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In Serious Need Of Advice (UPDATE, of sorts)

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The Army moved my family to Hawai'i last October, and under my husband's current contract, he will be stationed here until October 2015.  While our lives were never perfect, things have definitely been on a downward slide since we arrived here.  So much so, that I have been giving serious thought to moving my daughter and myself back to Texas (his last duty station, where my family lives, and where we plan to end up once he gets out).  I am not coming to this decision lightly, and the reasons for it are vast, but these are the two most basic:

(A) I need to be close to my family right now.  It seems that every few weeks I get bad news from home.  Most recently, in less than a month there were two deaths (the second was last week).  Also, my sister, who has always been the most "together" one among the three siblings, seems to be having a total crisis of self lately.  I know that being home will not prevent illness or death, and that I am not my elder sister's keeper, but I have a very close extended family and I feel some of them need my support now.

(B) My husband.  I love him, and I know that he is a good person, but I can hardly stand to be around him at this point.  I will not bore you with the details, but rather I will just completely simplify the issue with these words: "certifiable XBOX/technology addict", "spending problem", "neglects is wife and takes all she does for granted", and "absent father".  It wasn't always like this...or maybe it was and I just grew up and he failed to.  I am not yet to the point of wanting a divorce, or even a legal separation, but my hope is that he may have a positive reaction to the old "now do you realize what you risk losing?" tactic.  I do not relish the thought, but I am at my wit's end and only want what is best for my child.

Unfortunately, before I come to my decision, there is one nagging and very hated thing hanging over my head: money.  I need to know how his income will change, if at all, if my child and I move back to the mainland.  As we live in Hawai'i, we of course have a much higher housing allowance (though we currently live on base) and an extra "cost of living" amount added to his paychecks because everything is so darned expensive here.  I need to know what our finances will look like so that I can budget accordingly.  There is also the matter of whether or not the military will move us back.  I know that one of his sergeants moved his family back, but of course I don't know the details.

I am hoping that someone here can offer me some sort of advice, because I cannot even think where to begin looking, and I would rather not make any "official" inquiries at this point (not that I would know who to ask anyway).

(On a side note - and I know this is probably a futile request - please do not condemn or "bash" me.  Every marriage and situation is unique, and I am only asking for advice.)

 Well, first I would like to thank all of you who offered any kind of advice.  Second, to "KimberGazongas", while I do appreciate your support and apparent understanding, I would prefer that you stop taking it upon yourself to childishly bicker with every other woman who posts a comment that you deem negative.  Again, I appreciate your desire to "champion" me, so to speak, but it is not necessary, and I do not agree with the manner in which you are doing it.  Everyone is entitled to an opinion, whether or not someone else agrees with it.

by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 9:05 PM
Replies (31-40):
by on Jul. 11, 2012 at 6:04 AM
We just recently moved overseas. In the ten months we've been here my grandmother had a stroke, my grandfather died in a house fire, my aunt died from AIDS, my brother is getting a divorce, my other brother is finally getting on the donor list for a kidney, my mother requires surgery on both her feet, the doctors found cancerous polyps in my Father's colon and one of my uncles is missing.

There are ALWAYS going to be valid reasons to return home to your family. It's a back door into the life you were accustomed to living. You have to close that door and tell yourself that there's no turning back. No easy way out.

Like the majority of posters stated you need to work the problems out first. Because if you leave the way things are now those issues will never be resolved. If I felt the problem was that drastic in my own marriage and it was causing me to seriously consider leaving my husband, those cords to his XBox would mysteriously disappear.

I also think you need to consider what is driving him to want a mental escape from his life. I'm thinking a new move, new chain of command, unhappy family and perhaps this is his way of dealing with the stress. He's definitely an avoider so I can see how he would easily become immersed in gaming. If you have to face the problems so should he. Hide those cords girl!

I hope you can work it out. Good luck!
by Ada on Jul. 11, 2012 at 6:53 AM
Why is this the popular opinion on advice giving lately?

Quoting cocoroo:

I didn't notice anyone insulting you. If you consider what was said in this post 'insulting', you need to grow a thicker skin. All I saw were women trying to help you.

Quoting KarmicChild:

Quoting lahela808:

Hi, first, I suggest you stay in Hawaii and work on things.  Just as previous posters said, leaving won't help and a physically absent father would be worst.  

You can move back on an "Early Return of Dependents (ERD)"... it will be a lot of paperwork and some units really vet who goes back, etc.  As you already mentioned, you will lose a significant amount of income if you do move back.  To be more specific, he will get BAH for where you and your daughter are, and he will be moved into the barracks if he is E-5 or below.  If is he is E-6 and above, or warrant or and officer, he will be moved off post and pay out of pocket.


May I suggest you two try speaking with a Chaplain, or going to a marriage and family counselor on post?  They are great, and are considered medical appointments, so your husband would be excused from work.  They are right on Schofield in the medical buildings.  

