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Deployment and Marriage trouble

Posted by Anonymous
  • 8 Replies

Hi guys,

I am new here and just seeking out advice. I have neve had to go through something like this before. Thi sis the first deployment and the first real issue we have had in our almost 5 years of marriage. My husband I love him first off he has been deployed since October. I was cautiously told about the amount of men that cheated on deployment but since this has never been an issue for us and he is in his 30s and has 2 kids and one on the way I simply did not think I had anything to worry about with him. However, I for some reason felt like he did not call me as often as he was or would tell me that he did not have good internet signal. So, I cheked his facebook and to my surprise I found a conversation he had going with one of the USO volunteers. He and she were both flirtatious. So , I posted to both of them from there and told him that he needed to call me now. He was so scared he called me from the range! She was so overapologetic saying that she had no interest in my husband that way and that she is sorry if it came across any different and she would sever any communication they had. He told me he loved me and his kids and wanted to be with me because he loved me and he was just stupid and it won't happen again and he is not volunteering anymore. etc. He says he wa just lonely and she needed a friend and that the conversation went somewhere it shouldn't have and they actually hung out together at the USO. I don't know what to believe anymore. I know my husband wouldn't ohysically do anything but I am so afraid. There is 8 months left of the deployment and I don't want to babysit or be a controlling wife. If I amean all the time what if I oush him away? I have been logged on all day and night on skype and fb and make myself readily available to him all the time when he calls I don't know where I am messing up here? Am I nieve to think they won't keep talking I don't know. i just heartbroken. What makes it worse is he is supposedly winning me back and he hasn't even wrote me or called me or anything in the last 24 hours! 

update: appearently the power went ot and he fell asleep waiting for it to come back up. We had a 3 and a half hour skype session today he wrote to me on fb as soon as he saw me on and we started talking and then proceeded to tlaking. For the first time in a bit we actually had a conversation that didn't involve financesor just checking in and we had a true heart to heart. Since there was no real arguing goin on I told him that the ony way for us to truly put it behind us is for him to just be honest 100%. So he was he told me that they started talking while she was at the USO and she had been attacked and needed to be escorted around so he felt bad and started talking to her. The problem was in trying to be a friend he started complimenting her and flirting. He didn't deny it and said it wrong and stupid on his part and that it would not happen again. But I think something wonderful happened because we talked about it, us and our relationship. In this we both noticed that we were so overwhelmed with the kids the military deployment and school from both of us that our conversations were not that pleasant and we were not spending any time alone. He told me that he thought that is what we needed. The best part of it is that I really believe him he opened up to me and really told me how he felt and that he loved me and that I always had and always will have his heart. He wants to work on us and we both want to make us a priority even overseas. We came up with creative ways to date and such and I think this will make a big difference. I also told him that I want to be his friend and that when he feels lonely I am here for him, always. We cried, laughed, smiled, flirted, planned. I hink this is good, although he is not completely off the hook, he is not allowed to volunteer until she leaves which he told me is in a month because she is national guard. So thank God.

Posted by Anonymous on Nov. 22, 2013 at 11:31 AM
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by on Nov. 22, 2013 at 11:51 AM
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I am sorry you are going through this.  It adds a level of stress to a deployment that no one wants or needs.  My experiences... I was on active duty (Navy) for 24 years.  In that time, I did two overseas tours, four long deployments and too many short deplyments to count.  I saw a number of men and women who held their relationship vows sacred, but sadly, i also saw a number of both men and women who did not.  Some were "hooking up" as soon as the ship or plane left.  On a slightly more positive note, very few of these deployment romances were kept up once they returned home to their loving waiting spouses... As a division chief, I also had more than my share of sailors who were heartbroken and unable to function when they found out that thier wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/fiance back home was messing around...

So the reality is, some cheat and keep it what it is- a short term deployment affair, some cheat and leave their spouses, and some never do cheat.  Personally, I have seen very few who flirt but don't cheat... so your husband needs to decide what is more important- his wife and kids, or some bimbo who thought so little of his relationship that she cheated with a married man.  If he was that committed to you, it never would have progressed beyond, "Good morning... coffee is awful today... hey, did I show you the awesome picture I just got of my baby girl?"

As for the "poor internet connection/phone lines tied up" excuses, well, that may well be true... we would go for days at a time without being able to get a phone or internet signal... but if he is getting on facebook and putting his personal shit out there, he WANTED you to see it.  Your post should have some sort of deployed spouse support group... they may even have a counsellor you can talk to to help you work through this.

by Darby on Nov. 22, 2013 at 12:05 PM

Hugs mama...I know that can't be easy.  

by Silver Member on Nov. 22, 2013 at 12:08 PM

I am so sorry you are having to deal with that.  Good for you for confronting them both as soon as you discovered it, that had to take a lot of courage.  I can't offer any advice, but STVUstudent had some really good information for you that you can choose how you want to handle it.

by Melissa on Nov. 22, 2013 at 12:17 PM
3 moms liked this

You need to get into a frame of mind that will preserve your sanity while he's gone for the next 8 months. Perhaps decide for yourself that you can't control what he does over there. He is either a man of integrity who cherishes his family and career or he isn't. His decision.

You need to have a solid course of action, though, in any event. If he is unfaithful, you are holding all the cards, so know in advance what you want to do if you have to confront this issue. If he remains committed, there is still work that has to be done to repair the damage that has already taken place (obviously, you are going to have some trust issues) so map out that plan as well.

by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Nov. 22, 2013 at 6:11 PM


by on Nov. 22, 2013 at 7:21 PM
Glad you guys are working things out.
by Bronze Member on Jan. 12, 2014 at 11:24 AM
Good luck! Hopefully he will do right by you.
by on Jan. 12, 2014 at 1:32 PM

wow. . that was pretty inappropriate of him.  Sorry you had to deal with that!

Glad it seems to be oK now and that you think he's being completely honest.  You're the one that probably knows him teh best, so I'd go with your instincts. 

I hpe it continues to get better~!

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