1. Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
2. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
3. You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.
4. Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D.
5. Your children begin to look middle aged.
6. You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
7. Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
8. You look forward to a dull evening.
9. Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today."
10. You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
11. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
12. Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.
14. You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 95 around the golf course.
15. Your back goes out more than you do.
17. Your Pacemaker makes the garage doors go up when you see a pretty girl.
18. The little old gray haired lady you helped across the street is your wife.
19. You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
20. You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
21. You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercise.
22. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
23. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
24. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
25. You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
26. You are proud of your lawn mower.
27. Your best friend is dating someone half his age...and isn't breaking any laws.