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Need some advice...

Posted by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 2:22 PM
  • 6 Replies

A couple months ago I posted my situation on here and now it seems that it has gotten worse.  In my OP I wrote about my husband sending me a dear john email after 12 years of marriage.  This was a complete surprise and I aked him why.  He simply told me that he was not happy with me and hasn't been for the last 3 years.  Then I found out he said he wasn't happy for the last 9 years.  Then he said he has been lying to himself this whole time being married to me.  We have 3 kids together and one I have from a previous relationship.  Their ages are 1 1/2 years, 5 years, 8 years, and my oldest is 15 now.

My husband went overseas to Bahrain in May of last year and everything was great for 6 months, then we had some fights over financial issues then boom, he's done.  

I've tried to talk to him and asked him if we could work this out but he won't talk to me at all anymore.  He's made an arrangement that he will Skype only with the kids on Saturdays as if we are already divorced.  The last couple of times when I signed the kids onto skype during the timeframe he's stated (  Between 12-4) he has been offline, so he missed talking ot them last week.  Because of this he has gotten his family involved and told them I was keeping the kids from him!!!

I recently found out that he went to legal already so he has no intention of even trying to make things work. With his family egging him on, I'm sure they are giving him divorce advice. 

I feel helpless.  We hardly ever fought when he was here and to think that our marriage after all of this time isn't worth the thought of even TRYING to save to him breaks my heart even further.  I try to look back to find any warning signs, any writing on the wall that I missed or simply ignored but I can't find anything that I can think of.  As far as I knew and was told BY HIM we were happy.   I was his world up until 3 months ago.  He swore he wasn't cheating but now I'm not so sure.  I don't know what to believe anymore because if he could lie to himself being married for 12 years, why wouldn't he lie about cheating?

Sorry this is so long.  No one to talk to or no one to vent to personally.  Any advice is welcome.  Thanks.


by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 2:22 PM
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Replies (1-6):
Tia_B
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 3:30 PM

I just want to say I am so sorry you are going through this. I dont really have any advice, but I can imagine how frustrating and heartbreaking your situation is.  My thoughts are with you and I hope you find happiness. 

AnAnxiousHeart
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 3:34 PM
At this point you need to just stop trying. It is over so you need to focus on what you need to do. File for custody and separation and start making up a game plan. I am sure it is hard and maybe some counseling will help you find closure but if this is his second time doing this then you will never fix it.
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jas_momof2
by アニメの雌犬 on Jan. 14, 2013 at 4:13 PM
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Is the child from the previous relationship his or yours?  If it's his and he has an ex, I'm wondering if it's just "him".  Some people just can't stay in a relationship...  as much as it hurts, I would do what I could for self preservation at this point.  Contact a lawyer, find out your rights and find a counselor to help you deal with his whole attitude.


Simfan
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 6:11 PM

No I am his first wife.  This is both our first marriage.  My son is from a previous relationship I had before I met my husband.  It just seems like he scared to talk through the issues or scared to even face me on Skype because he knows what he is doing is wrong.  I sent him and email earlier.  I told him that if he was so unhappy why he waited so long to say anything and on top of that why wait until your in a completley different country to decide to do it.  It's all so shady and unfair.  I've been here.  I have not been somewhere else, I've been here.  I'm not an intimidating person, I'm not a violent person.  What good reason could he possibly have speaking up?  I asked him and he had no good reason at all. Nothing.  He's just not happy.

It's just hurtful, disrespectful, and unfair.  He wants out, he's not happy SAY SOMETHING while your here. Handling things the way he has is something I would never done to him out of respect for him as a husband and father of my children.

cholita1978
by Member on Jan. 14, 2013 at 7:49 PM
I remember your other post, what about the bills you said he wasn't sending money or putting it in the account in order for you to take care of them? Obviously he is done, it's time to take care of yourself and your kids. I know it's hard, I've been there, don't let him take advantage mama, good luck

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ReadWriteLuv
by Silver Member on Jan. 14, 2013 at 11:29 PM

My parents were married for 28 years before my Dad finally got the balls to tell my Mom that he had been lying to himself, was miserable, and never loved her. If you would have asked my Mom at any point over the 28 years if she thought he was completely unhappy and he wanted to leave she would have adamantly said "NO". From the outside looking in though, my siblings and even my friends could all see my Dad didn't want to be married to her. I think sometimes you can't see things clearly if you are involved. 

It is disrespectful and hurtful and completely unfair, but unfortunately, that is life. It is a cowardly way out to just ignore you and not speak to you, but once again, that's life. My Dad left my Mom divorce papers and a note on her computer, rather than face her to tell her how he felt. I think lots of men take the easy way out. 

I'm really sorry for what is happening to you and your family. You have every right to grieve and mourn and be angry with him, but I think you have to accept now that this is what is happening, and deal with it. If you keep pressing him for answers and why's it's not going to make you feel any better. People always think it will, but it won't.

Quoting Simfan:

No I am his first wife.  This is both our first marriage.  My son is from a previous relationship I had before I met my husband.  It just seems like he scared to talk through the issues or scared to even face me on Skype because he knows what he is doing is wrong.  I sent him and email earlier.  I told him that if he was so unhappy why he waited so long to say anything and on top of that why wait until your in a completley different country to decide to do it.  It's all so shady and unfair.  I've been here.  I have not been somewhere else, I've been here.  I'm not an intimidating person, I'm not a violent person.  What good reason could he possibly have speaking up?  I asked him and he had no good reason at all. Nothing.  He's just not happy.

It's just hurtful, disrespectful, and unfair.  He wants out, he's not happy SAY SOMETHING while your here. Handling things the way he has is something I would never done to him out of respect for him as a husband and father of my children.


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