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Military Families Military Families

Impossible Choice

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 78 Replies

 

I have two weeks.  Two weeks to decide whether to give up physical custody of my 11 year old son or say goodbye to the love of my life.  I guess you could say I chose to be in this position so I asked for it.  Maybe you can't choose who you fall in love with but maybe you CAN choose whether or not you pursue that love, let that love grow.  I knew he was in the military when I met him, when I fell in love with him.  I knew he would be sent overseas when I let him move in with me..and my kids - but I knew we had some time and it felt so far away.  I guess I hoped something would happen and he wouldn't have to go.  Our love is so perfect, I couldn't imagine the stars not lining up for us, something higher not allowing us to be together.  So I followed my heart, made emotion decisions instead of logical ones, lived for the moment and didn't worry about the future - just trusted everything would work out.  He moved in, became part of our lives, developed bonds with my son.  Especially my oldest one who was 15 at the time and had lost his father when he was five.  He has lived with us for over a year now.  During that time, our love has grown even more, he loves my boys and they love him.  We love his daughter who is six and lives with her mother in Florida.  We built a family.  But also during that time, it became clear that nothing magical was going to happen to keep him here.  Training was completed and orders were handed down.  I could no longer deny that I would have to make a choice.  Follow the man I love or stay here with my youngest son, who is unable to go because his father is here.  A father he is very close to and spends a lot of time with.  The courts will not let me take him and he doesn't want to leave his dad.  He would move in with his dad and I would get him in the summers, holidays, and Spring Break.  I would also be able to visit him whenever I wish, although that would be difficult to do often because of the distance and travel cost.  The overseas tour would be for three years but there is no guarantee that he would be back here after (even though it's highly possible).  Coming back here after three years would not guarantee me physical custody of my son again either, he would most likely remain with his dad and I would have visitation or we would have a 50/50 arrangement.  Either way, my son would probably never live with me full time again.  Strangely, he says he is okay about all this and is actually excited about the idea of living with his father.  He said "mommy, I've been with you for a long time now, it's time for me to be with Daddy.  We can skype every day and I will see you all summer and Christmas and spring break."  I have to wonder how much an 11 year old can actually grasp though.  I don't think he realizes how things will be without me here.  I will also mention he has always been a mama's boy, although I guess he is at the age that he is bonding more with his dad.  My oldest son would go with me and attend one year at an international school before returning to the U.S. to go to college.  That would put me far away without either one of my boys for two years!  He has gone back and forth about going a few times now and at this point seems indifferent to going but I get the feeling lately he's in the "don ‘t want to go" mind set again.  I should mention I made the decision to go once already and we got engaged.  I thought I was at peace with everything.  But then 2 weeks before we were to get married, I suddenly starting having anxiety attacks when I thought about leaving my son.  We decided then to postpone the wedding and get through the holidays.  We began counseling to try to work through the issues I was having but nothing has really helped me find any answers.  At this point I am out of time.  We have to be married in order for me to go.  He is leaving in 8 weeks and my son would need to be registered in school by April 1 in order to attend in the fall.  If I go, we would move as soon as school is over in June.  If I don't go, we will probably not get married and just see how things turn out.  My fiancé has been very clear that he does not want a long distance relationship or marriage for three years.  Especially the first three years of our new life together.  We would only get to see each other a few times a year and we want to grow together, not apart.  I agree for the most part, I just feel like maybe we should at least try instead of giving up right away.  My heart is so heavy and every day is like a nightmare.  When I think about leaving my son, I feel panic inside, when I think about losing my fiancé, I feel completely depressed.  I am paralyzed but I have to move from this place I'm in and make a decision.  A decision I will have to live with for the rest of my life.   My friends and family have been very supportive and most of them think I should go.  Others not as close to me, have said they could never leave their child.  And honestly, I would have said the same thing years ago if I were on the outside looking at someone else's situation.  I now understand that it is so true that no one can judge or say exactly what they would do in someone's shoes unless they are truly in that situation.  If anyone has ever been through this or something similar, please reach out and let me know how things turned out for you.



Posted by Anonymous on Feb. 11, 2014 at 11:12 PM
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Replies (1-10):
jas_momof2
by アニメの雌犬 on Feb. 11, 2014 at 11:46 PM

My children are first and foremost - always, but I am not in your shoes.

momofkamnlela
by Bronze Member on Feb. 12, 2014 at 12:07 AM
2 moms liked this

I agree, my kids come first. In fact I spent the first few years of our marriage in the states while dh was in Germany, simply because I have a daughter from a previous relationship. I feel like if you all are meant to be, you will make it through the time apart and come out stronger. 


Side note, out of the first 4 years we only actually lived under the same roof for 12 months off and on. So long distance can be done. Its not easy by no means, but no marriage is and I just came to the conclusion its part of marrying the military. 

BellaRose17
by Bronze Member on Feb. 12, 2014 at 12:23 AM
4 moms liked this

My children come before anyone. In my opinion, it shouldn't even be a question.

& something stands out to me as a little alarming; You say: "My fiancé has been very clear that he does not want a long distance relationship or marriage for three years."

Now, I'm very new to military life, but I'm pretty sure "long distance relationship" is kind of part of the package....sometimes you are apart for long stretches of time. So, even if you did marry and go with him, chances are you'd have a long distance relationship at some point...Again, I'm new. I don't know much. I could be wrong...It just is weird that a servicemember would say that to someone they supposedly love and want to marry...

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Feb. 12, 2014 at 12:50 AM
Personally, I would choose my children. Every. Single. Time.
darbyakeep45
by Darby on Feb. 12, 2014 at 5:20 AM
1 mom liked this

My son comes first...always has and always will.  

SlapItHigh
by Platinum Member on Feb. 12, 2014 at 7:58 AM
Choose your son.
.oOMellyOo.
by Silver Member on Feb. 12, 2014 at 10:08 AM
1 mom liked this

My kids will always come first. I love my husband with all of my heart but if I had to choose its always my babies, there is no other choice for me.

ETA: DH and I were not together the first two years of our relationship. We "dated" for a year long distance visited over long weekends when we could, and the whole year we were engaged he was on a hardship tour. If he can't handle a long distance relationship, its because he doesn't want to.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Feb. 12, 2014 at 10:13 AM
2 moms liked this
So a little recap. Two kids. Two fathers. Live in boyfriend that won't marry you that you are choosing over your son.

WOW. JUST WOW.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Feb. 12, 2014 at 10:35 AM
Preach!

Quoting Anonymous: So a little recap. Two kids. Two fathers. Live in boyfriend that won't marry you that you are choosing over your son.



WOW. JUST WOW.
Elle.tea.22
by Bronze Member on Feb. 12, 2014 at 10:48 AM
2 moms liked this
You aren't married to this man, I say pick your child. You already have two kids from two different fathers. Now picking a man over your kids?

Quoting Anonymous: So a little recap. Two kids. Two fathers. Live in boyfriend that won't marry you that you are choosing over your son.



WOW. JUST WOW.
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