It will be a year in April that I went to work. It's been a drastic change for me. I stayed home for 20 years, only to go right back in to work full time. It was like slamming on the accelerator and speeding super fast head first in to a whole new world.
I've had some ups and downs in regards to work but I try not to dwell on the downs and if I needed to vent about them, I did that here. Which I am grateful that I have this site to do that with.
I've had to learn to manage doing so much on little sleep and not a lot of time. Now, I'm not only working outside the home but in it and, that's been the toughest adjustment for me. Learning how to balance home and work. I'll admit I don't have a complete handle on that just yet but I am trying.
Since starting work, I've become a bit of a recluse. I find my self drifting away from people and things I used to enjoy. Not that I don't enjoy them things or people anymore. I think I just enjoy being home and not wanting to do anything.
Add to that Jessica's attempt and Ron's heart attack I feel a bit over whelmed at times. Lately it's been more often than not. My newest struggle is trying to find a GOOD counselor for Jessica that can work with in my time restrictions. Her last counselor wanted to only see her once a month. That's no where near enough. She needs to be seen weekly, if not twice a week. And one that is in my general vicinity, which seems to be damn near impossible. I took some personal hours from work yesterday to get her in to an emergency appointment. The hours were between 1 and 3. I was there at 2, waited until 4 or a bit after and was out of there by 5. I was told the head honcho had to review the file they started and they would get back to me. How long is that going to take? Her file was marked ASAP by the counselor she seen yesterday. That counselor flat out said she needs it yesterday and at least once a week. I worry about her all the time. I find my self crying over her quite often. Her last note I found was horribly heart breaking. I found this last Thursday. It's not the only one either. It's in Quotes....
"What's the point of living? Someone wanna tell me cause I sure as hell don't have a reason to anymore. I'm just tired of everything that went and goes wrong in my life. Jest let me sleep. forever"
Add to that Ron and his heart attack. Holy shit!! I found myself feeling and thinking I'm too young to be going through all of this. I took 9 personal hours for the 11TH of Feb. so I can go with Ron to his Cardiologist appointment. They are going to do a cardiolite stress test. So in short that means plan on at least 4 to 6 hours of being there. I was originally only taking 7 but figured that to be stupid. Go to work for 2 hours, then leave. By the time I set up, I would have to tear down and leave. We'd also be taking two separate vehicles. It made absolutely no sense, not to mention work and his Dr.'s office are 20 miles or so apart.
I sort of miss being able to stay in my jammies all day and chill. I think I need a week or two to do just that and gather my self. Hell, my last vacation was spent going to the hospital and spending all day there, only to come home and get ready for the holidays and entertaining a boat load of people. It wasn't a vacation at all. It was nothing but stress!
So my life is like whoa! Slow down, take a breath and relax, but I can't!
They say God don't give you any more than you can bare but my back is starting to bend. Much more and I'll crack!