the truth (which usually lies somewhere between the two) and perception is reality.
I know you all want to have a civil relationship with her, just keep doing what you do - which should be the right thing, at all times, no responding to negativity with negativity, kill her with kindness all that"stuff". If it's meant to happen, it will, in time. Until then, DO NOT give it space in your head!!
>big hugs<
Oh I totally know where my fiance's faults are and where they probably were in that relationship. I'm basing it on since I got involved in their lives and I see how he handles things and how BM handles things. There is a HUGE difference!
That's what my fiance does, kills her with kindness. Sometimes if she is in a good mood it gets us far, if she is in a bad mood it gets us nowhere! He constantly ignores things that she makes negative, its the situations he CAN'T ignore that cause issues. These issues are almost always caused by BM and it's her "using" SD to get negative attention from my fiance. She'll do awful things to SD to get a rise out of my fiance. It happens every few months and my fiance tries to ignore most of them and just sits and talks with SD so she can get it off her chest. I try my best to not get involved but when I see two people I love being hurt constantly it's hard to not analyze or think about it, you know? Especially when its SO avoidable! I just don't understand a mother who uses her children to manipulate situations and people! That's how I feel about this current situation, she is now using the other daughter to manipulate my SD into thinking her dad and I are the "bad guys" and this is why we can't all get along.
The BEST part about this whole situation is BM has obviously forgotten she told my fiance a little while after they had broken up that this father of her other daughter had molested the daughter! How is my fiance to ignore this when BM request his permission to take his daughter on a "family trip" with someone she accused to be a child molester?!?
No she isn't in any counseling, she desperately needs it though. But how can you force someone who thinks they are FINE into counseling. You know more of the background and what happened yesterday, I thinks some forced counseling is going to be in order for sure.
Quoting makie2:She might be jealous. Is she in counseling?
Good old Dr. Phil. haha. Honestly I'm not so sure its that she isn't over him. I think she always thought of him as her fall back if things didn't work out for her in life. Like even after they broke up he'd go running to her when she called for help or whatever because he was desperate to keep that "family" feeling for SD. He'd get expensive gifts for SD to give to BM at Christmas etc. He stopped doing that a bit before he met me and my guess is she doesn't know when we started dating so she sees me as the reason he stopped doing all of that? *shrugs* I just think because he hasn't had a serious relationship since they broke up she believed he was still in love with her and she can't handle the fact he isn't? WHO KNOWS! I can't begin to put myself in a crazy woman's shoes!
Quoting Harmany62:Dr. Phil would say she is not over him. If she is showing that much hate or dislike towards your husband and/or you, she has unresolved issues.
My exhusband, after 17 years, still acts this way towards me...and our daughter is married and moved away!
Don't worry, in time, she will be fighting with her other dd's dad and his family as well. A woman like that is not capable of having healthy relationships. I know it bothers you but you can't change what is. Just gotta keep being the bigger person and communicate with your dh about how you feel and with your sd about how she feels.
Yeah I agree she isn't capable of having relationships with ppl. She is a hostile personality. I just don't like that she is making it look like its my fiances fault they don't have a functioning relationship to SD. But we spoke about it and SD before I could even say anything said "I know its all her fault." and that BM "just likes to argue".
My other theory is she is playing "nice" with this father because her older daughter is 16 now, so getting to that age where she can make her own decisions and tell BM to eff off. I honestly wonder if things will change when SD becomes older and more capable of voicing her own opinions and doing her own things. We've got 3 years for that, I'll update you ladies then. haha.
Quoting JackieGirl007:
Don't worry, in time, she will be fighting with her other dd's dad and his family as well. A woman like that is not capable of having healthy relationships. I know it bothers you but you can't change what is. Just gotta keep being the bigger person and communicate with your dh about how you feel and with your sd about how she feels.
Half siblings?
- mumfashionista
on Jul. 29, 2011 at 2:29 PM