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step-children problem

Posted by on Jun. 26, 2010 at 6:38 AM
  • 12 Replies

 Morning ladies..........ok so here is my problem.  My hubby and I have been married for almost 24 years (second marriage for both of us).  He has 2 children from his previous marriage (26 and 32).  Both were used by their mother as her "weapon of choice" for many many many years.  When they were kids -- we overlooked a LOT because they were children........BUT..........when they got into their teens and beyond it was difficult for us to IGNORE their lies and terrible behavior.  To make a longggggggggggggggggggg story short -- the connection was severed for almost 11 years.  And it was HIS children who did the severing.  NOW they have both decided to contact their dad again --- I would LOVE to think it was because they FINALLY came to their senses about all the terrible things their mother did to RUIN their relationship with their dad.  But.........my gut tells me that it is all about their grandmother.   They have had virtually NO relationship with their paternal grandmother for years but now that she is getting on in years (94) there is the reality that "Oma" is going to die and "maybe there is something in it for me".  Bottom line........it is all about the $$ for them and frankly I am sick at the thought of getting involved with these two again.  Both kids are "cut right out of their mother" which is very scary.  They have devastated their dad for years and now to just "pop back into our lives" is very upsetting to me.  I KNOW they are his children but years of lies and bad feelings have made me extremely apprehensive about these two.  WHAT DO I DO????

"PEACHIE"

by on Jun. 26, 2010 at 6:38 AM
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Replies (1-10):
lizmarie1975
by Liz on Jun. 26, 2010 at 7:03 AM

What does your husband think of their sudden reappearance into your lives? 

harry
by Bronze Member on Jun. 26, 2010 at 7:05 AM

Honey, there,e not much you can do , ive walked in your moccasins , and its not a pretty picture i know . All you can do is be there for him when it all goes down . My husbands kids blame me for just about every wrong thing that ever happend to them including STEALING  their father from them ( at least his daughter does ) , last we heard from her , all he asked was for a Christmas pic to be taken of the 4 of them , him, his son and daughter and grandaughter and there was,nt enough reasons that could be printed at the time to kill the idea , then they went to other friends and family and we were both the crap of the earth . They hate the fact that i can figure out what they,re up to just like your self . So they too have " cut the cord " as it were , no emails, phone calls, ect. Maybe you can talk to grandma and tell her of your feelings ect. At least she,d know what was going on , its up to her to change things . The sad part is , if that,s all it is , you,ll find out when the time comes , just be there for your husband and love and support him all you can through this , like i said , i  walk in your moccasins .

Peachie87
by on Jun. 26, 2010 at 7:25 AM

 ....he has very mixed feelings which is totally understandable.  After all they are his flesh and blood.........but..........at the same time.....he is fearful of these two.  They have really done serious damage in the past and I KNOW he is torn right now.  He has answered them both via e-mail but what is going to happen next is anyone's guess.  Frankly, I wish they would BOTH take a LONG walk, off a SHORT pier ........and take their mother with them.

Peachie87
by on Jun. 26, 2010 at 7:29 AM

 ...........well you definitely seem to "get it".  I am not a fan of either of these two and the thought of having them back in our lives is scaring me to death.  They also have blamed me for EVERYTHING --- even tho their dad and I didn't get together until a year AFTER his divorce.  Their mother has really poisoned them both and I am not hopeful that their attitude will change.  I had so many years of drama, court battles, changing phone #'s to unlisted to avoid all the harrassment, having her mail sent to a post office box, and now...............here we go again.  "Mom" is still very bitter and has blown marriage #2 but using the kids from marriage #1 seems to be her goal in life.  

tiredgranny521
by Silver Member on Jun. 26, 2010 at 9:42 AM

My in-laws were both in their second marriage when I married DH. DH's step dad disowned all three of his kids because of their behavior- nearly identical to your step kids. By the time FIL died at age 85, his ex and all three kids had died years earlier. One was shot is a shoot out with police and the other two died of preventable heart disease because they made very bad lifestyle choices. I say, make sure granny is aware of their possible motives for reuniting. I know your DH is hurt by their past behavior but remind him to stay suspicious of their current re-entry into his life.

