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Breast Cancer Awareness Group Breast Cancer Awareness Group

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Posted by on Mar. 18, 2014 at 8:24 PM
  • 6 Replies
My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1999 at only 33 years old, just as I was starting kindergarten. What started out as breast cancer had metastasized to her lungs and bones. She had gone into remission twice only to have it reoccur again and had had it metastasize to many times for me to count. She had been on chemo the majority of these past 15years and radiation multiple times. This past week we got some devastating news. He cancer is still spreading but her current chemo is no longer working. The issue is that this chemo is experimental, she has literally gone through every available chemotherapy and this last experimental one. Her doctor is saying that she has no more options. He said they will try and radiate if there are any new spots, but because she has had radiation so many times there are many spots they can't touch. They're saying she has about 6-12 months. The issue is that she's completely in denial for one and two, her doctor never have her the timeframe. She asked him never to give her a timeline and knowing her stubbornness and mental setbacks, he respected her wishes but did share this information with the family. As such, she doesn't know that we really know. She has been telling me that yes she has no more chemo but that it's a good thing. She doesn't want me to worry because we recently moved to another state with my husband in the army. Her doctor has been talking to us about hospice care options just to be prepared. He wants my grandma and I to think about home hospice care, unfortunately there must be a responsible adult present for this to happen, but my dad works all day and my sister has mental handicaps and wouldn't qualify. I can't help but feel guilty because I recently moved, but only because I didn't know it was this bad. If I was home there would be someone there for her. But I left her at her worst. I'm sorry for the length and sidetrack.

So here's my dilemma, should I share with her the timeframe that her doctor gave us, letting her know that I know how sick she really is even though she doesn't want me to or allow her to continue on in denial? And secondly, if it comes down to it should I start preparing to spend a few moths back home so she can have home hospice care instead of being put in a strange place? My husband is in the army an we have a four year old so the move would be stressful for her as daddy couldn't be around, but I don't want her to be alone. I just am so confused an hurt. She's been fighting so long against all odds I took her for granted and never really expected to have to plan for something like this. I'm only twenty and my mom is my life, we talk for hours daily now that I'm gone and I just don't know what to do, or how to help.
by on Mar. 18, 2014 at 8:24 PM
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emmygirl31
by Member on Mar. 18, 2014 at 10:20 PM
2 moms liked this

 I am so sorry to hear about what you and your mom are going through.  I think if you went home to be with her now, she would know, without even hearing a time line, that her time is very limited.  If you are living away, and come home she is going to wonder why.  She may want to keep things as normal as possible and that may be the reason she is in denial.  Once she knows and everyone knows that she knows she will probably be treated differently.  Maybe you could call her and ask her about the visit.  See what she tells you, ask her if she wants you to come home for a visit.  I am guessing by the timeline you gave that you are about 21.  It is probably very important to her, that you have a good life and doesnt want you to change plans for her.  When I was diagnosed, my daughter was in jr high and it was very important to me that she maintain her teenage lifestyle.  She wanted to be there for me, and I wanted her to enjoy her youth. We compromised and we did a little of each.  You and your mom have to work out a formula that makes you both feel relatively comfortable.  She should be the one in charge of the game plan.  Let her know you will do whatever she wants.  Is there any way you could have your daughter move with you, if needed, since your husband is military and not available for the child care?  Make sure if she does come with you that you have back up child care and a place for her to go when things get really bad.  If you ever have questions or want to talk please jsut pm me.  I pray that she is not in too much pain and that you can follow your heart and do what is right for you.

myloveismyfaith
by New Member on Mar. 19, 2014 at 3:55 PM
1 mom liked this
She admitted that she's out of chemo options to me yesterday but keeps telling me not to worry. I'm still twenty and her reasoning is as you said, she keeps telling me she doesn't want me to put my life on hold for her, and that it would be more stressful to faith. My family decided to get together for Memorial Day however and is telling her it's for business but were flying down there as well, for a week. It's hard to leave all our obligations and things back home, although her doctor called the family yesterday saying we should think about hospice care options and if I could be there if it came to that because she would need a responsible adult at all times, my dad has to work and my sister isn't mentally capable f that responsibility. She's not ready for that now, but he thinks we should plan so she can have home care and someone can help her because he doesn't think she'll receive anything very well. My daughter will have to come with me, I just don't know how well it's going to go for her. She is grandmas little girl and I think it's ping to be a huge toll on her as well, but like you said, dh can't stay with her. I've got some family wiling to help if I asked though. Im nt really going to have a choice. Thank you for your prayers, at this point it's all we really have to hold onto. Pain medication is the one thing they are giving her still, it being in her bones has caused several fractures and two broken ribs, but she's a trooper and never complains about the obvious pain she's in. I truly appreciate your advice, I just can't wrap my head around any of this.
babyboomer1977
by Member on Mar. 20, 2014 at 1:11 PM
1 mom liked this

I am so very sorry to hear about what you and your mom are going through! I know it is really hard and tough to go through! My prayers are with you and your mom and the rest of your family! Always remember that god is on yours and her side! And please stay strong for your mom and stay  positive even though it is really hard to do!

myloveismyfaith
by New Member on Mar. 20, 2014 at 1:16 PM
2 moms liked this
Thank you. I believe prayers are what has got us this far and they're our only option left. I believe god has a plan and everything happens for a reason, unfortunately I'm not resolute and strong enough to make me accept it any better.
deesam
by Member on Mar. 21, 2014 at 11:35 PM
Prayer's being said. My granddaughter was 3 when I was diagnosed. You would be surprised how much the little ones know.
I would want to have my little sweet pea with me. The joy of seeing her would be a ray of sunshine for your mom.
myloveismyfaith
by New Member on Mar. 21, 2014 at 11:49 PM
I think so too. My mom and munchkin were inseparable before we moved, my mother babysat her, even when we tried to put her in daycare. Everything faith does she wants to take pictures for grandma, they FaceTime almost every day. I agree she would be a great ray of sunshine and hope for my mom and i think faith needs it just as much.

Quoting deesam: Prayer's being said. My granddaughter was 3 when I was diagnosed. You would be surprised how much the little ones know.
I would want to have my little sweet pea with me. The joy of seeing her would be a ray of sunshine for your mom.
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