Thank you for actually answering my questions and for not insulting me.  He is an E-4, and yes I assumed he would be moved to the barracks.  While I do wish to stay and work on our marriage face-to-face, I tire of having the same conversation every few weeks with no change.  Well, sometimes he tries harder for a week or so, but then returns to his old ways.  I have discussed counseling with him several times, and he always says he will look into it, but he never does.

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by on Jul. 11, 2012 at 8:58 AM
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It takes 2 people to make a marriage work, and it takes 2 people to fuck it up.

You need to own up to your half of the problem here.

by on Jul. 11, 2012 at 9:10 AM

Is there anyway that before you make the move home that you could take a trip home to see how things will go? Maybe save up for a week or two trip and see if that helps any? Like for example if you can work on your communication better when you're actually apart and have to actually talk to each other to communicate.

I think it's time to sit down and have a real long conversation with him. Explain how you're feeling with how he's acting and also tell him you're feelings about whats happening at home. The only way to fix things is to talk about them.

by Melissa on Jul. 11, 2012 at 9:19 AM
1 mom liked this
Why give him the control of looking in to counseling? Do it yourself! Quit making excuses and running away from the problem it will not help. You will wind up with no marriage.

As far as the thumbs your family is going through, just remember life still happens when we are away. You can be supportive from far away but in the end your presence is needed with your family. How can you think and help others when you don't have everything together yourself.
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by on Jul. 11, 2012 at 9:30 AM
Idk I think if you move then you should just split the sheets right the and there. Only because if your marriage is having that many problems moving isn't going to solve a thing (maybe in the baby I want you back short term but not the long run).

Have you sat back and evaluated why he's so distant? Maybe marriage counseling would be a good idea. I've been through similar problems and one of the major things was figuring out the part I played in the problem, which is just a thought because these issues are usually a two way street.
by on Jul. 11, 2012 at 9:38 AM
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Id also like to add this: Your husband and child come FIRST not your sister or your mother or anyone else. Trust me this is a very hard lesson I had to nearly ruin my marriage to learn. Also Yes I know it's hard living thousands of miles away but life goes on you can't always be there trust me I know been there done that.
by Stella on Jul. 11, 2012 at 9:57 AM

I understand you are close to your family. But you made the choice to leave and make a NEW FAMILY with your husand and child. Fight for this family, your other family are old enough to fend for themselves. There are other ways to support your other family. Phone calls, mail, email, etc.

by on Jul. 11, 2012 at 10:28 AM
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I find the lack of empathy here disgusting. And here I am with Aspergers and having a son with Autism... And society claims WE are the ones who have the issues with being unable to put ourselves in another's shoes..... MEH!

OP, i wish I had advice for you, but all I can offer is my support. One issue I DO have is one for video game addicts. And I am no stranger to people who arent willing to better themselves and make an effort to fix their unadmitted problems. im no stranger to feeling like you're the only one putting in the work. Ultimatums CAN work... Thats what got my husband sober for over two years now... But they have to be used few and far between and you have to follow through. I asked my husband, "What do you have to offer that makes all your bull**** worth putting up with?" that struck a chord with him... But its also important to ask yourself this question from time to time as well. Do I think moving will solve anything? Not at all. The way I see it, it will only prolong the problems while creating more... And in prolonging them, you wont learn to cope and neither will he. Coping could mean you either work out your relationship.... Or it could mean you get closure in knowing its time to move on. You wont come to a conclusion if you move. The doors behind you wont close... Theyll be left open. It isnt time to move on and open a new door until you are no longer emotionally invested. If it still hurts, plant your feet in the ground and find a way to close the door to the things in the past that cause that hurt. If you are numb, and the things he does ( or doesnt do) no longer make you cry.... Then its getting near time to make that ultimatum... Put the ball in HIS court... And if he doesnt do anything with it, close the door and open a new one.
by on Jul. 11, 2012 at 10:28 AM

I haven't read all the replies yet but I'm going to answer anyway, so forgive me if I repeat someone.

1. Your husband and child are your family now, they should be first. I understand wanting to be close to your family back in Texas, but it would be wrong of you to chose them over your marriage- which is precisely what you would be doing if you moved back.

2. You need to work on your marriage. You need to sit him down and lay it all out for him. Don't bitch at him, don't tell him what a failure he is- talk to him, let him know what you need from him. I'm sure you aren't the perfect wife either, let him tell you what he needs from you w/o your getting angry. Running away to Texas will only be detrimental to your marriage. You say it may give him a picture of "realizing what he's losing", are your prepared for it to back fire on you? What if, instead of missing you, he realizes that he's got the best of both worlds? A wife to take care of his child and the freedom of a single man. I've never really seen ultimatums go very well. Most of the time the one laying down the ultimatum doesn't take into account the possibility of the other person choosing to walk away.

3. What about your child? You would be taking her away from the most important man in her life.

I would suggest thinking loooonnnngggg and hard about every aspect of this before you make a decision.

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