The Army moved my family to Hawai'i last October, and under my husband's current contract, he will be stationed here until October 2015. While our lives were never perfect, things have definitely been on a downward slide since we arrived here. So much so, that I have been giving serious thought to moving my daughter and myself back to Texas (his last duty station, where my family lives, and where we plan to end up once he gets out). I am not coming to this decision lightly, and the reasons for it are vast, but these are the two most basic:
(A) I need to be close to my family right now. It seems that every few weeks I get bad news from home. Most recently, in less than a month there were two deaths (the second was last week). Also, my sister, who has always been the most "together" one among the three siblings, seems to be having a total crisis of self lately. I know that being home will not prevent illness or death, and that I am not my elder sister's keeper, but I have a very close extended family and I feel some of them need my support now.
(B) My husband. I love him, and I know that he is a good person, but I can hardly stand to be around him at this point. I will not bore you with the details, but rather I will just completely simplify the issue with these words: "certifiable XBOX/technology addict", "spending problem", "neglects is wife and takes all she does for granted", and "absent father". It wasn't always like this...or maybe it was and I just grew up and he failed to. I am not yet to the point of wanting a divorce, or even a legal separation, but my hope is that he may have a positive reaction to the old "now do you realize what you risk losing?" tactic. I do not relish the thought, but I am at my wit's end and only want what is best for my child.
Unfortunately, before I come to my decision, there is one nagging and very hated thing hanging over my head: money. I need to know how his income will change, if at all, if my child and I move back to the mainland. As we live in Hawai'i, we of course have a much higher housing allowance (though we currently live on base) and an extra "cost of living" amount added to his paychecks because everything is so darned expensive here. I need to know what our finances will look like so that I can budget accordingly. There is also the matter of whether or not the military will move us back. I know that one of his sergeants moved his family back, but of course I don't know the details.
I am hoping that someone here can offer me some sort of advice, because I cannot even think where to begin looking, and I would rather not make any "official" inquiries at this point (not that I would know who to ask anyway).
(On a side note - and I know this is probably a futile request - please do not condemn or "bash" me. Every marriage and situation is unique, and I am only asking for advice.)
Well, first I would like to thank all of you who offered any kind of advice. Second, to "KimberGazongas", while I do appreciate your support and apparent understanding, I would prefer that you stop taking it upon yourself to childishly bicker with every other woman who posts a comment that you deem negative. Again, I appreciate your desire to "champion" me, so to speak, but it is not necessary, and I do not agree with the manner in which you are doing it. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, whether or not someone else agrees with it.
i am a bit confused, you said that you are hoping he will have a positive reaction to the 'now do you realize what you risk losing' tactic,
so are you wanting to get all the info to threaten to move but not necessarily have to go thru with it? or are you wanting to move and wanting to know your options? and if you cant afford it, are you planning on staying with him?
maybe the other ladies has answers about if the military will move you etc
Quoting BompsMum:
i am a bit confused, you said that you are hoping he will have a positive reaction to the 'now do you realize what you risk losing' tactic,
so are you wanting to get all the info to threaten to move but not necessarily have to go thru with it? or are you wanting to move and wanting to know your options? and if you cant afford it, are you planning on staying with him?
maybe the other ladies has answers about if the military will move you etc
Sorry, I can see how my wording could cause a little confusion. If it comes to that, I plan to move back home both for my family, and so that he will hopefully realize how much he misses having his family with him. I would never make empty threats like that. I recently told him he has until the one year mark (October) to prove he can be a better husband and father, or I will be moving us back.
In a nutshell, I am....a hippy-dippy; music craving; picture painting; story writing; kitchen loving; nature loving; vegetarian meal diggin'; OCD having; semi co-sleeping; non-spanking; big family wanting; homeschooling; homemaking; wife of a soldier; SAHM to the beautiful Lucy Rose!
does your husband deal well with ultimatums?
if he isnt being an active parent now, i dont think it would get better by putting distance between you two (how often could he come visit, etc)
if he isnt enjoying being a family man, you moving might backfire on you. i dont know you or your husband but lets face it, his enviroment now is daddy and husband mode (and he probably feels like he doesnt have time to be a gamer etc) and when you move out, he gets to da all that he likes, so not much of a punishment really lol.
Quoting KarmicChild:
Quoting BompsMum:
i am a bit confused, you said that you are hoping he will have a positive reaction to the 'now do you realize what you risk losing' tactic,
so are you wanting to get all the info to threaten to move but not necessarily have to go thru with it? or are you wanting to move and wanting to know your options? and if you cant afford it, are you planning on staying with him?
maybe the other ladies has answers about if the military will move you etc
Sorry, I can see how my wording could cause a little confusion. If it comes to that, I plan to move back home both for my family, and so that he will hopefully realize how much he misses having his family with him. I would never make empty threats like that. I recently told him he has until the one year mark (October) to prove he can be a better husband and father, or I will be moving us back.
What's more, when you are both back under the same roof, the problems you are facing will probably not have resolved themselves but indeed become more deep rooted.
Learn to cope and get better as a couple before you consider moving. Absence, in this case, will probably exacerbate the situation, not mend it.
As for your family, I realize that part is hard, but you can still support people long distance. It takes greater personal effort, but it can be done. Support of your family should not come at the expense of your marriage.
Quoting MrsMWF:I don't see how you can successfully work on your marriage if you are in Texas and he is in Hawaii. If you really want your marriage to work out, you need to stay with your husband and figure it out together.
Quoting usmclife58:
Quoting MrsMWF:I don't see how you can successfully work on your marriage if you are in Texas and he is in Hawaii. If you really want your marriage to work out, you need to stay with your husband and figure it out together.
Quoting Maddies_mom101:oh and he will be able to keep the house on base and you will be SOL for BAH the military WILL NOT move you home.
I hate this base!
- KarmicChild
on Jul. 10, 2012 at 9:05 PM