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What does it take to be a good Military Mom if your son is Married or has a girlfriend?

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 After reading some of the posts I am baffled by the relationships between his Mom and wives and girlfriends.  What can Mom's do to make that relationship better?  I'd like to hear from you!

 

by on Jun. 19, 2012 at 8:21 PM
Replies (51-52):
davnrori
by on Jun. 21, 2012 at 12:25 PM

 I guess I was making some assumptions in my reply but I CERTAINLY was not cutting anyone down. There are situations where having a mom who butts in and has her own issues shouldn't be a part of her son's family. However, it is not up to the wife to make that decision for her husband.

Please don't put words into my mouth. My response simply said, "If my son calls and complains or cries because his wife or gf is treating him badly, of course I'm going to be sympathetic to him!" I said nothing about giving him a free pass if he acts like an asshole. Cheating is never okay, abuse is never okay, and I would never condone such from any child of mine- not just my son. Just because I will love him no matter what doesn't mean I will always like what he does.

My personal stance as a mother is that once my child is out of the house and not relying on me for food/shelter/money, I can still give them advice but don't have the right to be pissed if they don't take it. I don't plan on getting into the middle of any disagreements because, more often than not, husband/wife disagreements are resolved and then if the mom badmouths the wife, the mom becomes the bad guy. I can support my son during rough patches without being negative. That being said, if the WIFE is the problem (because no matter how well you raise someone they can make bad personal decisions), cheats on my son or abuses him in any way- He will have to cut me out of his life to protect her. Because I WILL hunt her down and beat the ever loving stuff out of her.

Quoting afwifey4510:

Or....they saw how there mom was and promised themselves they'd be nothing like them. Just food for thought...

Example dh's moms been married 11 times and had a lesbian stage in her life, all before dh hit 18. He says through hell or highwater he's with me till we die. She's condescending and manipulative, he'll give you the shirt off his back and is the most honest person I've ever met.

I've had douchebag boyfriends and their family was nice as can be and treated me like family.

And you're right good men don't for get there moms, but they do choose their new family over their mother if it's not in the best interest of his wife and kids.

And being sympathetic towards your son no matter the situation? Say he cheated on his wife, she jumps down his throat and he calls and bitches cause it's been two months and she's still acting nutty. You're going to say 'there, there she has no reason to still be pissed/hurt its been long enough'.

You're too quick to cut down women whose husbands were man enough to cut his mother out if she was toxic to their family. If i had a son, and i was the crazy mil, i would know i did my job if he cut me out if i was the reason for his marriage falling apart. Showing me that he's 100% committed to his new family.


Quoting davnrori:

 I don't have a MIL because she passed away in 1994 (I was 14yrs old, lol). I have a good relationship with FIL, SIL, BIL etc. We live quite a few states away though because of the military so it's not like there's any reason for conflict. Maybe it's the fact that my DH is older (he'll be 40 in Aug) but his family doesn't mess around in our business. When DH came home from his deployment (this past Tues, YAY!!!), his dad called the next day and left a message just saying that he was glad DH was home and to give him a call when he had an opportunity. I wish I had a MIL...DH still misses her a lot :( My thing is this- If your DH is a wonderful person, and treats you right, treats your children right, and you love him...He didn't raise himself. Whether he grew up with his natural mom, adoptive mom, step-mom, they are the reason he is who he is. As a mother of a young son, I am having anxiety reading some of the responses here. I plan on raising a good man and good men don't forget their moms as soon as they get married. I know his family will come first but to be dismissed as someone who has simply 'done my job' is offensive. I hope I am welcoming and warm to the woman that my son eventually picks for a wife. If he picks a good woman, with good values, who is a good mother herself, then THAT'S when I'll know I've done a good job. If my son calls and complains or cries because his wife or gf is treating him badly, of course I'm going to be sympathetic to him! He's my son! No matter what he does, I will love him. The same thing can't be said of wives. Women don't always love their husbands forever. If that were the case then divorce would be non-existant. I think the jealousy comes into play when the husband-wife relationship goes south. He might not always be your husband but he'll always be my son!


 

anonymous92
by Member on Jun. 23, 2012 at 9:23 AM

If he is married, it takes letting go and realizing that you are no longer the most important woman in his life. *Very important*

And don't do any of the following things my MIL did:

1) Insist that the allotment your child was sending you while he was NOT married continue after he IS.

2) Send your sons new wife pages out of catalogs for items that you wish for her to purchase for you.

3) Now that your son and his new wife are living abroad in Germany do NOT assume that they must be filthy rich and request disigner clothing and accessories from various European countries. I say this because many people assume the that military personnel are paying their own way to these foreign countries. O...M...G... so NOT the case.

4) Do not insist that your enlisted child phone you as soon as he walks in the door after returning home after a deployment! Very rude. Let him/her have a home coming with his family- meaning the wife and kids.

5) Do NOT repeatedly send various Red Cross messages to your deployed son simply because you want him to call home so you can gripe about your problems. Hello. He's in a combat zone and doesn't need to hear your BS right now. I don't even tell him when things are out of sorts at home because I don't want to worry him and I need him to focus on getting  home safely.

6) Do not come over for a month long visit but only bring clothing for a week because you expect your son and his wife to purchase NEW clothing and necessities for you.

7) Do not go on and on about what it is your child does NOT like when you have found out that he has developed a love for something i.e. diffirent foods. My goodness. Maybe he didn't like the way you prepared them.

8) Do NOT invite his girlfriends from the past over to spend the entire day at your house while your son and his family are over for a week long visit.

9) Do NOT offer to care for your daughter in law after surgery because hubby is deployed and leave during the middle of the night when you find out her mother is flying in. Mine did this and my mother wasn't expected for two days. I had just had laperoscopic surgery and could barely walk. To add insult to injury she stole my good towels!

10) Make an effort to see your very own grandchildren sometime before the twins turn 6!  I carried them for 38 weeks and they were born healthy. The least she and the family could have done was make an effort to travel down to see them instead of constantly requesting that WE make the drive or flight from California to Texas. Drive or fly with infant twins? Are you serious?! Only when absolutely necessary- a PCS move. That is how my kids finally met his part of the family. We were PCSing to Hawaii and went to Texas to visit. They turned 6 a month later. How sad.

I can go on and on. These are just some things that have happened to me or my family that I do NOT recommend any mother of a serviceman do. I have accepted that we will never be best friends and I am so fine with it. But I just don't understand this kind of behavior. The scary thing is I am positive there are worse out there. Sheesh.

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