Spotting....UPDATE...update #5....bad news.

[Avabliss]

I started getting brown discharge this morning.  I am so worried.  Even tho I know it can mean nothing I am so so so worried.  :(

I called into work today so I can stay home and rest.  I also called the Doctor and they can see me tomorrow morning at 9am.

Think good thoughts for me tonight.  If nothing else, pray I don't freak myself out too much! 

Update - Christmas Eve

I went to the doctor this morning and he had me go to the ER.  The doctor there did an internal ultrasound and said he couldn't find the pregnancy but that doesn't mean much cause he isn't a radiologist.  My levels came back as 11,250 which are apparently low for 8 weeks.  I waited for ages and went for another ultrasound.  When he came back he had not such good news...  They couldn't find a fetus inside the sac which leads him to believe it may be a blighted ovum (or missed miscarriage).  I am going to wait 1 week and go back to have it all checked again.  If in 1 week there is no change then he said it is likely that what it is.  There is a small chance I am just no as far along as I thought but that is not too likely cause I was TTC and pretty much knew the moment it happened.

This is the worst Christmas ever.

Update #2 - Christmas Day

I am having a horrible Christmas.  :(  I can't focus on my daughter or anything.  All I can think about is the baby.  My mother in law sent gifts for "the new baby" and I just opened them.  I am so sad.  I don't know if there is a baby there or not.  I am so confused and sad.  All I am doing is researching it and reading about stuff and hoping and crying.
I just wanted to add this too.  When I was in the room waiting for another internal ultrasound I took a picture of the little bean.  This is before I knew anything was wrong and I was all excited...  I am really happy I happened to have my new camera with me.  Anyway, here it is.  The large black thing to the right is my bladder and the little dark blob is the sac.

Update #3

I was under the impression that my doctor came back from holidays today but I was wrong.  I woke up super early to get in right away but all I got was the nurse. :(
She booked me an ultrasound and blood test for tomorrow afternoon but I can't get the results until my doctor comes back on Monday!  She did manage to squeeze me in first thing Monday morning.  She was very helpful and completely understood how all this waiting must be killing me....which it is.
My boss has also been great.  I am having trouble keeping my head clear and I work around airplanes so it is kinda important.  I had to leave work early on Sunday cause I couldn't stop crying and I didn't go in on Monday and he paid me for all the hours I would have worked (I have no sick time left and he didn't have to do that).  I am really thankful for him.

Anyway.  Just looking for some more thoughts and prayers for tomorrow.  I am so nervous I am literally shaking.  All I can think about it this baby and what I might have done to hurt it.  I know that is silly but its hard not to....I am thinking the most ridiculous stuff that I know is not true. This has been the longest few days of my life and I still have 6 days to go.  I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

I hope I can come back in 6 days and tell you all of this stress and worrying was for nothing....

 

 Update #4 - Jan 4th

I saw my doctor today.  The results were "inconclusive".  My levels went up but not as much as they should (11240 to 16000 in 8 days).  The ultrasounds showed a fetal pole 4 or 5 weeks underdeveloped with no heartbeat.

So basically I have no idea whats going on. 

I have another ultrasound on Wed and a blood test tomorrow.  So more waiting.

This has been the longest 11 days of my life....I have no idea how I will get through 3 more.  :(

Anyway....thats my update.  I wish I was updating with real news.

 Update #5 - Jan 6th

I had another ultrasound and saw my doctor today. 

The baby got smaller and there was no heartbeat.  They have every reason to believe the baby has passed away and I will miscarry in the next week or 2.  There was 3 subchorionic hematoma's as well but he isnt sure it that has anything to do with it.

It could happen anytime.  I hope it happens quickly.  All I can think is that I have my dead baby inside me and there is nothing I can do.

I can't belive how hard this is.  My husband is being amazing.  I know he is sad as well but he left work as soon as I told him and has been in bed with me all day watching Gilmore Girls on DVD and eating Ice Cream and letting me cry.  I am lucky to have him.

Thank you so much for all of your thoughts, prayers, virtual hugs and messages.  It is so easy to put all of this out on here.  I don't have to edit myself or worry about what I am saying I can just type and get it all out.  You have been great.  I wish I could stay apart of you group tho.

 

[Punkrawkpookie]

Praying for you and the saftey and health of your little one!

[hopeym23]

 Your in my prayers!  Just keep your feet up and know that you are doing everything you can to help your baby.  Keep us updated.

[twinzplusone]

im sorry to hear that, hope everything goes ok for you at the doc.

[Punkrawkpookie]

Oh dear! I am so sorry, hun! Praying for comfort for you this Christmas.

[mom2TAJ]

Saying prayers for you and your little one....

[2boysngirls]

I'm so sorry. I will be praying for good news.

[twinzplusone]

i just read ur updates and am very heartbroken for you.  i do hope that everything will work out for you.

[ReganChris]

oh gosh.. I'd be the same way.. the unknown is terrible especially.. I hope it all works out and you get an answer soon. :(  hugs

[may08mom]

I just read your post.  I am praying for you!!!  I hope your little bean is there and it's just not as far along as you thought!  Please keep us updated.  I am hoping and praying for positive news this week :)

 

[Avabliss]

Thanks so much for your thoughts and prayers.
I have been frozen for 4 days waiting.  I tried to go back to work but couldn't focus on anything.  This is so stressful.

I am going to call the doctor tomorrow in morning.  Ill update you as soon as I know.