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We are playing 2 different games

Posted by on May. 8, 2013 at 1:08 PM
  • 7 Replies

So this AM I went to the gym with my friend.
normally I have a good time with this friend. Today, not so much.

I was telling about Sam last night. How we had that play date in the AM cause Friend had thing to do-- then off to school- then crazy afternoon (watching a house full of kids) and how at the end of the day Sam had a really hard time.
He was yelling, defiant, grumbling, mean, rude... but that he was DONE. The whole day just demanded of him and at 7pm, he was done.

I told her the story about how he freaked out and yelled at me when I was reading the book, how I told him I would finish the book and then was done. Then again how he yelled at me when after he apologized... and I said- what are you sorry for... how he yelled "you know what Im sorry for!" and stormed out... (which I was telling as kind of a funny story.

but INSTEAD I got "the lecture".... the lecture about how I am a permissive parent because I didnt punish my son for yelling at me... how by NOT punishing him, he is learning that it is ok... how what I really need to do is spend EVERY DAY like yesterday (pushing him to his limit) so that he learns that life is hectic and can meet demands every day! and goes on to tell me that HER son played basketball from 8-9 then school- then went to after school care and ran around outside all day- then came home, played outside some more, then came inside (and fussed a little about having to come in- but she put her foot down) and he ate his dinner did then did his homework and took a shower.. then went to bed.. and this makes her a better parent.

So ladies... (you know me... Im too nice!) I said very calmly... You and I are playing 2 different games, with 2 distinctly different rules. You have a typical kid. I DONT.

and she went on to say - we are both parents... its just "I am tougher on my kids and my kids are better for it. Youre too easy on Sam. You let him get away with too much...and that is why you have these problems" 

Now, Ive towed that hard line... and it got me meltdown after meltdown, after meltdown. Ive been the strict rigid parent... but Sam could NOT meet what was being asked of him- no more then a child in a wheelchair could walk up the stairs.  I learned from PROFESSIONALS that I coudlnt BE the rigid one- that I HAD TO be the FLEXIBLE ONE. Only Thru Me could Sam learn flexibility-- and he is doing great and becoming more flexible in his thinking and actions.... I had to be the one to be empathetic for SAM to learn it-- and he is doing great there too!!!!
So punishing him would have taught him what? whos boss? He knows who's boss. He was just DONE... When I am done and stressed out and overloaded I freak out too.. do I do it less cause IM OLDER then 6.. YES.. Do I do it less cause I can regualte my emotions better. YES. Should I YELL at Sam for yelling at me.. of should I realize after this taxing day--- there was NOTHING left of him- that EVERYTHING was on his last nerve and setting him off... and cut him some slack? We talked this morning about how we could better handle a day like yesterday and Sam had some great ideas...

Ladies, you know Im a good caring assertive person- smart- problem solver... dont you THINK that if being the strict rigid parent worked- Id still be doing it???

SIGH.... so alas, Now, I fear I am done with yet another friend... since I wont be "judged" like that from a friend... with friends like that... who needs enemies. Ya know? Im going to give it a little bit...

by on May. 8, 2013 at 1:08 PM
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Replies (1-7):
lady-J-Rock
by Niki on May. 8, 2013 at 1:57 PM

I feel like some days Im playing three games.  Because I cannot treat all of the kids the same. Yeah they are treated equally with respect and care but you cannot parent an eleven year old and a three year the same. I can't parent Lily and Xavier the same. They are two very different kids.I think parents all parents need to step back and think about the child in question. Is this actual helpful advice for the other parent and child?If not just laugh or say Im sorry that sucks.

Maybe I have taken one too many child development classes.


SamMom912
by Platinum Member on May. 8, 2013 at 2:02 PM

 sounds to me like youve taken the right amount of classes.. LOL.. right think of your audience... her son is a way different person.. and what works for him.. doesnt work for my kid... ...

you have three different children. Everyone is your house is getting what they need. The definition of good parenting, good teaching, and good treatment is being responsive to the hand you’ve been dealt. ----- the definition isn’t “treating every kid exactly the same”.

