stepmom of 2 teen girls with 2 children of my own looking for advice

[mommymayer]

Sheesh where to start

i have been married for 7 years and am SM to two teen SD 15/16 BM to 2 Children of my own now 4/5.

When i first met my husb the girls and i got along great and while their mother is a psychotic bitch we got along pretty well at first too. Trouble started when BM started talking smack about me to mutual friends. After hearing this, I no longer have any interaction w her at all. DH does not communicate with BM rather lets the 15 yr old do all arranging of pick up and drop off via cell phone. 

My SD are disrespectful and resentful of my kids and while i do understand where they are coming from I cannot allow it in my home (SD /16 has called me a "fat fu%*ing c*#t  in front of my husb) he called her mother and she came to get her now saying how she insists kids are respectful. I have it on good authority they refer to us as "douchbags" and the mother "likes" it on facebook.  The 15 year old SD has txted me that she wishes me dead and that she hopes her father cheats on me the way he did her mother and that they hate me with all their hearts, they refer to me as a "dumb bitch".

It seems to me that while the BM needed me to mind her children for free things were good, now that the girls are older and dont need childcare all bets off. I could regal you with the custody issues and tax exemption issues but that could get lengthy. At this time i am insisting on an apology before they enter my home and havent spoken to them in almost a year. They regularly visit with their grandmother and this is where my husband gets to see them (because he is backing me up in insisting on a apology

I am sad for my husband and wish things could be different  for his sake i have really stopped caring what the girls think of me but it is a completely dysfunctional household with the girls not coming for regular visits and not interacting with their younger brother and sister at all. 

My sister seems to think a peace offering on my part will do the trick? what do i do BUY them something? i have always taken the high road i believe that I have the right to be respected and treated with the kind of treatment you give a teacher. I as a SM have no authority to dicipline or offer medical attention. I see where i made my initial mistake in taking these girls into my home, clothing and feeding them and generally taking over for DH in all aspects of raising them while they were with us. But where to go from here is my question! thanks for listening!

[GinaW1971]

I am taking this posting personally.....I am also a SM. (2) stepkids, SD is 17 and SS is 20 with my own ages 16 and 18. Wheeew, imagine that!!

As far as being a parent to begin with, It's not an easy job. To take on step-children takes incredible love and strength. Don't question yourself in this position.

You have given to those girls for years. And the anger I believe comes from the girls protecting their postion in the family. Whethar it's each other, their Mom and possibly their Dad.This isn't the case in all blended families, however, I think many do go through this.

When DH and I met, (8) yrs ago, they were 7, 8, 9, and 12 yrs old. (and it was 4 yrs after DH and BM's divorce) My SD who was not legaly mine then, was very pleasant, sweet and loving. She looked forward to seeing myself and my kids. SD and DD became instant best friends. (Almost too good to be tre to begin a new life all together...right)?)

DH and I bought a home within 1 yr, took his kids into our home every other weekend and had a GREAT first year all together. It was after that, that the changes started. The blame game gegan from the his kids to us, mainly DH. For reasons like, we wern't married, it's too soon after the divorce for DH and BM and it goes from there.

DH kids were put into the middle of everything by BM where DH made contact with BM as it should be. Also, BM would say things to the kids about me that false and made up. Much anger came from BM and she did not back down at any cost. Here's a small rant on what bothered me most, the kids tld us that BM would "game Plan" as the kids put it, prior to the kids leaving to spend the weekend with us about how to go about handleing the weekend with us. They were both provided cel phones as to be able to contact her at any thime and to even inform her if we were to get into an arguement or anything personal. This went on for a few years until SS at 15 yrs, asked to live with us. Needless to say, many details of how the kids were used as pawns and they were turned on their Dad was unbelievable.

Through legal mediations and court dates as well as a Guardian at Litem who met with all parties including the kids and DH and I, It was clear that the kids were mis lead about their Dad to levels that has caused great damage.

With lots of work, we have been able to heal and bring everyone back together again. Not only does SS live with us and attends college, but SD has asked to live with us on a 50% basis.

So if anyone wonders about how step-children could hold anger and resentment to a new parent figure in their lives, this proves how a mixture of issues within the years can play out on a step-parent. So what I've come to realize is that as the kids are younger and the drama adds, that this is a time to be worked through and that the time for you to grow closer is going to be at a later time. So try to think of it that way.  

I wish you all the luck possible that you deserve. you sound like a great person. 

P.S. I found fb pages left up where I was referred to as the skankiest of names ever. It was truly hard to deal. But I know where the anger is coming from :-)