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Military Families Military Families

Problems with 2 1/2 yr old & Daddy's deployments

Posted by on Oct. 3, 2012 at 1:50 AM
  • 12 Replies

 

she will be 3 in Jan, 2013, she's intelligent, & incredibly strong willed. There have been SO many problems I don't know where to start! Mom had kidney stones with Izzy & her kidney's backed up, but she had good medical care. Then when pregnant with Dalton,  (6 mo old) had pre-eclampsia. I this in Sept, but she was NEVER diagnosed by the military hospital, they were SO incredibly, insanely, incompetent! I was terrified that she might die & lose the baby, destroy Daddy & leave 2 yr old Motherless! I lost 25 lbs knowing she could die from this disease being undiagnosed! She went to the Military hospital ER on March 19th with contractions, the first dr said she had round ligament pain & was releasing her, the 2nd dr came in & said WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? She ordered tests & put her on a morphine pump, 3rd dr came in, I get a phone call & she is bawling so bad I cannnot understand her, she is saying the dr accused her of being a junkie & taking drugs while pregnant & hurting her baby! We leave home in FL & go HOME 6 hrs away, I insist she go back to the hospital where she had her 2 yr old (she had 7 stint surgeries & was prescribed every narcotic you could name with the kidney stones, but she only took them when she was passing a stone or one was stuck in her tube, most of the narcotics she took were given to her IV when she was passing a stone or two, or 3, baby was born perfect) So she is 4 centimers dilated, the day after she was having contractions & diagnosed with round ligament pain! She has the baby the next day, Dad was working in FL & rushed to the hospital 6 hrs away, but missed the birth (very painful for him). I cut the cord & immediately knew something was wrong b/c he wasn't crying, I attributed this to the undiagnosed pre-eclampsia......her blood pressure runs extremely low, & it was 200/?, she was diagnosed with eclampsia. Then the medical records came from FL, the dr that accused her of taking drugs while pregnant (without examining her, asking questions, etc) had notified child services! Child services showed up & stripped her 2 yr old looking for bruises, totally traumatizing her. They suddenly claimed the baby was born addicted & began giving him methadone, in spite of the fact he was born with her in full blown eclampsia. He was suffering from the fact she had undiagnosed pre-eclampsia since Sept, & he was born in MARCH! Now he is 6 mo old and the happiest & most intelligent baby I have ever seen. He can pick up his Nuke & put it in his mouth, he can roll over, & stand up with help, jumps high, & is crawling, he never cries unless he is hungry, He is more muscular than I thought a baby could be! He's just like his sister, but never cries (she had gas & tummy problems & had to be given gas drops, no big deal) He's smiling with huge dimples & big blue eyes 90% of the time. Not exaggerating. So the Mom has now been diagnosed with Major Depression, & Post-Partum Depression, she is a completely different person & Mom. She was a awesome Mom before, she is still good, but not bonding with the 6mo old or spending any time with him & clearly overwhelmed when it comes to dealing with her 2 yr old, almost 3 now. She is my daughter-in-law, I love her dearly, we have a very intense bond. I have been with Izzy (2 1/2 yr old) since she was born, more than half of her life & recently her Mom for all intents & purposes, which is why I am here, I am SO overwhelmed trying to help my daughter-in-law, my son (who is currently deployed & having big time trouble adjusting to being away from his family, he cries before he leaves thinking his son will not know who he is & his daughter will hate him for abandoning her. My son is 23 & just made petty officer, my daughter-in-law turned 23 last month (sept) & currently is a shadow of her former bubbly, super organized, I-can-handle-anything self. Did I mention that AFTER the false accusations (I lived with her the ENTIRE pregnancy, so I know) she began taking pain pills, to self medicate I think, she has a psych, but missed appts due to one thing or another, she was on a anti-depressant & got better for a while, then her hair started falling out in handfuls & she got off of it, but then my son was deployed again & she went back home, where I have been caring for the 2 yr