Quoting lady-J-Rock:

I feel like some days Im playing three games.  Because I cannot treat all of the kids the same. Yeah they are treated equally with respect and care but you cannot parent an eleven year old and a three year the same. I can't parent Lily and Xavier the same. They are two very different kids.I think parents all parents need to step back and think about the child in question. Is this actual helpful advice for the other parent and child?If not just laugh or say Im sorry that sucks.

Maybe I have taken one too many child development classes.

 


 

Cecelia712
by Gold Member on May. 8, 2013 at 3:13 PM
1 mom liked this

She doesnt sound empathetic at all.  Not all kids are the same, and I agree with Lady j rock here, I cant parent my kids the same, I cant send my 12 yr old to time out when he doesnt listen. Even the G's get different parenting.  G wont listen till I yell, I think he blocks out my normal voice because he often goes into his chanting mode and simply cant hear me, whereas if I yell at giuliana she just yells right back. So all 3 of mine get a different approach. 

If her style works for her, then great. But since none of us live with you and see Sam day in and day out and know what he can and can not handle we have no right to judge. I would have said nicely that "what works for you isnt what will work for me, but thanks for your input".  Had she continued after that then I wouldnt have been as nice in my explanation.

Personally I think Sam did great yesterday, he is only 6! and since he is on the spectrum and has some quirks, he is dealing with them the best way he can.  He took it out on you because youre mommy and he knows he can vent to you.  so while maybe he yelled at you rather than TO you, the end result was the same, he needed to get his frustrations out. Hell, at 39 i just yelled at my kids for fighting because I was trying to research something and they were being so loud.  The very first thing I ask my 12 yr old when he is fresh or acting out is what is wrong.  it is human nature to respond in a negative way when we are stressed and tired. Poor Sam just doesnt have the filtering process down yet to be able to stop himself from yelling at his mother, or a teacher, or anyone else. But again, havent we all had those moments??

She sounds judgemental and a bit bitchy IMO

Mom2jngnc
by Stephannie on May. 8, 2013 at 3:26 PM
1 mom liked this

hubby has to take early retirement and you guys need to move north..... 

I swear every single of my GF"s and I have at least ONE child that does this. A couple just have difficult children (like Garrett) and a couple of us have children that are spectrum.

You did the right thing for SAM, you ignored the behavior you don't like. Sam didn't get attention for it, so he applogized and because he was DONE with the day, when you asked him if he remembered WHAT he was sorry for, it just reinforced that Sam was DONE, yes, he knew he did wrong and wanted to make ammends with you... but that WHAT? was just not what he was ready to deal with.

You are doing a great a job with Sam..... and well, she hasn't hit the teen years yet.... it will come back to haunt her.

Kmary
by Bronze Member on May. 8, 2013 at 9:48 PM
1 mom liked this

When I hear stories like this, I guess the question that always comes to mind is "Why the hell did she give her 2 cents to begin with?"  Sure, there have been plenty of times where I've seen a friend or neighbor's kid do something totally awful and on the inside I have a head full of advice, but I don't actually open my mouth!  Never!   I think it's pretty common knowledge by now that, unless specifically asked, one shouldn't dole out parenting advice. 

You know Sam best and you know what works.  But honestly, none of that matters.  Even if the situation were different and you had actually handled it terribly, it's not for her to say so UNLESS YOU ASK HER FOR ADVICE.  I think often people have trouble recognizing that sometimes you're just venting or making conversation and not really looking for their opinion, you know?

elwalters77
by Erica on May. 10, 2013 at 11:51 PM

See, I'm too nice too, but that would have set me off!

Bethy16
by Beth on May. 11, 2013 at 2:50 AM
I am not nice and I would have told her where she can shove her parenting tips!! I have three totally different children who need to be parented totally different. All children are different whether they are on the spectrum or not. My daughter is not on the spectrum but has SPD . I can not expect her to GI through life like her brother and sister can, she just can't do it. So why should I expect her to do things one way when she just can't? I have put people in their place and told them where to go when Sydney has had a melt down and they feel I am not tough enough on her. It is none of their business and she is MY child and I also think the professionals and doctors who are guiding me know more then you people do! Uugghh sorry but it just pisses me off. You are doing what's best and what works for you and Sam that's all that matters! I give props to you moms with kids on the spectrum!!
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