PTSD, anger, violence. looking for help, not negativity. *update, times two

[BekaBug]

ive turned to a few other groups and got no real support. i was given advice for situations that was unlike mine so my final act is to come here. im not looking for negativity but support and some understanding. my dh has being have issues with his PTSD. our marriage has been stressed and our fights are becoming more frequent. we're getting ready to separate for a few mos. im pg and due a month before we PCS and can not stay over seas. dh plans on seeking counseling after we leave. once we get to our new duty station we plan on going to marriage counseling. i want to know if any one has experience with this. he only lashes out when he feels trapped so from now on if he starts to feel that way hes going to out out for a bit. he also lashes out when he feels attacked by me so ive been working on not yelling when i get mad at him. he quit drinking to cut out flash backs. we're considering divorce but really want to fix things if at all possible. i suggested counseling for him and he suggested marriage counseling. i sought help from a divorce support group and they told me to try every thing to fix our marriage first. yet the group mod kept saying i sounded like the typical abused wife. (i don't get out much, not bc dh wont let me but bc i cant drive and most of my friends have already PCS'ed its a three yr tour over here) so i then went to an abuse group just to see if the mod knew what she was talking about. they all said my life was in danger and he would never change. my life is not in danger and my dh is the main one who wants to fix every thing. im hoping that you ladies will give me a bit more support. seeings how youre living in the "military world". maybe you have dealt with a similar issue.

with all the bashing ive taken of the past few days on this very emotional situation i will give this a few pages and if it gets harsh i will delete and leave the group. im just at a complete loss and i guess i really just want to know that we can make this work. we've been together for ten yrs and this has only been like this for the past two. im not wanting my dh to be like he was when we met at 14 or married at 20 but i want to know that with help he can get himself in check.

my mom, mil and BFF think im making a good decision. i guess im just looking for an out side source to tell me im not being naive. thank you in advance.

*i wanted to say thank you. yall are a wonderful group and im so happy i turned to yall. dh has been amazing. as far as i know he hasnt started counseling though. hes been training his replacement and getting him and his family situated. as well as finishing up my EROD paper work and his re-up packet. my EROD should be in by the beginning of next month. :) our families are ridiculously excited to have us home. however; the position at Stewart had been filled and dh didnt want to take the spot at Gordon so we're no longer going to GA. (dh would have taken Gordon but i couldnt ask that of him) we locked in at Knox today. its an 11 hr drive from home but its much better than our other options. dh wanted AK, under different circumstances i would have jumped at it as well. maybe next time. :) any ways.. i just wanted to say thank yall.

*i wanted to put in another update. bc im still getting responses to the original thread. (which i greatly appreciate, thank yall) a few wks ago dh and i had a huge blow out. i decided at that point i was done, it was to much for me to handle and my children deserved better. we recently paid off all our debt and since dh said i was bluffing i applied for a credit card in my name to purchase plane tickets back home. i found a divorce attorney who specializes in military cases and is very involved with his clients. (my BFF used him) i looked into financial aid and housing. i also didnt speak to dh for a few days. at first he didnt notice. he would say mean things and i would ignore it or cry. after the first day i started pointing out all the mean things he was saying. i then gave him another day and after the third day he came to me and wanted to talk. i told him about the credit card, attorney, plane tickets, etc. its been two weeks and things are slowly getting better. he would still snap at our two yo but i would quickly point it out and he would apologize. yesterday he showed the most improvement with her. she woke up wanting to hang out with him but he was gone so when he got home she wanted to be right next to him and have him do everything for her. he didnt snap once. as of right now we have postponed my EROD and are putting in for a curtailment and 30 days of leave so we can go home as a family and then go to KY as a family and cont to work on our marriage. i did not buy the tickets to go home but i havent undone any thing else. i still have all the info i need for housing, financial aid and the attorney. but im not giving up just yet and neither is he. :) 

[Emmysmama89]

I have no advice mama. But I know how hard it is to be with someone with PTSD. If you ever just want to chat pm me.

[ceashell429]

I have PTSD from physical and sexual abuse. My husband has been amazing. He drew a line in the beginning of what he would and would t accept from me. Such as attitude and abuse. And he has been here for me. Every step of the way. Living with PTSD is like living your life in a movie. Half the time what is real feels fake and what is fake feels all too real. You don't trust anyone and half the time you don't trust yourself.

You have to be invested enough to not take your husbands actions personal. Even when he is pointing a finger right at you.

The thing that helped me the most is keeping a journal. I took situation, a flash back situation. I'd write about it and then Id rewrite the ending. Put my happy ending in it. Or at least one I could live with. It really did help. PTSD is about not having control. With the journal, I gained control.

[BekaBug]

i finally drew the line last night. for a while i was just taking it but im not any more and i told him that. whether he believes me or not idk but once we're back in the states if he acts out i plan on going home for a few days to show him im serious. he says he lives day by day but i keep telling im he may feel his actions are effective but theyre ruining our marriage in the long run. he doesnt realize how close he is to losing me and the kids. he wont even accept that he has PTSD when every one around him (who actually knows him) sees it. he knows his actions are wrong but he feels like there necessary to survive. i kind of understand; which is why im still here but i just need to know there is hope. especially if hes willing to make changes for the better.

