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My life is/was like whoa...

Posted by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 8:21 PM
  • 23 Replies

It will be a year in April that I went to work. It's been a drastic change for me. I stayed home for 20 years, only to go right back in to work full time. It was like slamming on the accelerator and speeding super fast head first in to a whole new world.

I've had some ups and downs in regards to work but I try not to dwell on the downs and if I needed to vent about them, I did that here. Which I am grateful that I have this site to do that with.

I've had to learn to manage doing so much on little sleep and not a lot of time. Now, I'm not only working outside the home but in it and, that's been the toughest adjustment for me. Learning how to balance home and work. I'll admit I don't have a complete handle on that just yet but I am trying.

Since starting work, I've become a bit of a recluse. I find my self drifting away from people and things I used to enjoy. Not that I don't enjoy them things or people anymore. I think I just enjoy being home and not wanting to do anything.

Add to that Jessica's attempt and Ron's heart attack I feel a bit over whelmed at times. Lately it's been more often than not. My newest struggle is trying to find a GOOD counselor for Jessica that can work with in my time restrictions. Her last counselor wanted to only see her once a month. That's no where near enough. She needs to be seen weekly, if not twice a week. And one that is in my general vicinity, which seems to be damn near impossible. I took some personal hours from work yesterday to get her in to an emergency appointment. The hours were between 1 and 3. I was there at 2, waited until 4 or a bit after and was out of there by 5. I was told the head honcho had to review the file they started and they would get back to me. How long is that going to take? Her file was marked ASAP by the counselor she seen yesterday. That counselor flat out said she needs it yesterday and at least once a week. I worry about her all the time. I find my self crying over her quite often. Her last note I found was horribly heart breaking. I found this last Thursday. It's not the only one either. It's in Quotes....

"What's the point of living? Someone wanna tell me cause I sure as hell don't have a reason to anymore. I'm just tired of everything that went and goes wrong in my life. Jest let me sleep. forever"

Add to that Ron and his heart attack. Holy shit!! I found myself feeling and thinking I'm too young to be going through all of this. I took 9 personal hours for the 11TH of Feb. so I can go with Ron to his Cardiologist appointment. They are going to do a cardiolite stress test. So in short that means plan on at least 4 to 6 hours of being there. I was originally only taking 7 but figured that to be stupid. Go to work for 2 hours, then leave. By the time I set up, I would have to tear down and leave. We'd also be taking two separate vehicles. It made absolutely no sense, not to mention work and his Dr.'s office are 20 miles or so apart.

I sort of miss being able to stay in my jammies all day and chill. I think I need a week or two to do just that and gather my self. Hell, my last vacation was spent going to the hospital and spending all day there, only to come home and get ready for the holidays and entertaining a boat load of people. It wasn't a vacation at all. It was nothing but stress!

So my life is like whoa! Slow down, take a breath and relax, but I can't!

They say God don't give you any more than you can bare but my back is starting to bend. Much more and I'll crack!

by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 8:21 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Mom2jngnc
by Stephannie on Jan. 29, 2013 at 8:28 PM

Sweetheart I know what you mean by that last statement. I feel like asking God why He thinks I handle as much as I do. 

We are here for you. 

Adjusting is one of my biggest fears about going back to work.

elwalters77
by Erica on Jan. 29, 2013 at 9:01 PM
I totally understand. It's not fair that we have to work full time while trying to parent and keep up with a home. Add health prom lens to that and it's really overwhelming. Hugs.
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Wyldbutterfly
by Snow Bunny on Jan. 29, 2013 at 9:08 PM


Quoting Mom2jngnc:

Sweetheart I know what you mean by that last statement. I feel like asking God why He thinks I handle as much as I do. 

We are here for you. 

Adjusting is one of my biggest fears about going back to work.

I'd like to ask God myself at times. I know what the answer would be. I can handle it but, I sure as heck feel like I can't at times. Add to that yesterday at work. I was sitting the the dark room freaking crying! I was ready to go off half cocked and blow a gasket! Instead I sat in there and cried. Then I got mad at myself for crying and giving that Fuc*^ the satisfaction. That dirty rotton bastard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Adjusting has been hard and still is hard. But I'll get there too. 

Cecelia712
by Gold Member on Jan. 29, 2013 at 9:09 PM
You have had a very rough year. I won't pretend I understand as I've never gone through any of that, but I do think of you often and say little prayers that things work out for you and your family.
I can only imagine how hard it is to know how much your daughter suffers and not be able to get her to understan how quickly these awkward years end.
I truly hope things work out for you and life settles down.
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Wyldbutterfly
by Snow Bunny on Jan. 29, 2013 at 9:11 PM


Quoting elwalters77:

I totally understand. It's not fair that we have to work full time while trying to parent and keep up with a home. Add health prom lens to that and it's really overwhelming. Hugs.

