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Parenting Positive Kids Parenting Positive Kids

the blame game!

Posted by on Feb. 9, 2012 at 8:44 PM
  • 9 Replies

 how do you deal with the blame game at your house? you know, when you must give your child a consequence for their choices or behavior and they turn it on you and go into the "youre so mean! you just want me to be miserable! youre not fair!"

monday morning Tiara (8) wouldnt turn off the tv at 8am (she only gets tv in the morning, not at night, and only if she is dressed by 7:30am) - after telling her several times i turned it off and told her she was grounded tomorrow morning from tv and that my job is more important than a tv show and we must leave on time!

she went into the "youre so mean......" i again told her that my job is more important than tv and if she cant urn it off on time then it wont even be an option! more sass from her and i said "well you are grounded from tv tomorrow for not turning it off today, you are grounded from tv for the rest of the week for blaming me when you made a bad choice! you will learn that its YOUR choices that get you grounded and that blaming others will not be tolerated!

so yes she got a much bigger consequence for blaming me for her poor choice because i can not stand to be blamed all the time anymore!

what do you do when your child says "your mean" etc when they made a choice that gets them consequences?

 

ROBIN-C
MOM TO:
DREW (7/92) AND TIARA (7/26)
by on Feb. 9, 2012 at 8:44 PM
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Replies (1-9):
Albond86
by on Feb. 9, 2012 at 9:31 PM
I'm not sure we havn't gotten to that stage yet with my children. I have a little toddler and a baby on the way. So here's a bump and hopefully another mommy can offer you some good advice!
terri76
by on Feb. 9, 2012 at 9:48 PM

 Well i do what you did!!! My son is 15 now and we went through this almost every morning. Just keep up what your doing and she will eventually get the message that blaming you is not the way to go. I had to eventually take other things aways from my son as well. Like his dsi or going to a friends house

fallnangel3
by on Feb. 10, 2012 at 5:16 AM
1 mom liked this

My mother told me that if they don't say I hate you or you're mean at least once, you're not doing it right.  

We don't punish for our kids expressing how they are feeling at that moment (even if they say they hate us, we're mean, ect)  We want them to be able to express themselves to us, and anger/dislike is part of that.  I just tell them "Well I still love you" and leave it at that. 

By her actions she is obviously feeling that she is being treated unfairly.  Could you talk to her and see if maybe she would like to move her tv time to afternoon or evening so you don't have this conflict in the morning?  Have you asked her what exactly she feels is unfair? 

By 8 years old kids are seeing that there are differences between their homelife and that of their friends, so if one of her friends has unlimited tv time she may feel like you are being unfair compaired to her friends parents.  Have you explained your reasoning to her on limiting her to tv only in the morning?

I've found that rather than punishing my kids when they say those things that if I talk to them about it after they cool down I get a whole different perspective on the situation and it helps me become a better parent.

Meltopia529
by on Feb. 10, 2012 at 9:43 AM

 Im also not there yet. Hope you get some good advice as well

LuvingRN
by on Feb. 10, 2012 at 12:25 PM

To be honest, my kids have never blamed me or told me how mean I am....at least not to my face.  I completely agree with what you did :)

corkigurl
by on Feb. 10, 2012 at 1:52 PM
I have a toddler and a newborn so im not there yet but when my ds doesnt mind i put him in timeout (pack n play) and after hes in there for awhile i tell him to give me a hug and kiss to apologize and he does. Im not ready for when he can talk back...hee pretty strong willed now so im sure i'll have my hands full!
ROBIN-C
by on Feb. 10, 2012 at 7:57 PM

 she lost tv m-th evening because it was a constant battle to turn it off at bedtime. she had months and months of getting grounded for a night here and there and more warnings than she shouldve gotten. she had been warned numberour times that she was going to lose that priveledge for good yet it didnt affect her. so i removed that battle altogether m-th evenings. it first it was hard, but we just completed week 3 and she doesnt even mention it anymore! so yes she is very aware of why she doesnt get tv in the evenings.

i do explain why she cant have her way when it happens. she is in her 4th year of school and the rule has always been tv off at 8am! i have explained its so that i can get to work on time and provide for us!

to be honest she didnt gripe about it all week. i put a note on tv screen that said "no tv this week".

its just that she blames everyone else and its not just me. she doesnt think her actions impact how she gets treated. i need her to realise that when she breaks a rule, SHE is therefore chosing to get a consequence! that its HER fault. the rules and consequences are very clear so she knows whats coming if she doesnt mind, but still blames others.

 

 

soontobemommie3
by on Feb. 10, 2012 at 8:18 PM
Agree.

Quoting fallnangel3:

My mother told me that if they don't say I hate you or you're mean at least once, you're not doing it right.  

We don't punish for our kids expressing how they are feeling at that moment (even if they say they hate us, we're mean, ect)  We want them to be able to express themselves to us, and anger/dislike is part of that.  I just tell them "Well I still love you" and leave it at that. 

By her actions she is obviously feeling that she is being treated unfairly.  Could you talk to her and see if maybe she would like to move her tv time to afternoon or evening so you don't have this conflict in the morning?  Have you asked her what exactly she feels is unfair? 

By 8 years old kids are seeing that there are differences between their homelife and that of their friends, so if one of her friends has unlimited tv time she may feel like you are being unfair compaired to her friends parents.  Have you explained your reasoning to her on limiting her to tv only in the morning?

I've found that rather than punishing my kids when they say those things that if I talk to them about it after they cool down I get a whole different perspective on the situation and it helps me become a better parent.

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fallnangel3
by on Feb. 10, 2012 at 9:09 PM
If you are going to warn her of losing a privilage, the next time you need to follow through. It sounds as if you use to do a lot of threats, but not completely follow through. Now that you have actually followed through on your threats (after months and months) to her you are being mean since you are now actually doing what you say you are going to.

Quoting ROBIN-C:

 she lost tv m-th evening because it was a constant battle to turn it off at bedtime. she had months and months of getting grounded for a night here and there and more warnings than she shouldve gotten. she had been warned numberour times that she was going to lose that priveledge for good yet it didnt affect her. so i removed that battle altogether m-th evenings. it first it was hard, but we just completed week 3 and she doesnt even mention it anymore! so yes she is very aware of why she doesnt get tv in the evenings.


i do explain why she cant have her way when it happens. she is in her 4th year of school and the rule has always been tv off at 8am! i have explained its so that i can get to work on time and provide for us!


to be honest she didnt gripe about it all week. i put a note on tv screen that said "no tv this week".


its just that she blames everyone else and its not just me. she doesnt think her actions impact how she gets treated. i need her to realise that when she breaks a rule, SHE is therefore chosing to get a consequence! that its HER fault. the rules and consequences are very clear so she knows whats coming if she doesnt mind, but still blames others.


 


 

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