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I spoke to dd's bio dad for the first time in over two years

A little back story, I got pregnant my senior year of high school. My bf and I were what seemed to be a match made in heaven. After I had our daughter I moved in with him and his parents. It was horrible, and he turned on me. I moved back home, THEN he broke up with me. I went into horrible depression. That was over 2 years ago.



Fast forward to today and I am happily over her Bio dad, remarried and life is good. Adrina (dd) doesn't know that my husband isn't her biological father. She has no clue who her Bio dad is and that's been fine with us. Now that my husband and I have been married for over a year, we have been talking about getting him to adopt Adrina. Her bio dad is not on the birth certificate and hasn't spoken to or seen Adrina since she first birthday. She will be four in May.



I had this urge to talk to her bio dad and bring up him giving up his rights (I honestly have no idea if he even has any, but if he does then we need to get that situated before my husband adopts adrina.) So I just get on Facebook and message her Bio dad and ask him to call me. Like I said we haven't spoken in over two years lol. Well he calls me and I just go ahead and get the point across. I ask him if he will give up his rights to Adrina so Shawn (my husband) can adopt her. I wasn't sure what I was expecting him to say.

He and I have a long conversation, he lost his step mother (who he has been living with since I had Adrina in 09) two months ago. He said it has really made him grow up and realize that he hasn't done things like he should have. He also told me that he wants to pay child support (I took him to court in 09 and he hasn't paid since October of 09) I told him I don't want his money. I haven't had it in like 3 years, and dh and I are just fine without it. But he insisted that he wants to pay, he told me to text him every month and say "child support " just to remind him. I told him I don't want him to feel like he he has to pay child support just to see Adrina. He said now that he has grown up he wants to see her. I said that my husband wouldn't go for it but I can talk to him about it.



We ended the conversation politely, he asked how Adrina was and I asked how he was doing, all that jazz. So when my husband gets home I'm going to talk to him and see how he feels about letting Adrina's Bio dad see her with our supervision.



I am really happy that I finally got the "giving up rights" conversation over, and pleased with the results.



Have any of you every had a similar situation?
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 3:03 PM
Replies (11-18):
darbyakeep45
by Darby on Dec. 4, 2012 at 6:12 AM

I agree here.  Good luck OP!

Quoting 101stwife:

 If he isn't on the birth certificate then he doesn't currently have rights. The only way he could get rights is for him to take you to court and have a DNA test. If he doesn't do that, then there is no reason you can't have your husband go ahead and adopt her.

I'm sorry, usually I am all for bioparents being in their child's life. However, this guy has not had anything to do with your child for 2 years. No financial support and no emotional bond. If he has grown up he would have made the effort to see his child, make sure his child was being taken care of and made sure that he was there to help do it. I bet that if you don't go out of the way to remind him about your child he won't contact you. Seriously...who needs to be reminded that he needs to make sure his child is being fed and clothed.

I would forget him, and move on. And would you honestly allow your child who has no clue who this guy is to just come and take her for a visit by himself?!


IamDB
by Member on Dec. 4, 2012 at 6:21 AM

Lol @ text him "child support" to remind him to pay. It's like asking my boss to text me "come to work" so I remember to show up! I mean, you get how ridiculous that sounds, right? Well, the ball's in his court now...hopefully he follows through.

besosfantasies
by on Dec. 4, 2012 at 8:59 AM

 He admitted paternity when they went to court for child support. Her dh cannot just adopt her.

Quoting 101stwife:

 If he isn't on the birth certificate then he doesn't currently have rights. The only way he could get rights is for him to take you to court and have a DNA test. If he doesn't do that, then there is no reason you can't have your husband go ahead and adopt her.

I'm sorry, usually I am all for bioparents being in their child's life. However, this guy has not had anything to do with your child for 2 years. No financial support and no emotional bond. If he has grown up he would have made the effort to see his child, make sure his child was being taken care of and made sure that he was there to help do it. I bet that if you don't go out of the way to remind him about your child he won't contact you. Seriously...who needs to be reminded that he needs to make sure his child is being fed and clothed.

