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What are your thoughts on this one?

Posted by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 2:15 PM
  • 10 Replies

Dan's grandmother died. His family asked us to contribute to help pay for services and burial. I don't feel its our responsibility.

This is the same family that has been mean and hurtful to us for so many years that I removed them from my life. This woman did not come to our wedding or any of our showers. Did not so much as call or send a card to acknowledge our wedding, birth of our children, birthdays, anniversaries or holidays. She didn't even acknowledge that I took time off work to attend her husband's funeral when Dan couldn't be there because he was away at the corrections academy at the timel She never so much as laid eyes on Avery who is now 4 and I think only saw Corbin once. They live less than an hour away, so there is no excuse other than his family freaking sucks.

He wants to help pay (with what money, I don't know - I haven't even broken even with the business yet, it's only been 6 months) and we have a roof to repair! His reason is that it is his aunt asking for help and she was "there for him" when he was a kid (she was only a few years older than him) and she came to his graduation from boot camp (his own mother didn't bother). I think this woman's 5 living daughters can figure this out. They would never help us financially or otherwise for any reason.

by on Jun. 17, 2013 at 2:15 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Mom2jngnc
by Stephannie on Jun. 17, 2013 at 2:37 PM

I am with you. 

Suggest to Dan that WHEN FUNDS PERMIT you would be happy to make a donation to something near and dear to her.... (cancer research, SPCA, Humane Association, her Church) but I wouldn't be handing money over to family. 

SamMom912
by Platinum Member on Jun. 17, 2013 at 2:55 PM

I might offer to foot the bill for something small at the funeral ---or something like that. Paying directly to funeral home. NOT giving money to the family at all, since no offense, they don't sound so nice. But I get that money is an issue. If its Dans family and he absolutely wants to; then I think you need to concede. If the tables were turned, would you want him to tell you no?
I would call the funeral home and ask what small contribution you can make to help ease the burden of the family... perhaps there is a small amount that you would feel comfortable sending?

If you REALLY want to take the stand with Dan, then Id explain that you feel your families money would be better spent on the stuff that needs to get done around the house and remind him that he (and you) work hard for what you have and you dont feel the money at all would be appreciated by them and you're feeling this is an opportunity to "use" him to their benefit and that makes you uncomfortable.  Regardless if his Aunt was there for him, she'll understand that you guys just dont have ti right now to spare. Perhaps in the future, you could make a contribution to the headstone (do you guys do that right away? I dont know.. we wait a year).

But all and all, you both need to agree to make a donation you're comfortable with.

elwalters77
by Erica on Jun. 17, 2013 at 3:03 PM

I think giving directly to the funeral home, something we can afford, (not what they are asking) is reasonable. I also think sitting down with him and talking about what OUR family needs too is a good idea. Unfortunately, his family will not be appreciative of a modest amount donated to the funeral home, but its all we can do and honestly, I can't know for sure they'd use the money for the reasons intended either, KWIM?

Quoting SamMom912:

I might offer to foot the bill for something small at the funeral ---or something like that. Paying directly to funeral home. NOT giving money to the family at all, since no offense, they don't sound so nice. But I get that money is an issue. If its Dans family and he absolutely wants to; then I think you need to concede. If the tables were turned, would you want him to tell you no?
I would call the funeral home and ask what small contribution you can make to help ease the burden of the family... perhaps there is a small amount that you would feel comfortable sending?

If you REALLY want to take the stand with Dan, then Id explain that you feel your families money would be better spent on the stuff that needs to get done around the house and remind him that he (and you) work hard for what you have and you dont feel the money at all would be appreciated by them and you're feeling this is an opportunity to "use" him to their benefit and that makes you uncomfortable.  Regardless if his Aunt was there for him, she'll understand that you guys just dont have ti right now to spare. Perhaps in the future, you could make a contribution to the headstone (do you guys do that right away? I dont know.. we wait a year).

But all and all, you both need to agree to make a donation you're comfortable with.


SamMom912
by Platinum Member on Jun. 17, 2013 at 3:07 PM
1 mom liked this

 

those were my thoughts exactly, which is why you should send it to the funeral home.
I think it also is generous WHATEVER you decide to do, since you COULD do nothing. Something is always better then nothing... and you know what... why idiots they look like when they say "E and D only gave XXX toward the funeral.." Who would say that??? My goodness, the other person would for sure think.. "well, they didnt have to do squat!".... at least that's what I'd think.
Call the funeral home... see what they suggest.

Quoting elwalters77:

I think giving directly to the funeral home, something we can afford, (not what they are asking) is reasonable. I also think sitting down with him and talking about what OUR family needs too is a good idea. Unfortunately, his family will not be appreciative of a modest amount donated to the funeral home, but its all we can do and honestly, I can't know for sure they'd use the money for the reasons intended either, KWIM?

Quoting SamMom912:

I might offer to foot the bill for something small at the funeral ---or something like that. Paying directly to funeral home. NOT giving money to the family at all, since no offense, they don't sound so nice. But I get that money is an issue. If its Dans family and he absolutely wants to; then I think you need to concede. If the tables were turned, would you want him to tell you no?
I would call the funeral home and ask what small contribution you can make to help ease the burden of the family... perhaps there is a small amount that you would feel comfortable sending?

If you REALLY want to take the stand with Dan, then Id explain that you feel your families money would be better spent on the stuff that needs to get done around the house and remind him that he (and you) work hard for what you have and you dont feel the money at all would be appreciated by them and you're feeling this is an opportunity to "use" him to their benefit and that makes you uncomfortable.  Regardless if his Aunt was there for him, she'll understand that you guys just dont have ti right now to spare. Perhaps in the future, you could make a contribution to the headstone (do you guys do that right away? I dont know.. we wait a year).

But all and all, you both need to agree to make a donation you're comfortable with.



 

lady-J-Rock
by Niki on Jun. 17, 2013 at 4:22 PM

I would send it straight to the funeral home.

Cecelia712
by Gold Member on Jun. 17, 2013 at 8:10 PM
if you can't afford it I'd sit down and never talk with him. i think its terrible they asked you to contribute! they ignore you til they need money?? and then you don't even know if they'd use it on the funeral?? no way!!
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SamMom912
by Platinum Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 7:35 AM
So what'd you do?
elwalters77
by Erica on Jun. 19, 2013 at 9:56 AM
Quoting SamMom912:

So what'd you do?
They haven't even told us which funeral home or when the services are yet. Kwality.
elwalters77
by Erica on Jun. 19, 2013 at 9:59 AM

OMG, I had to look up her obit to find out! Services are tonight! I have a class and the boys have sign ups for soccer and summer rec. They didn't even tell Dan! WTF?!

SamMom912
by Platinum Member on Jun. 19, 2013 at 10:30 AM
1 mom liked this
Klassy with a captial K.

Please give us money fir service we wont let u kniw when it us. Crazy


Quoting elwalters77:

OMG, I had to look up her obit to find out! Services are tonight! I have a class and the boys have sign ups for soccer and summer rec. They didn't even tell Dan! WTF?!


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