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would like some advice

Posted by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 11:25 AM
  • 8 Replies

 Hi my name is Kayty I have 2 beautiful kids, a little girl named Triniti and a little boy named Todd Jr. Her b-day is 7-5-06 and his is 8-29-08. I met my fiance 6 weeks after my daughter was born. Well I have Joint custody of my daughter with me having primary care. Her father n I were together for almost 5 months but he broke up with me 5 days before we knew I was 16 weeks prego * I took home tests * 3 * and they all came out negative the month before knowing I was 16 weeks. He didn't see me til the day I had her and barely talked to me, if he did answer the phone he was very unpleasant, I used to call him when I was prego just to update him and to invite him to go so he could never use against me that he wasn't informed or that I was unpleasant to him or so forth. Well when we ended up going to court I willing settled for Joint custody b/c I decided I would leave it up to my daughter to decide when she's older so she could never say " you never gave me a chance to know him or " you made me choose btw the 2 of you " or you made it uncomfortable for me to know my dad or anything like that. So I have been playing nice with him not saying anything about how he never comes around or call or w/e still trying to leave it up to her. But now it's getting very hard for me not to say anything and I'm getting to the point where I want to go for Soul Custody. He's in College, a little bit away, * which is why he was very upset when I was pregnant he was scared she'd take away what he had planned to do and so forth * well he only comes around every 2-3 months whenever there is a break and when he's up he'll take her for a couple days * he'll take her like a day or so after he comes b/c his excuse is he needs time to relax * and she gets in these moods where she misses him alot so when she's in those moods I will call his cell phone and let her leave a message and he'll never return her phone calls, when she was younger he'd call at least once a week or close to it now that she's getting older he only calls right before coming up. And when he does have her he does nothing with her, I see him online all the time and leaving posts on facebook for anyone who wants to hang out he's in town for however long he's in town. I've called a couple times to talk to her when he has her, and she's not even with him but with his friends mom * that's where he stays when he comes to town with his friend and his mom * And she has my daughter for just about all day when he's doing w/e. Well what really ticked me off the most along with this is just a couple weeks ago he brought her back to me after having her for 3 days, on Dec. 23rd bc I wanted her for Christmas and when he returned her to me her hair in 2 strips were fricken dyed with semi permanant hair dye * which is still in her hair today faded but still noticable. It was Pink/Purple or w/e I don't know what others think about this but I think for 3 years old she's wwwaaayyy ttoooo young for hair dye of any sort. And his excuse was .. well she wanted it .. I know b/c I have her all the time that she's never mentioned anything like that to me, and even if she did .. being the parent you change the subject or just tell her no that's not for her age or if she really wanted color in her hair go to the store and buy that halloween hair spray that has many different colors for it and spray her hair then it would come right out that day. But anyways I'm getting sick of it .. I'm afraid what will he do next, I don't know if I'm getting too paranoid with this or what, but I'm tired of how he seems to have no concern with her, when she comes back from his house it takes me and my fiance a couple days to get her out of her snottyness she thinks she can do w/e as if he has no rules at his house. She talks back alloottt more, and won't listen to anything. * Then she goes back to normal after a couple days but still * She's stayed a couple nights with my parents and never came back like that. So not sure if it's just her or something he's doing. Any Advice, should I continue what I'm doing and let her make her own decision or should I go for the soul custody and maybe supervised visitation to make sure nothing more serious will happen. I am mixed with a whole bunch of feelings. Thanks for any help/advice you may have I appreciate it b/c I'm just at the end right now. And want what will be best for her.

by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 11:25 AM
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Replies (1-8):
Beauty91805
by Member on Jan. 3, 2010 at 11:50 AM

omg do i know what your going through. thats all i can say for now. if you want to talk send me a private message.

StudioM
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 12:09 PM

You having sole custody will not change how she feels. The way things are you have sole custoday anyway-without the legal protection it provides. Saying anything to her will only make her feel the way you have been trying to keep her from feeling-like you are making her choose. He is hanging  himself. Children are smart and can figure these things out all on their own. His indifference to her will come out in the wash and your efforts will make you look like her hero. His lack of effort will make him look like an axx.
You have made every attempt to give her a wonderful relationship with her father and she will see that.

I might actually file for sole custody because of myself, not her. And it's NOT something you discuss with a child. It's something she need never know. My reason for the legal action would be to protect yourself. If you ever want to move away or something. Sole custody is NOT terminating  his parental rights or obligation for Child Support. It is simply making you her full legal guardian.
Terminating his parental rights would take him either being unfit completely-which it sounds as if he's just negligent, but not unfit-or him signing over all rights. That makes you her only parent. If you wanted to have your future spouse adopt her, you could then do that without the father's signature. You would give up any child support as well.
I had sole custody of my children when they were little. THANK THE LORD! My husband went into the military and we moved all over this planet. Because I had sole custody there was no battle for me to move away or to move the 4 or 5 different times the military sent us elsewhere. Parents with joint custody have issues with things like that. Moving out of state is usually a fight. My ex still paid his child support (which was also a Godsend as a military family!) and he still had the right to visit or have the children visit him.