old & my Mom has had her 6 mo old for the past month, with another month 1/2 to go. I have a bad back & many problems of my own, but they have been put on hold because I am now a full time Mommy again, which I don't mind, but for the health of my baby girl! When we are both in the room & she says "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy" as they are wont to do at that age, she is talking to me & not her Mom!!!!! They were super close before all of this. They did not pursue the case of child abuse, but they have not closed it either! Not officially. I called them & told them, "This is a 3rd party, I live with them, & there has been no abuse of any kind" They were anxious to close to the case (hopefully to focus on children that NEED help!) But she never gave me the name/# of her case worker to properly file the complaint!!!!! This is NOT how she was before, at all! I said I would file a complaint against the dr who made the false accusations, who was about to retire, because military cannot, (MAKING THEM NOT ACCOUNTABLE FOR MISTAKES, SO THEY DON'T CARE IF THEY MAKE THEM & DESTROY FAMILIES based on half-truths, she probably based her decision on the fact she was prescribed narcotics her first pregnancy, ignoring the fact she had 7 surgeries & passed a ton of kidney stones, I SAW them, & had her kidneys backing up, VERY dangerous!) My son wanted me to do it, he was infuriated, & he rarely gets angry about anything (until recently, the 3rd deployment he's on now he started shutting down emotionally & being angry at home about nothing except the fact he feels helpless to do anything to help because he knew he was leaving again in a few weeks!) But again, I couldn't get enough info to pursue it from my DIL, she has been very scattered emotionally & mentally. I am trying to be supportive of them, my DIL went into rehab 3 mo ago & got completely clean at my insistance that it was best for her & the babies. She was embarrassed & I told her she was brave & it was the admirable thing to do to admit to a problem when most people go on for YEARS. On top of it all, even with my son's promotions & raises, he is somehow getting paid 100 less a month!!!!!! So they have been having financial problems, I don't even think my son knows this! My DIL just showed me the bank statements yesterday! She has been asking my parents for $ to pay the electricity (which got turned off at one point) & I won't go into the financial except they were doing great before they moved off base in FL when they lived on base in their last station. They had a awesome plan to have the car paid off, etc & now they have another baby, no food allowance, & are barely getting by. My DIL has always handled the finances & managed to save a substancial amount of money, which is now depleted & she is just now realizing his check is 100 less than it was before. My son was VERY embarassed when she asked for $ for the bills, twice. He has always let her handle the $, which she was AWESOME at, & never did anything except check to see how much $ they had before he spent any! So I am trying to be supportive, but I am as overwhelmed & scattered as she is now! I find myself disabled with no income raising a extremely active 2 1/2 yr old! Even though I am the MIL, I find myself with all the responsibilities & worries of a single Mom, with my son deployed & feeling bad because he isn't around to help! I apologize for the length of this, I feel I am having a long nervous breakdown (that keeps getting worse) since last Sept when she was undiagnosed with eclampsia, & I was afraid she would die! I just reached 97lbs! Have been trying to gain weight for a long time, since it was down to 82. I SO apologize for the length of this! ANY kind of advice, experience, ANYTHING would be greatly appreciated, I am trying to hold myself, my son, my DIL, all together, while raising my Grandbaby who has always called me by my first name, now it's Mom, Mommy, Mommy-Katie. Just so overwhelmed. I have so many personal issues I need to deal with, my health has suffered greatly while I have tried to be supportive of them, my Mom says DETACH, but I could not DETACH when I knew she could die, & I am EXTREMELY grateful that she made it through against all the horrific care she recieved, & that the baby is healthy, it's been a year & I am overwhelmed to the point I can barely think straight. Please forgive the long post. Any help would be greatly appreciated! Peace & love to everyone & their loved ones! K 

