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Is it standard to lose custody when you join the Army?

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 18 Replies

Hello,

Please, help. I don't know what to do for my daughter. She joined the Army which he orginally was going to, but accidently hurt himself, so she joined because she was trying to do what is best for her family, went to Germany which her husband refused to go to, she deployed to Aftghanistan and finally came back to find that her husband has all the power of when she sees her son and the courts are agreeing with him because their son has stayed with him while she was gone.

They were not a strong couple when she left and getting a divorce now. He wanted to get back with her which she has not interest in and he is furious and hurting her through their son. I thought of him as a good parent (but now he is not on my good parent list) and she is a good Mom.

She safely came back from Afghanastan with the first 10 days off. She hasn't seen her son for over a year. He allowed her to see him 3 days out of 10. He lives 7 blocks away so it's not like it would be a transportation problem.

He wants his Sister to continue watching him, which my daughter pays 75% of he is supposed to pay the rest which I doubt he is. He just got in Kindergarten in a School close to his Sister so she can continue to watch him and get paid. The district that he is going to is higher rate than the one close by, but it is only a half day Kindergarden and the one close to her house is  full day and the Daycare she found close by is a home Daycare, the owner has a B.A. and one of the main people who train other Daycare owners with the State. If he went to that Daycare one Parent could drop him off and the other woud pick him up. The courts
agreed with him because it is a better district and by the time they finally were able to get to School, School just started and he went 3 days so they didn't want to change anything for him.  

She is going to go back to court for another temp. parenting plan which according to her lawyer doesn't seem like it wil accomplish anything positive. His lawyer said that they will settle for every other weekend and a couple hours on one day during the week and also wrote that he wont go after her retirment if she agrees to sign papererwork s he can get a passport to see the Dad's Dad which has been in jail for over 10 years because he was drug dealer and illegal in the Us then went to Mexico for several years which is where he wants to take their son. She has paid a huge amount to her Lawyer and can't afford to get another Lawyer and says the Parent Advocacy for the Military is for people in the opposite situation not for her.

I don't know what to do for her except be their for her and would like to do more, I just don't know what, I can't afford a better different lawyer for her either and with only 2 more court dates I think it might be to late.

She could end up getting deployed again and not make it back. She could of seen her son everyday, but her Dad was so furious with her and doesn't think their son really needs his Mom, but they do need her Money.

Do you have any suggestions on what to do?

Posted by Anonymous on Sep. 29, 2013 at 3:25 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Sep. 29, 2013 at 3:30 PM
I wouldn't say standard, but they do tend to place the child with the most "stable" environment. She needs a good lawyer and don't let her settle with anything unless she is 100% comfortable.
Mrs.Brugger
by Tiara on Sep. 29, 2013 at 3:38 PM
1 mom liked this

wait. so he wants to bribe her with her retirement so he can take their son to MEXICO?? That would NOT make me comfortable at all. The military lifestyle is considered very unstable (for example, she went to Germany, then she went to AFGH, now she's back, so IF her son had left the US to go the G, and then come back to the US for her deployment and then she came back and he would have to get into another schedule and more moving, and even just the possible moving every couple years between bases, it's all very unstable) and therefore, courts are more likely to agree on the side of stability (the dad, not moving, no chance of being deployed, he's already got a routine and schedule in place...). It does suck, and while I was on the butt end of that, I did understand it. 

For the current situation, all she can do is come up with a plan, which it sounds like she has. Have a daycare/sitter, a school, provide insurance info and doctors she would use (or if she can keep the same doctors and it would fit with her insurance). To show that she is capable and willing and prepared to take her son. Unfortunately, since there's already a decision made, it's unlikely they will reverse it to give her custody and the dad visitation unless they have a really good reason.

The going to Mexico part makes me a little nervous. IDK the guy at all so he could very well be a great guy and wouldn't ever screw her over, but I would be terrified he'd take my kid over the border and not bring him back. If it was for a quick vacation, maybe, but he's got family ties down there, and that makes me very wary. 

chrlstoncharmed
by Melissa on Sep. 29, 2013 at 4:01 PM
He's trying to make a deal with her retirement pay? How long have they been married?
Mrs.Brugger
by Tiara on Sep. 29, 2013 at 4:17 PM

right? it sounds really sketchy.

Quoting chrlstoncharmed:

He's trying to make a deal with her retirement pay? How long have they been married?


Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Sep. 29, 2013 at 4:24 PM

They have only been married for 3 years. Which I don't think is enough time to even touch her retirement.
They also, want her to sign something that is she gets married or moves in with someone then he can take more money for support. It all seems to be some sort of ploy, I just don't know what it is. Maybe, he is running out of money for a lawyer and trying to make her settle before court dates.

Mrs.Brugger
by Tiara on Sep. 29, 2013 at 4:35 PM

i didn't think the income of everyone in the household has to do anything with child support, but I can't be sure. Certainly doesn't sound right, I thought it was based solely on HER income...? (but i've never gone through child support anything so I don't know...)

Quoting Anonymous:

They have only been married for 3 years. Which I don't think is enough time to even touch her retirement.
They also, want her to sign something that is she gets married or moves in with someone then he can take more money for support. It all seems to be some sort of ploy, I just don't know what it is. Maybe, he is running out of money for a lawyer and trying to make her settle before court dates.


chrlstoncharmed
by Melissa on Sep. 29, 2013 at 4:42 PM
Right. I know it depends on the state - for example, here in Texas you have to be married for 10 years in order to get a portion of retirement - but I don't think he's entitled to shit in ANY state if they've only been married for 3 years. This douche is bluffing her. He won't get more money for support regardless of circumstances. There is a formula that is used to calculate support and that is all she would be obligated to pay. Also, depending on the state and the type of custody arrangement, he may be SOL. For example, in the state I divorced in, and because I have joint (but non-primary) custody, my ex would actually have to pay ME child support because he earns more than I do.

Quoting Anonymous:

They have only been married for 3 years. Which I don't think is enough time to even touch her retirement.
They also, want her to sign something that is she gets married or moves in with someone then he can take more money for support. It all seems to be some sort of ploy, I just don't know what it is. Maybe, he is running out of money for a lawyer and trying to make her settle before court dates.

Soniam301
by Sonia on Sep. 29, 2013 at 5:28 PM
Sounds like she needs a new attorney that will work for her...
Tigger0421
by Member on Sep. 29, 2013 at 7:14 PM
The courts will side with the parent they feel is more stable which in this situation is the dad. Courts feel military life is very unstable and usually will award custody to the parent the child has been with the longest. I was at the other end of this battle. DH is military but my ex is not the only reason I was granted custody was bc my daughter had spent the most time with me and my hubby not ex. Most states do want parents to agree on joint custody with her being so close right now should be easy. To apeal any custody agreement is very hard and very expensive. Some attorneys will take monthly payments if she explains she is military. She is a great mom for getting a career that can support her son. I hope her ex will get off his high horse and do what is right for their son. For retirement most states require being married at least 8 yrs so he gets nothing for only 3yrs. Child support is only based on her income not the whole household. My child support is based on my income not my dh and mine together. Will he maybe agree to mediation at all?
darbyakeep45
by Darby on Sep. 29, 2013 at 7:32 PM
1 mom liked this

Yep...she needs a good attorney.

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