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Military Families Military Families

could this happen?

Posted by on Jan. 12, 2014 at 9:27 AM
  • 43 Replies

I need some advice. My boyfriend asked me to marry him. Said yes. Was going to do it in July but his unit is deploying so doing it Feb 15. Anyway, hes a bit younger then me and no kids. 
The commander for his unit told him he better not b/c of the age gap and then implied I was only wanting to marry him for military benefits. The commander said he was gonna personally stop it. IDK how or if he can. I dont want J to be in trouble and/or be harassed about it. 
They dont even know me and say Im bad for him. Were going to be living on base and if the entire unit doesnt go Im slightly worried that my son or I will be harassed. 
J has been calming me down when I start to think maybe hes gonna listen to those guys. I trust his word and that he wants to marry me very badly, but I cant get the sick feeling out of my stomach.
So basically can the commander stop it from happening?

He asked me out of the blue and surprised me. I never have brought it up with him, so its not like I put pressure on like some folks do.

by on Jan. 12, 2014 at 9:27 AM
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Replies (1-10):
AnAnxiousHeart
by Silver Member on Jan. 12, 2014 at 9:40 AM
3 moms liked this
Um no. But that sounds very sketchy
mrsary
by Bronze Member on Jan. 12, 2014 at 9:44 AM
His Commander can't stop him. It is actually not right what the Commander is doing. Go talk to the Commander yourself and see what's going on. He is way too deep with J.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Jan. 12, 2014 at 10:19 AM
5 moms liked this

He can't stop him.  But I've seen young military folks get married for all the wrong reasons, Iand I've seen firsthand women who take advantage.   I AM NOT IMPLYING THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE DOING. 

Just understand his supervison's viewpoint.  He's probably been around the block a few times.  For every young couple that gets married, a GROSS MAJORITY end up divorced due to a bad situation. 

When I was in school, there were women who knew the specific job patches and ranks and KNEW how much those guys made and if they would make rank fast and get any bonuses.  They'd literally hang outside the gates of the military base. 

Maybe this guy who is trying to "stop" this wedding had his own bad experience when young, or maybe he's seen this type of behavior one too many times. 

Perhaps if there were a way for you two to meet, he might get over his prejiduces. .

I doubt you will be harassed after being married and moving into housing.  That's completely inappropriate and in all likelihood you wouldn't be living near ONLY people from his command, anyway. 

Good luck, and I hope the situation works out for you. 

In my opinion?  The CIVILIAN divorce rate is over 50%.  Military divorce rate is higher than that.  IMO Marriage is not something to be rushed or taken lightly.  It is for life.  I don't think it's a good choice to "rush" a wedding so it's done before a deployment.  If anything, it would be better to wait until AFTER deployment so you know if you can really handle the lifestyle or not. 

DH had a friend who was with his girlfriend FOREVER.  They were at a command that had short deployments spaced far apart.  Then they went to shore duty.  THEN he went to an actual "normal" deployment schedule.  She wrote him two weeks in and said she was done, couldn't deal wit the life, deployments were kicking her butt. 

She wasn't a drama queen, she wasn't a bad person, she just could absolutely not handle it.  They would have ended up contributing to the staggeringly high statistic of military divorce if they had rushed things.  KWIM?

ReadWriteLuv
by Silver Member on Jan. 12, 2014 at 10:25 AM
2 moms liked this

If he is younger than you, significantly, (and especially if he is under 21), and you are a single mother, (particularly if you have more than one child), then I'm sorry to break this to you, but I suspect everyone in his command is strongly suggesting that he not marry you, and that he doesn't know what he is doing.

Sorry, you wanted honest truth. It's nothing personal, it's just that too many young people get into sketchy situations like this with scandalous women. I'm not implying that you are one, but from the outside, to these people that don't know you, they will always assume the worst.

3xangel
by Bronze Member on Jan. 12, 2014 at 10:30 AM
I've heard about it happening overseas with foreign women, but idk about stateside..

How long have you 2 been together? What's his rank? How old is he? How old are you? How many kids do you have? Depending on the answers to the questions above, I can see where his commander is coming from... Marrying for bah & soldiers marrying too quickly are common place and commanders are trying to cut down on people marrying for the wrong reason and marrying people they barely know.

Don't take it personal. I agree with the pp who suggest waiting until after the deployment to get married. Good luck.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Jan. 12, 2014 at 10:30 AM

I wanted to add that  civilian and military divorce rates are calculated differently.  THe miltary calculates their divorce rates according to how many servicemenbers start the year married and end the year divorced.  HOWEVER, if you calculate how the civilian side gets their "over 50 percent" lof all marriages statistic and do the same for the data provided for military families, it is close to 70% assuming the servicemember stays in for 20 years. 

There's a lot of variables, hence why military divorce rate can't really be calculated like the civilian rate can. 

Me personally?  I think that's a pretty accurate ballpark figure taking into account how long we have been a military family and the overall percentage of military couples we know who have had at least one divorce. 

Take full advantage of any marital support programs or counseling you have available at your fingertips!

adrianna1043
by Adrianna on Jan. 12, 2014 at 10:32 AM
What's the age difference, and how many kids do you have?
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DvlDogWfe
by Stella on Jan. 12, 2014 at 10:36 AM
I see that you have at least 3 kids? What is your ages? My guess is that your SO would not make enough to support you all once married. His command is probably thinking your SO just wants to get out of living in the barracks, among other obvious reasons. Do you both live in the same area?
ReadWriteLuv
by Silver Member on Jan. 12, 2014 at 10:42 AM


Quoting DvlDogWfe: I see that you have at least 3 kids? What is your ages? My guess is that your SO would not make enough to support you all once married. His command is probably thinking your SO just wants to get out of living in the barracks, among other obvious reasons. Do you both live in the same area?

Bingo! In addition to all of the heresay they may spew about what kind of person you are and your motivations, this is an actual, practical concern. 

MrsDavidB25
by Stacey on Jan. 12, 2014 at 10:57 AM
1 mom liked this

 How many children do you have? Your profile says 2, Stella saw you had 3, but in your OP you just mention 1 son. I am confused!

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