Quoting ceashell429:

I have PTSD from physical and sexual abuse. My husband has been amazing. He drew a line in the beginning of what he would and would t accept from me. Such as attitude and abuse. And he has been here for me. Every step of the way. Living with PTSD is like living your life in a movie. Half the time what is real feels fake and what is fake feels all too real. You don't trust anyone and half the time you don't trust yourself.

You have to be invested enough to not take your husbands actions personal. Even when he is pointing a finger right at you.

The thing that helped me the most is keeping a journal. I took situation, a flash back situation. I'd write about it and then Id rewrite the ending. Put my happy ending in it. Or at least one I could live with. It really did help. PTSD is about not having control. With the journal, I gained control.

[BekaBug]

thank you.

Quoting Emmysmama89:

I have no advice mama. But I know how hard it is to be with someone with PTSD. If you ever just want to chat pm me.

[Apollos82]

I don't have any advise, but my husband has PTSD as well. I feel for you. I think you guys have a good plan in place--just follow through. Plans don't help unless they are implemented.

I guess my one piece of advice would be to remind yourself daily--multiple times if necessary--of the symptoms of PTSD an what they look like in your husband. I get frustrated with my husband for not being social. Duh! I have to remind myself he ISN'T being a recluse, he's doing what he has to to survive emotionally!

Anyway, I hope that helps and that you guys can work it out. Stay safe and sane

[usmclife58]

((hugs))

I do not think they can understand. I think there is a difference in what you are describing and being an abused wife. PTSD does not "excuse" abuse, but it does provide a point to turn things around. And I applaud you for trying to make it work; I know that it is not easy. The fact that he is willing to get help, and is even suggesting ways to fix things, is a good sign- provided he follows through.

You do need to keep yourself and your children safe. If at ANY time he becomes a threat, someone needs to leave *immediately* until the situation is calm again. Do not EVER put his feelings before your safety. If you have to call the MP's or police because he is being violent, do it. You cannot make things work if something happens to you. And finding forgiveness for either of you if something were to happen to your children is probably unlikely. 

I do not think you are being naive. Things can work out. Good luck!

[ceashell429]

PTSD is a protector. It has kept me safe for a long time. When I let go of it. I get hurt emotionally. And that is a fear hard to deal with.

My daughter has it also and we joke and say PTSD is our friend. And sometimes no one seems to be a better friend.

Keep your boundaries. Stick to your guns but be prepared for him not to care. Caring means feeling. And that is what he is avoiding most.

Quoting BekaBug:

i finally drew the line last night. for a while i was just taking it but im not any more and i told him that. whether he believes me or not idk but once we're back in the states if he acts out i plan on going home for a few days to show him im serious. he says he lives day by day but i keep telling im he may feel his actions are effective but theyre ruining our marriage in the long run. he doesnt realize how close he is to losing me and the kids. he wont even accept that he has PTSD when every one around him (who actually knows him) sees it. he knows his actions are wrong but he feels like there necessary to survive. i kind of understand; which is why im still here but i just need to know there is hope. especially if hes willing to make changes for the better.

Quoting ceashell429:

I have PTSD from physical and sexual abuse. My husband has been amazing. He drew a line in the beginning of what he would and would t accept from me. Such as attitude and abuse. And he has been here for me. Every step of the way. Living with PTSD is like living your life in a movie. Half the time what is real feels fake and what is fake feels all too real. You don't trust anyone and half the time you don't trust yourself.

You have to be invested enough to not take your husbands actions personal. Even when he is pointing a finger right at you.

The thing that helped me the most is keeping a journal. I took situation, a flash back situation. I'd write about it and then Id rewrite the ending. Put my happy ending in it. Or at least one I could live with. It really did help. PTSD is about not having control. With the journal, I gained control.

[barrelracer1699]

Why not try councling now? Why wait a few more months? I don't have any experience with something like that but I would start counciling now rather than later.

[victoriaherring]

You can get through this. My husband has PTSD too and a couple of months after he got home it got really bad. We talked about it alot which helped and eventually I told him this was not something he could handle on his own and he needed help. There were times when he would lash out at me for no reason and I would just say "I'm sorry you're upset but please don't take it out on me" and he would look at the situation and realize what he did and apologize. Now when he does it I don't have to say a word, he apologizes.

For us it has taken time and communication. It's still not the best, but it's better. I'm not living everyday like I want out which is an improvement.

And another thing that helps us is going to church together. Just having that activity we can do a couple of times a week and learn together is really nice. It's a positive environment so we both leave being better than when we got there. And the occasional date night usually helps alot too.

[BekaBug]

he has not started counseling bc of his job schedule and if he did then he would not be able to spend the next few weeks with the kids and i. (i would think its an excuse but he has sought help from the chaplain when he needs it) as for marriage counseling, we're looking into it but finding a sitter is becoming more difficult bc all of our friends have PCS'ed and the day care center is not open late. if we wait til we PCS then my mom can watch the kids. we chose a duty station close to home so we could have more support in better our situation. we also thought it might be best to work on our individual selves before trying to fix us as a couple.

Quoting barrelracer1699:

Why not try councling now? Why wait a few more months? I don't have any experience with something like that but I would start counciling now rather than later.