I can't say that it's not fair. Life aint fair. You know what I mean? It's more of what I have to do, or what don't get done and why it don't get done. I'm only one person. Ron helps. He even gets up with me in the morning and will move his car so I don't have to switch them around. Then I feel bad that he does that. Oh just ugh!

Wyldbutterfly
by Snow Bunny on Jan. 29, 2013 at 9:13 PM


Quoting Cecelia712:

You have had a very rough year. I won't pretend I understand as I've never gone through any of that, but I do think of you often and say little prayers that things work out for you and your family.
I can only imagine how hard it is to know how much your daughter suffers and not be able to get her to understan how quickly these awkward years end.
I truly hope things work out for you and life settles down.

Awe, thank you CeCe. That means a lot to me.

Watching Jessica suffer is truly heart breaking. It hurts to not be able to help her or know how to help her. I also get mad over it. Not at her, just mad that a child who's supposed to be just that, a child isn't really a child at all. Not when she's suffering the way she is.

elwalters77
by Erica on Jan. 29, 2013 at 9:14 PM
True, but it would be nice to have a choice, like back in the day, you know?

And I'm the same way. I feel bad when Dan helps out, like I should be doing it all. I have a lot of guilt issues.

How is Jess?


Quoting Wyldbutterfly:


Quoting elwalters77:

I totally understand. It's not fair that we have to work full time while trying to parent and keep up with a home. Add health prom lens to that and it's really overwhelming. Hugs.

I can't say that it's not fair. Life aint fair. You know what I mean? It's more of what I have to do, or what don't get done and why it don't get done. I'm only one person. Ron helps. He even gets up with me in the morning and will move his car so I don't have to switch them around. Then I feel bad that he does that. Oh just ugh!

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Wyldbutterfly
by Snow Bunny on Jan. 29, 2013 at 9:18 PM

Yes, a choice would be nice. I still wouldn't want to stay home though. I do like getting out and working. Just lately, I feel like I need a break from it.

I don't really have guilt issues. I just feel bad that he gets up so early when he doesn't have to. Then I think about his health issues and feel bad about that. I guess maybe I do have guilt issues.

Jess, well, she's an emotional roller coaster. One minute she's up, the next down. I'm seriously considering bi polar but don't want to lable her with that either. ALthough it is in my family and the possibility is there.

Quoting elwalters77:

True, but it would be nice to have a choice, like back in the day, you know?

And I'm the same way. I feel bad when Dan helps out, like I should be doing it all. I have a lot of guilt issues.

How is Jess?


Quoting Wyldbutterfly:


Quoting elwalters77:

I totally understand. It's not fair that we have to work full time while trying to parent and keep up with a home. Add health prom lens to that and it's really overwhelming. Hugs.

I can't say that it's not fair. Life aint fair. You know what I mean? It's more of what I have to do, or what don't get done and why it don't get done. I'm only one person. Ron helps. He even gets up with me in the morning and will move his car so I don't have to switch them around. Then I feel bad that he does that. Oh just ugh!


Cecelia712
by Gold Member on Jan. 29, 2013 at 9:57 PM
I can understtand not wanting the lable, but on the other hand if that's what it is there's medicine. And then you know what's going on, so you can plan an action. As much as I hate "lables" I hate not knowing more. Bi polar runs in my family as well, as does suicide attempts,pathological lying, alcoholism, and many other unpleasant things. I am constantly talking to nicholas about different things because I do worry about all these things.
Id hate to have any of my kids labled with any of those hings, but id rather know that's what's wrong than worry and wonder.
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SamMom912
by Platinum Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 8:15 AM

Chris,

Im so sorry you are stretched so thin these days. Stress of all these changes and difficult challenges this year has been really hard. None harder then Jess, imo... Only cause that seems to be the most challenging, ron wants to get better and works with you. But jess, seems to be a constant struggle. Im glad ur not putting your head in the sand. You realize that all your work with her will pay off and ignoring it wont make it go away. I know it takes a ton of your energy, but i totally respect and commend your pushing through all this..and it will pay off. 

You know jess the best in this world... You will know when and if a DX is right. At that point, it wont matter, cause you know youll be doing right by her. Have they perscribed an anti depreesant for her? 


Would work let you take a sabbatical? The worst thing about employers today is thatbthey care only for their bottom line. I think years ago, employers were much more sensitive to families and respected them... Where today, it is much more cut throat. Which makes me sad... 

Hang in there.. Know we are here for you. I too think of you and your family and keep you all in my prayers. 

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