stepmom of 2 teen girls with 2 children of my own looking for advice
Sheesh where to start
i have been married for 7 years and am SM to two teen SD 15/16 BM to 2 Children of my own now 4/5.
When i first met my husb the girls and i got along great and while their mother is a psychotic bitch we got along pretty well at first too. Trouble started when BM started talking smack about me to mutual friends. After hearing this, I no longer have any interaction w her at all. DH does not communicate with BM rather lets the 15 yr old do all arranging of pick up and drop off via cell phone.
My SD are disrespectful and resentful of my kids and while i do understand where they are coming from I cannot allow it in my home (SD /16 has called me a "fat fu%*ing c*#t in front of my husb) he called her mother and she came to get her now saying how she insists kids are respectful. I have it on good authority they refer to us as "douchbags" and the mother "likes" it on facebook. The 15 year old SD has txted me that she wishes me dead and that she hopes her father cheats on me the way he did her mother and that they hate me with all their hearts, they refer to me as a "dumb bitch".
It seems to me that while the BM needed me to mind her children for free things were good, now that the girls are older and dont need childcare all bets off. I could regal you with the custody issues and tax exemption issues but that could get lengthy. At this time i am insisting on an apology before they enter my home and havent spoken to them in almost a year. They regularly visit with their grandmother and this is where my husband gets to see them (because he is backing me up in insisting on a apology
I am sad for my husband and wish things could be different for his sake i have really stopped caring what the girls think of me but it is a completely dysfunctional household with the girls not coming for regular visits and not interacting with their younger brother and sister at all.
My sister seems to think a peace offering on my part will do the trick? what do i do BUY them something? i have always taken the high road i believe that I have the right to be respected and treated with the kind of treatment you give a teacher. I as a SM have no authority to dicipline or offer medical attention. I see where i made my initial mistake in taking these girls into my home, clothing and feeding them and generally taking over for DH in all aspects of raising them while they were with us. But where to go from here is my question! thanks for listening!
wow!
first off I will have to say that while I hate it for you, your DH should have been the one communicating with BM for drop off/pick up and other things regarding the kids - not the 15 yr.
what do you think is the reason that they "hate" you so bad?
I agree with 3munschkins, it doesn't matter how much DH hates BM. Don't make the kids in the inbetween person. If he can't talk to BM he should have been emailing or texting her about arrangements. I don't get how the girls as they got older could be brainwashed into thinking so badly about you. They liked you as kids.
I'd feel the same as you, I'd never want those kids back in my house especially near my own kids. Forget it! Hopefully they wake up and apologize.
before you can make any kind of peace offering or change things, you first have to understand why they don't like you. Apparently they feel wronged somehow, by some event. And until you know what that is (whether they are right or wrong), you won't be able to change how they feel about you.
It is possible that when you "took over" for you DH in the parental role, while that was fine as children, as they grew they began to feel abandoned. Nobody ever accused an adolescent of being rational, and I'm sure that was not his intent. Also, two new biological children of your DH came into the picture. Once their "new" wore off I'm sure that might have had something to do with their feelings. No child wants to see one parent "moving on" from their own nuclear family and starting a new one. You are just an easy target to blame.
thank you ladies for your insightful opinions. I had a way in to facebook accounts which allowed me to see what their opinions were of me and DH exactly (believe me i know if youre eavesdropping you only hear bad things about yourselves) but I saw quite a few nasty comments that the BM encouraged or "liked" or flat out said that "your SM should not have anything to say on the fact your were suspended from school, she is not your mother" i am sure that their opinions have been changed over the years due to animosity btw BM and me. But i have never disparaged their mother to them nor has DH.
But yes "taking over" for DH was absolutely first error on my part but i wanted desparately to have this wonderful little family (haha jokes on me) so i did everything from spending my own money on them, taking them EVERYWHERE i went (beach, lake, family functions, shopping, haircuts) all which i have never been appreciated for by BM, DH or SDs, I am over all that. Now relationship with SDs has deteriorated to us basically ignoring each other while in each others company. I am actually uncomfortable in my own home (yes i had home before DH and kids came into my life).
I feel until i get a heartfelt apology i wont be able to get past the hurt feelings i have for SDs. I dont even know if that will do it. I have suggested a family sit down with them but they decline.
Sorry for being all over the place here with my reply its like i dont know where to start. The 10 years of incidents with the BM including 8 moves and domestic violence betw BM and her BF, tax issues, visitation issues have just wiped me out .
again i appreciate all or any replies and suggestions and i love reading that others are with me in my misery. not that i love that youhave misery i just think the commiserating makes me feel beter so thanks ladies!!
Quoting VMoreno:It is possible that when you "took over" for you DH in the parental role, while that was fine as children, as they grew they began to feel abandoned. Nobody ever accused an adolescent of being rational, and I'm sure that was not his intent. Also, two new biological children of your DH came into the picture. Once their "new" wore off I'm sure that might have had something to do with their feelings. No child wants to see one parent "moving on" from their own nuclear family and starting a new one. You are just an easy target to blame.
I believe you hit it on the head here with your opinion regarding resentment of the DH moving on and upward with his life. My DH is a alcoholic so this factors majorly into the equation. (WOW how liberating to say that outloud to anyone who can see) But we have a nice home, he works hard just plays just as hard. My life isnt a easy one over here but i belive SDs and BM think we have it all. BM taxes says she makes 5400 a year so I believe they do live off the child support (all 7 people that live in their home) at their house. I hate to wish their lives away but when they are old enough to support themselves I will be freakin thrilled!
sorry first time on a message board here! bear with me!
my main advice to you is to let your DH handle the situation with his kids - I would do my best to stay out of it.....it will only cause you more pain and stress.
Quoting 3munschkins:my main advice to you is to let your DH handle the situation with his kids - I would do my best to stay out of it.....it will only cause you more pain and stress.
I just read the "disengaging" and basically thats what ive been doing. most time it works for me; thanks super advice my husband doesnt seem to like it but it does lessen the stress. He cant understand what is happening to him and is blaming me for girls not wanting to spend time with us. And with all the tension and stress going on while they are here its always best if i just find errands to run or whatever will get me out of the house i ask my dh you want two kids or four? he really doesnt want any but the SDs watch themselves or go for walks. You would think my dh would like his time with the kids but basically cuts into football or beer time so sucks for the kids...
Quoting mommymayer:
Quoting 3munschkins:
my main advice to you is to let your DH handle the situation with his kids - I would do my best to stay out of it.....it will only cause you more pain and stress.
I just read the "disengaging" and basically thats what ive been doing. most time it works for me; thanks super advice my husband doesnt seem to like it but it does lessen the stress. He cant understand what is happening to him and is blaming me for girls not wanting to spend time with us. And with all the tension and stress going on while they are here its always best if i just find errands to run or whatever will get me out of the house i ask my dh you want two kids or four? he really doesnt want any but the SDs watch themselves or go for walks. You would think my dh would like his time with the kids but basically cuts into football or beer time so sucks for the kids...
My only word of advice when it comes to disengaging is that when you do what you are doing, and I have definately done it, it can lead to other problems. DH may start to resent you because those are still his biological children. That happend to me, and you know where it got me? Physically seperated for four months because "I was making his child miserable..." Back on track now, but it's not fun. The bright side is in as little as 3 years hopefully they will both be successful in college and starting their own lives. :)
new here
- mommymayer
on Sep. 11, 2011 at 10:46 AM