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I'm about ready to give up on my DH..No bashing please. PIOG *Small edit*

Posted by on Sep. 14, 2011 at 1:17 PM
  • 29 Replies

Background:
July 2007-July 2008 he was deployed. When he came home our son was 9mos. DH would spend all his free time playing videogames and ignoring me and our son.
Oct 2009-March 2010 we went to marriage counseling. We got all our problems out in the open and worked through them. Our marriage was fantastic after that.
July 2010 I had our daughter.
August 2010-August 2011 he was deployed again.
DH has been home for 1 month, that's it. And I'm ready to throw in the towel. I have to beg and plead with him to change a diaper or get a glass of juice for the kids. And forget playing with the kids, he just won't do it. He comes home from work, changes clothes, sits on the couch, and he'll sit there playing around on his phone for 2-3 hours. He'll get up to eat or use the bathroom, then it's right back to his damn phone.
If I go upstairs to take a shower, I'll come back down to find him playing on the xbox and the kids are getting in to things. I can rarely get him to stay home with the kids so I can do the grocery shopping by myself. I couldn't even make it to my dentist appt last month because he refused to be alone with the kids.
After we went to marriage counseling last year, he was a great father until he had to leave for the 2nd deployment. And for 3 months before he came home, he was all "I'm going to do whatever I can when I get home to make it easier on you," and yet since he got home my life has been even more stressful than it was while he was gone.
I HAVE talked to him about this, several times. Sometimes it turns into an all-out fight, sometimes it's a calm discussion. And every time, he says he'll help me more and pay attention to the kids, but it never changes.
And please don't give me the whole "he just got home, it takes time" speech. The way he is acting is unacceptable and there is no reason for him to be cutting himself off from our family.
I have mentioned going to counseling again, and all I get is "We don't need it." Obviously we do, but he won't admit to it this time. He's going to wait til I start packing suitcases to leave, just like last time.

What do I want by posting this? Some kind words, encouragement, etc. ANY AND ALL BASHING WILL BE IGNORED.

* Even after having talked to him about these issues numerous times, I am going to do so again.  This time, I have written him a letter so I can get all my thoughts out and so hopefully he actually hears me with it all being on paper.  In it, I gave him an ultimatum...We either start dealing with our problems (both individually and collectively) and at least make a dent in them by January, or I'm taking the kids back home to MN for awhile.


by on Sep. 14, 2011 at 1:17 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Soniam301
by Sonia on Sep. 14, 2011 at 1:23 PM
sometimes people don't know what they have until it's gone...maybe he needs an ultimatum.

I think it's too soon from him getting back, but it's your marriage, you know the situation better than any of us.
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LOswald0314
by Ruby Member on Sep. 14, 2011 at 1:29 PM
If that's how you feel, pack your bags and see what happens from there. If he's not willing to work on it and you're not willing to give him another month to get into the swing of things, it may be what you need to do.
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mrschambers7508
by on Sep. 14, 2011 at 1:30 PM

Maybe you should take the kids and leave for a while. See if maybe he'll get his act together. 

I agree with you that coming back from a deployment is not an excuse for doing that.

GotSomeKids
by on Sep. 14, 2011 at 1:34 PM

Not bashing, but having gone through several deployments, I agree 4 weeks is not a lot of time.  Think about what you goes through on a deployment and the time he needs to sort of "download".  Hubby went through the same thing, except he built a patio, but the point was he wasn't helping with the family.  But, I gave hime the time he needed to decompress and about 8 weeks later we started counseling to help pull him through everything (and me too).

Not saying it's right, because believe me I know what your going through.  I do, I really do.  Have you thought about seeing a counselor by yourself to come up with a few options since he doesn't want to go?  Let him know too.  Tell him you want to do EVERYTHING you can to help the family.  Meanwhile, if you need to push the issue right now, try asking him to make a schedule.  That will give him the time he needs to decompress, but the responsiblity of knowing he has things to do. 

Hope this helps!

iluvmysoldier07
by on Sep. 14, 2011 at 4:00 PM

BUMP!

GotSomeKids
by on Sep. 14, 2011 at 4:02 PM

Love the idea about the letter.  Don't forget to give him kuddos too before and after the "ultimatium".

kittn370
by on Sep. 14, 2011 at 4:11 PM
The letter was a great idea! Good job on that one. I think an ultimatum is completely fair as well and may be what ultimately motivates him to act. Other than that, I suggest getting rid of ALL video games and game consoles. Even switch to non-smartphones if you need to.

I think the guys get into the routine of spending a lot of free time overseas playing video games and watching movies and that they have a really hard time breaking the habit once they get home. It's just them over there - they do what they want, when they want, and don't have to have their free time interrupted by kids and chores. It's reality - but it is NOT an excuse!

You're right to demand that your husband man up and help out. Sure, they need some time to adjust just like we do to the new schedule and routine and all the new demands that homecoming places on us, but they have to make an EFFORT to change their habits.

Good luck to you - you're definitely not alone!!
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SierraLynn
by on Sep. 14, 2011 at 4:26 PM

 Couldnt agree more.

Quoting kittn370:

The letter was a great idea! Good job on that one. I think an ultimatum is completely fair as well and may be what ultimately motivates him to act. Other than that, I suggest getting rid of ALL video games and game consoles. Even switch to non-smartphones if you need to.

I think the guys get into the routine of spending a lot of free time overseas playing video games and watching movies and that they have a really hard time breaking the habit once they get home. It's just them over there - they do what they want, when they want, and don't have to have their free time interrupted by kids and chores. It's reality - but it is NOT an excuse!

You're right to demand that your husband man up and help out. Sure, they need some time to adjust just like we do to the new schedule and routine and all the new demands that homecoming places on us, but they have to make an EFFORT to change their habits.

Good luck to you - you're definitely not alone!!

 


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jonellg
by on Sep. 14, 2011 at 4:38 PM

Sorry I didn;t read it all, you lost me at "he's been home one month, and I'm ready to throw in the towel" it sounds to me like you are looking for a way out. FYI marriage is not easy.

iluvmysoldier07
by on Sep. 14, 2011 at 4:46 PM
I am not looking for a way out. We have been together for over 5 yrs. Maybe if you'd read the post you wouldn't be so judgmental.

Quoting jonellg:

Sorry I didn;t read it all, you lost me at "he's been home one month, and I'm ready to throw in the towel" it sounds to me like you are looking for a way out. FYI marriage is not easy.

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