I also helped a neighbor whose children chose to ignore her after her husband died. After years of neglect from them, she died leaving her estate to the neighbors who helped her. One of her grand daughters called wanting to know where her grandmother was and why her home was for sale (she wanted it) so I just directed her to the attorney who was the executor of her estate. We never heard from her again.

Peachie87
by on Jun. 26, 2010 at 1:54 PM

 .........the sad thing is that over the years -- these two have left "crumbs" for the grandmother when it comes to ANY relationship.  She is so needy and so desperate and so lonely that she will take ANYTHING they dish out to her -- whether it be disrespect or a quick visit (that is usually motivated by the mother wanting information).  She and her husband stepped over their own son with the hopes of having a realtionship with their grandchildren.  They both allowed my husband's ex to lie and deceive in court -- as well as the kids------and they said ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.  I gave up a longggggg time ago trying to make her see what her behavior was doing.  I made MY decision years ago to just back away from all of them.  It has worked for me so far but now -- who knows what will happen.  My husband is caught between a rock and a hard place.  No matter what he does  - those kids will do what THEY want and what MOMMY wants and in the end I know it is just going to be more drama and upset.  It is frustrating because I KNOW what is coming and there isn't anything I can do to prevent it.  As for Tom (my husband) - I can only tell him to be careful and make sure he knows that whatever he decides to do "with them" will NOT involve me in any shape or form.

"PEACHIE"

Wyldbutterfly
by Snow Bunny on Jun. 27, 2010 at 9:16 AM

Oh boy. What a horrible situation to be in. I some what understand your feelings on this subject. I have two step kids. A 24 year old step son and a 19 year old step daughter. I love my step son as if he was one of my won. Step daughter is a completely different matter. She is sneaky, conving and down right nasty. My husband and I have nothing to do with his daughter, Her choice, not ours. He just pays his child support faithfully and we leave it at that. When we tried, it didn't work out so well. She was quite frankly a nasty little bitch. Nasty emails, phone calls and texts. She drinks, smokes pot and last I knew was 16 and sleeping with a 24 year old afraid she might be pregnant. Since severing ties with her in any shape or form. It's been a very peaceful house hold which I am grateful for.

 

All you can do is be there for your husband and pray for the best possible outcome. I wish both you and hubby lots of luck.

Peachie87
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 2:16 PM

 ....thanks for the support but I fear that there really isn't much I can do.  These kids have wrecked havoc for years and that won't stop as long as their mother draws breath.  I think it was more of a rant for me -- now that they are trying to "re-establish" something with their dad.  Like I said -- I plan to keep as far away from these two as I can.  As for my husband.....well he is a big boy and he KNOWs what they are capable of doing.  Should he decide to give them another chance - he knows he will be "in it" by himself.  They have done to much to me and my children for us to consider having another go of it.  But thanks for listening...........

"PEACHIE"

remaining_me
by Kay on Jun. 27, 2010 at 2:59 PM

i'll agree with you, i don't feel their is much you can do and my own opinion is that their isn't much you should do. this is hubby's issue. when you get with someone you have to accept their "baggage" and accept that it may effect you. sucks because you have to also realize that even if it is indirectly effecting you its their baggage to handle, not yours. IMO, unless it starts to DIRECTLY become an issue for you, let hubby deal with his family.

and i can only say what i'd do, but even if hubby does want you to jump in, i wouldn't. that is his children, his family and you forgive family and get over some thngs because they're family. if you jump in and things get ugly you'll become the permanent wedge between them because you're not blood. (i hope any of that last part made sense to you because i'm bad at wording things, lol)

i understand you may want it to just be over with but having children is never getting to take the convenient road. no matter how nasty, manipulative or WHATEVER they may be, he chose that previouus woman knowing who and how she was, made those children and now their around and want a relationship. hopefully he hears them out and their intentions are well, but if not just try and be a supportive spouse. good luck to you all.

remaining_me
by Kay on Jun. 27, 2010 at 3:11 PM

oh i didnt read your replies first. you already seem to want to stay out of it, good move. again, good luck hun.

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