by on Oct. 3, 2012 at 1:50 AM
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Replies (1-10):
chrlstoncharmed
by Melissa on Oct. 3, 2012 at 2:10 AM
2 moms liked this
Words! Words everywhere!
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sailorwifenmom
by on Oct. 3, 2012 at 2:18 AM
It sounds like there is a lot going on. Taking it a bit at a time --

The money (this is an easy one) - when he deploys, they will not get has (the food allowance) because that is not for the families, that is only for the AD member (yes, I know it all goes into one food budget, but this is how it works...). When he deploys, they (the Navy) are now feeding him, so they won't give him money for groceries at the same time.

He should be getting Family Sep once he us gone for 30 days straight, which will offset that. (Also, depending on the circumstances of their move, their Bah could have gone down.) As far as his promotion, he can be frocked as a Petty Officer for up to 6 months before he is actually paid for it, so it's not good to count on that right away.

She really needs to go to the Fleet and Family services or to Navy Marine Corp Relief and ask them about helping her with her budget. If she is depressed and "self medicating" she is probably making very unwise money choices.

As far as the medical issues, she would be smart to talk to a lawyer who deals with medical malpractice and see what they say.

She should look into counseling - it's free and available through Military One Source or she can go to the Chaplain (which is 100% confidential and you don't have to attend their - or any - church). Your son should also talk to the Chaplain on his ship - he or she can really help with all this!
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chrlstoncharmed
by Melissa on Oct. 3, 2012 at 2:24 AM
The base offers help and resources for all the issues you posted about.
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adrianna1043
by Adrianna on Oct. 3, 2012 at 2:35 AM
I feel bad for you, going through all that crap, but to me it sounds like your dil needs to get herself together before anything is going to get better.
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adoptivemomof1
by Mel on Oct. 3, 2012 at 12:13 PM

this... and I am sorry about everything you and your family are going through right now...

Quoting adrianna1043:

I feel bad for you, going through all that crap, but to me it sounds like your dil needs to get herself together before anything is going to get better.


adrianna1043
by Adrianna on Oct. 3, 2012 at 12:42 PM
What are you talking about my nephews? Or the daily screaming festival of little boys, running around the house like tornados?! Lol

Quoting adoptivemomof1:

this... and I am sorry about everything you and your family are going through right now...


Quoting adrianna1043:

I feel bad for you, going through all that crap, but to me it sounds like your dil needs to get herself together before anything is going to get better.


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angieo39
by on Oct. 3, 2012 at 12:45 PM
I am sorry for all you are going through.there are resources on the base..google your base and try adding family support groups...I will bet there will be. You are in my prayers
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adoptivemomof1
by Mel on Oct. 3, 2012 at 12:56 PM

lol! no, I meant the op....sorry for the confusion and your house sounds like mine- little tornadoes reeking haoc..I am cleaning up the aftermath of the linen closet now ;)

Quoting adrianna1043:

What are you talking about my nephews? Or the daily screaming festival of little boys, running around the house like tornados?! Lol

Quoting adoptivemomof1:

this... and I am sorry about everything you and your family are going through right now...


Quoting adrianna1043:

I feel bad for you, going through all that crap, but to me it sounds like your dil needs to get herself together before anything is going to get better.



chrlstoncharmed
by Melissa on Oct. 3, 2012 at 1:19 PM

I thought you had one daughter. 

Quoting adoptivemomof1:

lol! no, I meant the op....sorry for the confusion and your house sounds like mine- little tornadoes reeking haoc..I am cleaning up the aftermath of the linen closet now ;)

Quoting adrianna1043:

What are you talking about my nephews? Or the daily screaming festival of little boys, running around the house like tornados?! Lol


adoptivemomof1
by Mel on Oct. 3, 2012 at 1:50 PM

Yes, I have one daughter...her friend is over and I am watching both for a few days...the two of them together is more like a force of nature...both are very active :) so it is never boring....

Quoting chrlstoncharmed:

I thought you had one daughter. 

Quoting adoptivemomof1:

lol! no, I meant the op....sorry for the confusion and your house sounds like mine- little tornadoes reeking haoc..I am cleaning up the aftermath of the linen closet now ;)

Quoting adrianna1043:

What are you talking about my nephews? Or the daily screaming festival of little boys, running around the house like tornados?! Lol



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