I would forget him, and move on. And would you honestly allow your child who has no clue who this guy is to just come and take her for a visit by himself?!

 

101stwife
by on Dec. 6, 2012 at 8:20 PM

 I must have misread...I thought that she said he was not on the birth certificate:/ I know that child custody/visitation and support are different things. Has there ever been any visitation schedule? Has he ever had an emotional bond with the child? I know that after so long with no contact you can file to have his paternal rights terminated, if he has any. I would think that he does if he has paid child support.

I still would never let my child who has no idea who this man is keep them for any amount of time alone.

Quoting besosfantasies:

 He admitted paternity when they went to court for child support. Her dh cannot just adopt her.

Quoting 101stwife:

 If he isn't on the birth certificate then he doesn't currently have rights. The only way he could get rights is for him to take you to court and have a DNA test. If he doesn't do that, then there is no reason you can't have your husband go ahead and adopt her.

I'm sorry, usually I am all for bioparents being in their child's life. However, this guy has not had anything to do with your child for 2 years. No financial support and no emotional bond. If he has grown up he would have made the effort to see his child, make sure his child was being taken care of and made sure that he was there to help do it. I bet that if you don't go out of the way to remind him about your child he won't contact you. Seriously...who needs to be reminded that he needs to make sure his child is being fed and clothed.

I would forget him, and move on. And would you honestly allow your child who has no clue who this guy is to just come and take her for a visit by himself?!

 

 

DevilInPigtails
by on Dec. 6, 2012 at 8:45 PM

If you have to remind him to pay his child support then he hasn't grown up.  And I doubt he will keep anything up long cuase really 3 years and nadda.  THis is just the grief talking, give it a few months and I bet he will be gone agian.  So I would wiat and see how involved he gets first, then introduce him to her as her Father, it would be heart breaking for him to dissappear on her.  Not to mention the confusion of it all for her. 

Since you sued for support then he has rights, I bet.

sweetone44_2004
by on Dec. 7, 2012 at 2:19 PM
Bio dad is not on the birth certificate. There has never been a visitation schedule, he only saw her on her 1st birthday (which he also attempted to hit me.) No emotional bond with her whatsoever. I filed for child support in October of 2009. He paid for maybe 4 months, then quit. Its been over 3 years. I would never let him keep her alone either. I said with OUR supervision.


Quoting 101stwife:

 I must have misread...I thought that she said he was not on the birth certificate:/ I know that child custody/visitation and support are different things. Has there ever been any visitation schedule? Has he ever had an emotional bond with the child? I know that after so long with no contact you can file to have his paternal rights terminated, if he has any. I would think that he does if he has paid child support.


I still would never let my child who has no idea who this man is keep them for any amount of time alone.


Quoting besosfantasies:


 He admitted paternity when they went to court for child support. Her dh cannot just adopt her.


Quoting 101stwife:


 If he isn't on the birth certificate then he doesn't currently have rights. The only way he could get rights is for him to take you to court and have a DNA test. If he doesn't do that, then there is no reason you can't have your husband go ahead and adopt her.


I'm sorry, usually I am all for bioparents being in their child's life. However, this guy has not had anything to do with your child for 2 years. No financial support and no emotional bond. If he has grown up he would have made the effort to see his child, make sure his child was being taken care of and made sure that he was there to help do it. I bet that if you don't go out of the way to remind him about your child he won't contact you. Seriously...who needs to be reminded that he needs to make sure his child is being fed and clothed.


I would forget him, and move on. And would you honestly allow your child who has no clue who this guy is to just come and take her for a visit by himself?!


 


 


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Dec. 8, 2012 at 2:43 AM

 You first mistake was calling him. I wouldn't suggest talking to him again unless he calls you. Talk to a lawyer and see what your options are, that is the only way you are going to really find out what you can/can't do.

101stwife
by on Dec. 8, 2012 at 11:35 PM

 3 years with no contact is enough time to file to have his rights terminated. With your husband willing to adopt it should not be a problem.

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