My younger of the two is now 18. I TRIED like you do to make sure the kids had a relationship with their father. He was less than negligent-like your ex only worse. Not unfit, just didn't want to bother. The younger had a mad desire to see his dad, so I gave him all of the information and helped him to track the man down. He now officially hates the idiot and has thanked me for the efforts I made to force my ex to be a dad. I hate the man, but Gabe never knew that. I am the hero-dad is the axx.

Hope it helps!


Lisa0626
by Member on Jan. 3, 2010 at 1:39 PM

I would file for sole custody just because I would be afraid that his irresponsible behavior would get my dd hurt one day! This is a tough situation, but I agree with the mom above me, He is hanging himself! Your daughter will figure out that he is not always there for her and in the futrure she can let him know how she feels. My main concern would be to protect her and my legal rights as well. At least you can say, you tried to allow him to be in her life with no problems and he could not even handle that. I am sure this inconsistancy is not good for her either. It probably would make no use to talk to him, so supervised visitation sounds like a good way to go. Good luck to you!

Proud_Mama3988
by New Member on Jan. 3, 2010 at 5:46 PM

 Tyvm I appreciate all the advice. I think I will go for it to make sure nothing physical could go wrong. * for the most part *. And I will continue to keep my mouth shut so she can decide herself. I def. do hate him but she will never know that either. I have for a long time. But I have played nice kept a smile on my face no matter how much I want to scream at him. But I don't. I tell him I want to be friends for Triniti's sake. And that's all he knows. I hope everything works out as well. Thanks alot so much I do appreciate it.

StudioM
by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 5:47 PM

You are doing the best thihng you could do! It's not normal for women to bite their tongue... I know it wasn't for me! I wanted to say "HEY, You are an BLEEEEEP!" and man did that hurt! But... The wait was worth it!

Quoting Proud_Mama3988:

 Tyvm I appreciate all the advice. I think I will go for it to make sure nothing physical could go wrong. * for the most part *. And I will continue to keep my mouth shut so she can decide herself. I def. do hate him but she will never know that either. I have for a long time. But I have played nice kept a smile on my face no matter how much I want to scream at him. But I don't. I tell him I want to be friends for Triniti's sake. And that's all he knows. I hope everything works out as well. Thanks alot so much I do appreciate it.



Wyldbutterfly
by Snow Bunny on Jan. 4, 2010 at 8:05 AM

My thought here is she is only 3 years old. It's not up to her to make the choices. It's up to you as her parent. If she was older than I could see giving her a choice, she's not she's only three. At 3 years old they do not know any better. They know right from wrong but that is pretty much where it ends.

I think  sharing custody of your daughter is the right thing to do. As you say when she's old enough she will know legally that you did not hold her back from seeing her father. Sounds to me like her father has a lot of growing up to do.

If at all possible, maybe readjust your custody with certain rules and such. He is suppose to be spending time with his daughter not his friends Mom.

As for dying her hair, I would be extremely pissed and he would most definitely know about that. I don't care if she wanted it or not. She is ONLY 3 and DOES NOT make the choices. UGH!

I'm so glad my sons father chose to ignore him. It made things so much easier for my son and myself.

In any case, I wish you the best of luck it's not an easy situation to be in. My son will be 18 in a few weeks and his "siblings" are now in his life. I can't hold him back so I let him go with a smile and tell him I'm here if he needs me and so is his Dad( my husband who raised him since he was 6 months old).

lizmarie1975
by Liz on Jan. 4, 2010 at 8:59 AM

I'm late on this but I just wanted to say that I agree with StudioM.  Good luck!!

Mom2Jack04
by Melissa on Jan. 4, 2010 at 9:29 AM

OMG what a moron putting hair dye in her hair.  If she had said she wanted a cigarette or some beer would he have given it to her?

I don't really know if sole custody will make any difference though.  He'd still have visitation that would be decided by the courts and he could still do moronic things like that.  Sole custody really just means that only YOU make decisions about things such as schooling or doctor visits and such....unless you prove he shouldn't even have visitation, which would be tough because even though hair dye is a stupid thing to have done it didn't really endanger your daughter or show him to be unfit.

I have sole custody, mainly because when I divorced my ex-husband and requested sole custody, and that visitation take place only here in our home town (he currently lives about 6 hours away going to college)...he couldn't afford a lawyer and was too lazy to try to contest anything, so he didn't respond to the summons and after 30 days it went into "default" and I was awarded everything I requested.  The man actualy thinks I'd consider joint custody once he graduates this Spring.....that will never happen.  And he calls our son maybe once every two months and only comes to town maybe 4 times a year when he needs to come and beg his parents for money (and the man is 34 years old, lol)!

Lilypie

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