HOW TO START A FIGHT (enjoy a good laugh)

[Hoos66]

HOW TO START A  FIGHT     One year, I decided to  buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as   a Christmas  gift.  The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she  asked me why,  I  replied,  "Well, you still haven't used the gift I  bought you last year!"  And that's how the fight  started.....  ________________________________    My  wife and I were watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire”  while we  were in bed.  I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to  have Sex?'  'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that  your final answer?'  She didn't even look at me this  time, simply saying, 'Yes..'  So I said, "Then I'd like  to phone a friend."  And that's when the fight  started...  ________________________________    I  took my wife to a restaurant.  The waiter, for some  reason, took my order first.  "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."  He said, "Aren't you worried about the  mad cow?"  "Nah, she can order for herself."  And  that's when the fight  started.....  ________________________________    My  wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school  reunion,   and she kept  staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat   alone at a  nearby table.  I asked her, "Do you know  him?"  "Yes", she sighed,  "He's my old  boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right   after we  split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been   sober  since."  "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person  could go on celebrating   that  long?"  And then the fight  started...  ________________________________    When  our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept  hinting   to me that I  should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something   else to take  care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always    something  more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever    way to make  her point.  When I arrived home one day, I found her  seated in the tall grass,   busily  snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I  watched   silently for  a short time and then went into the house. I was gone   only a  minute, and when I came out again I handed her a  toothbrush.   I said, "When  you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep   the  driveway."  The doctors say I will walk again, but I  will always have a     limp.  ________________________________    My  wife sat down next to me as I was flipping  channels.  She asked, "What's on TV?"  I said,  "Dust."  And then the fight  started...  ________________________________    Saturday  morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,   and slipped  quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to   the van, and  proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The    wind was  blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned    on the  radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all    day. I went  back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped    back into  bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a    different  anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is     terrible."  My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can  you believe my stupid   husband is  out fishing in that?"  And that's how the fight  started...  ________________________________    My  wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming  anniversary.  She said, "I want something shiny that  goes from 0 to 150 in   about 3  seconds."  I bought her a bathroom scale.  And  then the fight  started......  ________________________________    After  retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply   for Social  Security.  The woman behind the counter asked me for my  driver's License   to verify my  age.  I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my  wallet at home.  I told the woman that I was very sorry,  but I would have to go   home and come  back later.  The woman said, 'Unbutton your  shirt'.  So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver  hair.  She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is  proof enough for   me' and she  processed my Social Security application.  When I got  home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience   at the Social  Security office...  She said, 'You should have dropped  your pants. You might have   gotten  disability, too.'  And then the fight  started...  ________________________________    My  wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom  mirror.  She was not happy with what she saw and said to  me,  "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and  ugly.  I really need you to pay me a  compliment.'  I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near  perfect."  And then the fight  started........