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A lil worried about whats gonna happen when my husband returns home from deployment

Posted by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 2:52 PM
  • 9 Replies

We are halfway through the deployment and it seems as time goes on my husband gets more and more grumpy. He finally got Internet in his tent a couple months ago, so we are able to chat via Skye. But lately he doesn't seem to want to talk to me, and when he does he is rude and I end up crying and mad! I understand this is hard on him too, But why do I get to shit for it. I hate that every time we talk it ends with both of us in a bad mood. I try not to let him know its bothering me but today I had enough! I told him nicely that it hurt my feeling when he did that, and he got mad and wouldn't talk to me. I tell him I miss him and he calls me names! and that just gets me down and wonder "why bother" but then again I cant not tell him! It got me thinking, if he is acting like this now whats gonna happen when he gets home? He is already a hot headed stubborn man when he wants to be. 

So I was thinking about calling the military one source, and getting help with how to talk to him, how to deal with this, how to prepare for his homecoming. Has anyone else called? Was it helpful? I don't know what else to do!

Any advice would be great!!! Thanks ladies

by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 2:52 PM
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Replies (1-9):
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 2:54 PM

No advice but good luck! I hope you guys can work through it.

by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 3:11 PM

Thank you!!! I hope so too!!!!

by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 3:18 PM

My bf just got back a few months ago. I dont know what to really say because he did not act like that. When we would have an argument we talk it out and never hang up or ignore eachother, he sounds like it ptsd and if so he needs to git all the help you can git him.

But first he needs to understand that they way he speaks to you is un called for you have done nothing to deserve this and if he needs to vetn that fine but he needs toi make sure u understand he venting and not yelling at you.

we all go thru this one way or another with deployments and they have counseling and other avenues to look into but you have to  git him help if it ptsd because he will need you to be with him and stand with him through it all

by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 3:23 PM

My ex and I used Military One source for marriage counseling.  It is cool because it is very private, no one has to know you are seeking therapy, and they are there to help.  That would be a good idea for you to learn what to say to him and keep the confersation on a positive note.  They can probably help you to see where he may be coming from based on what you are able to tell them.  Then when he comes home, he can go and get help, confidentially. 

by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 3:30 PM

Your story sounds like my story. My DH acted the same way when he was in Iraq. And, strangly enough, it started half way through the deployment and lasted the remainder of it.

It got pretty bad and eventually I did call Military one source, and started seeing a counselor on my own to help me with how I was feeling. Once he got home we went to counseling together.

We finally decided that he was being an ass to me to test me. To see if I was gonna leave him like his first wife did. Also, in Iraq, life was "easy" for him. He woke up, went to work, ate, went to bed. He didn't have to deal with juggling real life and deep down he was scared to have to learn how to live a real life with a baby and a wife once he got home. So, him being an ass to me on IM and through e-mail was his way of pushing me away so he didn't have to deal with the real life that was waiting for him back home. (our daughter was only 4 months old when he left) He even started an "e-mail" affair with an ex-girlfried. He told me later he did that cause when he was talking to her, it reminded him of past times when he was young and was living life without responsabilties.

The first year after he was home was ROUGH. Both of us had a lot of forgiving to do and a lot of re-learning eachother. It stil is rough sometimes, but getting better. The military way of life does not translate well in to married life (espeically the Marine Corps). My counselor even told me at one point to not get my hopes up to "fix" the problem because my DH might be, and I quote, "damaged goods"

I don't know if any of this applies to you or not. I would suggest at least getting counseling for yourself so you don't become dpressed or distant too. Also, maybe limit your conversations to "light" topics so as not to start arguing about big life stuff. Good luck, hang in there.

by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 4:09 PM

Thank you for the help ladies!!!!! Im going to call today!!!! This is my first experience with all this! Its hard to tell whats going on with him because he is a very closed off person he was getting better about that a few months ago but now he is pulling away! But I will try my hardest to help him!

by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 7:13 PM

While my husband was deployed (15 months) we had lots of retreats that dealt with how to deal with him being gone, how to talk to him, and reintegration.  Some people think they are cooky but 1) It was a free stay at a random nice place in Germany (where we were stationed) and 2) I felt all the information I could get would be beneficial and I could weed out the silly stuff.

I'd recommend seeing if your unit offers any of these retreats and if not talking to military onesource or better yet ACS on post.  Also, most units have reintegration retreats for couples that offer daycare (the ones I went to also offered daycare while sessions were going on) and it really helped us to work through stuff when he got back.  It wasn't terrible, he stayed mild tempered the whole deployment and was happy to be home, but he was working 14+ hour days (batallion staff- not fun) and had gotten so use to his own routine as I had mine it was wierd putting together "our routine".  Either way the retreats helped, so did talking and keeping communication open.

Good luck!!!!!!!!!  

CafeMom Tickers

by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 7:20 PM

Hubby (then bf) did this to me his 1st deployment. He was apathetic about everything. He also prefered to be deployed bc then it was like he was single. He didn't change when he got home. Needless to say, I cried myself to sleep almost every night for 8mos while he was home and we broke up several times. I finally got tired of everything and broke up with him one last time during his 2nd deployment. I was over and done w/it. Luckily, it was like a kick in the ass and he changed back into the man I love.

Good luck and stay strong!

by Nikki on Jan. 18, 2010 at 9:10 PM

Definitely check out militaryonesource. They have a lot of helpful info. Good luck!

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