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OT: porn in your marriage

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 101 Replies

First off, I didn't know where else to post this...but hopefully I can get some advice because *maybe* someone has gone through it. Secondly, I'm posting anon because I am totally embarassed to be writing this. I don't know ANY of you in real life, but knowing we all move around, it is possible I may walk past you one day at the commissary lol so I'm not taking any chances. 

DH ws in Korea for 2 years, and recently came back. While he was gone, I was pregnant(got pregnant while he was home on leave) and I basically had no desire to be sexual at all because I was so sick. So, needless to say, he watched a lot of porn during that time. And that time was near the end of his time there. Totally fine with me, because I would rather him do that than go get satisfied with some random. 

Fast forward to now. He has been home for 3 months. We consistently have sex a minimum of 4 times a week, except for my period week. 

So, I was on his computer trying to find a site he had told me to look on, and I couldn't remember the name. I click on the history to find it, and I see all kinds of porn. Like a massive amount being watched. And his porn watching is pretty much daily. It's in the morning when he comes home from PT(I am still sleeping and he is in the office), at night when I'm away visiting family...pretty much any time I am not at home. 

I guess I can't figure out why he needs to watch so much porn when he's having sex with me and getting oral sex from me all the time...so I asked him, and he said he didn't know. Well, okay then. 

Now tonight, I tell him that I've been having a difficult time feeling connected with him the past 3 times we've had sex. I tell him that I think it's because I know how much porn he is watching, and I am feeling like I'm not satisfying him. He got mad at me because he said it's a habit. He did it for two years and how dare I just expect him to stop. 

Well, you didn't JUST get home. You got home 3, almost 4 months ago. And why would you feel the need to do it? 

So...I guess I don't really know what my exact question is for you ladies. I listen to Cosmo Radio on SiriusXM, and Dr Jenn always says that if you have a healthy sex life, that it involves porn. I just don't really believe that. Porn watching together, yeah. But not alone, hiding away. I just don't see why you would need it if your spouse is filling your sexual needs. 

Any advice? Should I drop it? Should I confront him again? Is there something wrong with the way I am thinking? I am totally open to suggestions. 

Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 9, 2013 at 12:59 AM
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Replies (1-10):
asaffell
by Ashley on Apr. 9, 2013 at 1:40 AM

I can't tell you what to do for your marriage. I just know that my husband's porn never keeps him from wanting me. It isn't the same, and I understand that so it doesn't bother me at all. You two might need to figure it out and find a way to compromise.

darbyakeep45
by Darby on Apr. 9, 2013 at 8:01 AM
3 moms liked this

I have a healthy sex life with my husband and it certainly doesn't involve porn...don't agree with that statement by Dr. Jenn...whoever the heck that is.

I can't tell you what to do in YOUR marriage.  We're all different and that's what makes us unique.  I would just make sure you share your feelings with your husband and tell him it really hurts your feelings and bothers you that he continues to watch porn.  Out of respect for you, maybe he will stop.

I wish you the best mama!

4ever-SJ
by Gold Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 8:24 AM
4 moms liked this
I've watched porn when he's gone. I didn't always, but I understand how it works now. It's about achieving release. It has nothing to do with your partner. It's just a quick tool.

People need to remove the moral element from porn.
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SlapItHigh
by Gold Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 9:07 AM
2 moms liked this

There's no time when a man needs to watch porn. You need to start there. Don't let those fool you into thinking there's no harm on it. Being "fine" with it when you are not around leaves little logic left for him to avoid it when you are having sex too.  Learn why it's wrong, teach your husband and then get it out of your joint life forever. 

ReadWriteLuv
by Silver Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 9:11 AM
4 moms liked this

I don't have a problem with porn and to be honest I kind of scoff at women who do, because if you are still having sex regularly, your husband still wants you and there is no reason to worry. Most women I come across that are still having lots of sex, but have husbands who are still watching porn, are only against it because they are insecure and view it as a blow to their self esteem.

SlapItHigh
by Gold Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 9:13 AM
7 moms liked this

Our society is so screwed. Now it's a woman's insecurity that's the problem with porn?  Remove morality from the equation...as if that's even possible?  Wake up women!

jas_momof2
by アニメの雌犬 on Apr. 9, 2013 at 9:16 AM

Yup - this...  

Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

I don't have a problem with porn and to be honest I kind of scoff at women who do, because if you are still having sex regularly, your husband still wants you and there is no reason to worry. Most women I come across that are still having lots of sex, but have husbands who are still watching porn, are only against it because they are insecure and view it as a blow to their self esteem.



Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Apr. 9, 2013 at 9:27 AM
2 moms liked this
If it hurts you then he shouldn't do it. I am a talker. I like when men talk me how thst want me and hoe they feel. sex talk pretty much. it gets me off. its just talking right? I never see this person. I don't care to. because its about hearing. just like men are visual, I am emotional. so... I told my husband if its.ok for him to watch porn, then it should be ok if I seek emotional satisfaction since he is not there to meet my needs. of course he didn't like the sound of that and would probably feel as if I had cheated on him. you don't need it to masturbate. its all about fantasy. why get married if u are not satisfied with what u have? Why should I be ok with him sexually wanting other women. I may not.look the best, no women is.perfect. but most.likely men aren't in touch emotionally with.our needs either. if we were to seek emotional satisfaction... even though we love our husbands and want turn.... it wouldn't be.ok. unless its ok with both spouses and there is a mutual understatement, then its ok. but if someone is getting hurt, then its not ok. my husband chose porn over me and it almost ruined our marriage. some may not see the harm... but I have been physically cheated on and I can say the porn hurt much much more. I love my husband dearly.... but if porn us going to be an issue and he can't stop watching it or feels as if I'm being overly sensitive... then I would end our marriage. I think my feelings and our relationship should mean more and it shouldn't be an issue. porn addiction is real and it has ruined marriages. it shouldn't be taken lightly it its causing problems.
Mrs.Brugger
by Tiara on Apr. 9, 2013 at 9:33 AM
1 mom liked this

It's allowed in my marriage. DH is gone a lot, and we use it as another mom said, as a 'quick tool' and for release. It has nothing to do with each other, besides the fact that he isn't available to help me, and I'm not available to help him. When he is home, it's not encouraged (one night he said he didn't want to wake up his very pregnant wife to be all sweaty on her lol, I told him, "umm. I like sex too."), but I don't get mad about it.

Be firm with how YOU feel about it, though. Listen to his reasons. Talk about it without fighting or getting upset. Then try to come to some sort of compromise.

sahmw2010
by Beth on Apr. 9, 2013 at 9:35 AM
1 mom liked this

 its not affecting your sex life so i really dont see the problem. my hubby watches porn everytime he takes a shower, ive walked in on him doing it. i just laugh and shake my head. our sex life is great. I think the only time you should have issues with it, is if it is affecting your sex life. i know it is now because you know about it, but aside from your knowledge, its not affecting it. try watching some with him? can learn some new moves and spice up your sex life even more. but i do know some people have an addiction to it just like any drug, and there are support groups for it, but just like anything else, that has to be his choice, not yours.

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