Sometimes, actually most of the time, I just feel so overwhelmed with all of lifes challanges and obsticles that I'm affraid I'm taking out my stress on my family. Most importantly though, my daughter. She's 4 years old but unlike any 4 year old I've ever met. She's super smart, sassy, and full of personality. She doesn't look 4 either. She hasn't fit into a 4T for I don't know how long, she's really tall to say the least. She is the sweetest, smartest, most absolutely wonderful being I have ever laid my eyes on and yet I can't seem to keep my stress MY problem.
Her father and I have been seperated since she was a baby due to not only a very immature relationship, but a physical one as well and not in a good way. All I remember of my parents while they were together was constant fighting and physical abuse and I didn't want that for my daughter.
I am 4 months pregnant at the moment. I live with my daughter and my wonderful boyfriend with whom I am having the child with. We have been together for 4 years in July. The problem is, even though he works himself to the bone we aren't well off in the cash department. And now that Im pregnant and constantly feeling sick all the time I haven't been able to work as much and make that much money. We're basically living paycheck to paycheck. My body is changing drastically and its depressing some what. I know its for a beautiful cause, I just wish I didn't have to sacrifice my self image, ya know? I feel like I have no motivation to get up every morning and be the best person/mom that I can be. I have no money and where I used to be so creative it seems Im really not anymore.Our days have come down to eating and watching tv mostly because we can't afford much else.
I just want to be able to give my daughter the mother that I always wanted. I want her to think I'm an awesome mom whose so much fun to be around. I want our relationship to be the best it can be but I feel like my attitude holds me back from making that possible. It's easier for me to just be lazy and turn the tv on. Even just a few moments ago, I was sitting on my bed trying to write this post and my daughter jumped on the bed squirmming all over the place and I yelled at her to sit still or go in her room. I feel like I just need more control of my actions and moods. I guess all I can do now is take one day at a time and pray that peace will come to my heart and guide me back to the road that I know I need to be walking down, or up.
So, that's my story for now. I hope I haven't tortured anyone who bothers to read with my whining and complaining. I really just want to be happy and in turn make my family happy. Happy Wednesday to all and thanks for reading.
You sound like your doing your best and you just need to give your self some credit.
Having anxiety and high stress make us all edgy and so much more.
Hugs and feel free to always vent here.
We bid for jobs again Panic attack messing with me. Contacted Dept. of Labor
- Sbaquet
on Feb. 15, 2012 at 3:54 PM