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Military Families Military Families

Anyone else have problems when hubby returned from deployement?

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 33 Replies
So my husband and I have been on/off since 2004 and finally tied the knot in 2010. We got married and he had already recieved orders to be on unaccompanied orders to Okinawa for 2 yrs. We had tried several times to change his orders and extend his stay so I could be with him, but they kept denying it because of medical problems (I have MS) So we have spent the majority or our marriage thousands of mile apart. He recieved his orders for Cherry Point and got on base housing for us and our son. Since we have all been together things have just been....akward...We used to talk and play and have a good time, now it seems he is really withdrawn and he doesn't want to hang out with me. I grew up in a military family and witnessed the same thing between my parents every time my dad would come back from a deployement. They have always worked things out, but I don't know if my husband even wants things to work out for us. Before I moved here he agreed to see an on base councelor to help us communicate better, but now he insists it wont help him and he doesn't want to go. I am still concidering going so I can have somebody to talk to about what's going on. He has said he doesn't talk much to anybody and that's just how he is now, but he has a "friend" he met in Okinawa that he talks to on a regular basis, and yes she is a female, and also higher rank than him. I totally understand that they are friends and all, but it just kind of makes me feel...less important. He is still an excellent father, and is so helpful with our son, I just feel so left out of his world and I don't know what to do to make things better. I am hoping just being here, and ready to talk will be enough, but the lonliness is getting unbareable. Any suggestions?
Posted by Anonymous on Dec. 1, 2012 at 10:32 AM
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Replies (1-10):
ReadWriteLuv
by Silver Member on Dec. 1, 2012 at 12:06 PM

We have a little trouble after he comes home from a longer trip, because he is usually gone just long enough for my daughter and I to establish our own routine, just the two of us, and he has trouble integrating back in. I have more troubles while he is deployed though. Too much stress, not enough sleep, and too much time on your hands to think up problems that aren't really there all make for a bat shit crazy husband. Not to mention, they all sit around and talk and if one one the guys is having trouble with his wife/girlfriend then all of a sudden a group mentality takes hold and they all decide that all of the wives/girlfriends are screwing up at home and doing the same shit. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Dec. 1, 2012 at 12:50 PM
I figured the whole buddy thing was a part of it, since he has a friend living with us right now it doesn't help the situation much. I am just waiting it out hoping he will get back to "normal" if that's what we ever had. Hahaaa. I am just really glad the relationship with our son is doing well. Guess we'll see what the future brings, I will try to stay positive and keep going.
mlogsdon
by Mary on Dec. 1, 2012 at 1:10 PM
When my husband refused to see a counselor on his own, I asked him to go to marriage counseling with me. He finally agreed, we had a few sessions in between his training exercises, and it's helped. Both of us needed to learn better communication and coping skills, the old ways no longer worked.

We have a better skill set now to handle disagreements, and sharing our feelings. (Or, since he doesn't do that still, he listens better to me.) I kinda have to guess at what he feels, but I'm getting better at it.

It takes work. We realized that we don't "play" anymore, and we had to find things that we both enjoy, together. Not just existing in the same room doing separate things.

Good luck!
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chrlstoncharmed
by Melissa on Dec. 1, 2012 at 3:07 PM
2 moms liked this
The female "friend" has to go. She has replaced a big part of your role in your marriage and that is wrong.
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usmclife58
by Nikki on Dec. 1, 2012 at 5:11 PM
1 mom liked this

This was my thought as well. It is great that he has a friend he feels comfortable with, male or female, but that friend is NEVER to replace the role of a spouse. Once that happens, it has crossed the line.

Quoting chrlstoncharmed:

The female "friend" has to go. She has replaced a big part of your role in your marriage and that is wrong.


mlogsdon
by Mary on Dec. 1, 2012 at 6:07 PM
Agreed.

Quoting usmclife58:

This was my thought as well. It is great that he has a friend he feels comfortable with, male or female, but that friend is NEVER to replace the role of a spouse. Once that happens, it has crossed the line.

Quoting chrlstoncharmed:

The female "friend" has to go. She has replaced a big part of your role in your marriage and that is wrong.


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violinjewel
by Julia on Dec. 1, 2012 at 6:27 PM
This


Quoting mlogsdon:

Agreed.



Quoting usmclife58:

This was my thought as well. It is great that he has a friend he feels comfortable with, male or female, but that friend is NEVER to replace the role of a spouse. Once that happens, it has crossed the line.

Quoting chrlstoncharmed:

The female "friend" has to go. She has replaced a big part of your role in your marriage and that is wrong.



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SierraLynn
by Just Me on Dec. 1, 2012 at 6:42 PM
Yup.

Quoting usmclife58:

This was my thought as well. It is great that he has a friend he feels comfortable with, male or female, but that friend is NEVER to replace the role of a spouse. Once that happens, it has crossed the line.

Quoting chrlstoncharmed:

The female "friend" has to go. She has replaced a big part of your role in your marriage and that is wrong.


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Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Dec. 2, 2012 at 12:34 PM
I asked him to please stop talking to her, but he insists she is just a friend but I know they were invloved while he was out there. She is also friends with all of his male friends (including the guy living with us) it is driving me crazy just thinking about him talking about us, and our relationship with her. He is 29 and she is 19 too, I hate the fact that some woman can't find single guys they are more attracted to the ones with a ring on the finger.
violinjewel
by Julia on Dec. 2, 2012 at 12:37 PM
She's 19, and is a higher rank than him? That seems odd, not to discredit her any, but still. Plus, he's 29 with a family. What's he doing being good friends with a 19 year old? The whole situation seems off.


Quoting Anonymous:

I asked him to please stop talking to her, but he insists she is just a friend but I know they were invloved while he was out there. She is also friends with all of his male friends (including the guy living with us) it is driving me crazy just thinking about him talking about us, and our relationship with her. He is 29 and she is 19 too, I hate the fact that some woman can't find single guys they are more attracted to the ones with a ring on the finger.

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