Influences from Others.....

[Crystal2985]

Hi all, I decided to post this problem in this particular group because, for the most part, she is a positive child. But sometimes, my 7 year old daughter is easily influenced, which I'm sure most are. The problem is, she's influenced by people who should be helping her grow. Let me explain....

Her father and I have never been together. I got pregnant at 19 and had this beautiful bundle of joy. He was abusive, and I admit I tried keeping him out of her life. After court visits, paternity tests, and a little self reflection and growth, I came around and he got visits and what not. It hasn't been the easiest 7 years, but lots of things have changed. I met an amazing man. We are expecting a child at the end of this month and plan on getting married. We moved in with him 2 years ago when my daughter was starting school.

All this probably sounds great!! The problem comes in with the fact that she started calling my boyfriend Dad. Her real father causes a huge stink. He tells his daughter its wrong and makes her feel awful. Then she comes home with an attitude towards us. We never asked her to call him dad, she picked it up on her own. Her father is in and out of jobs, is behind on his child support and goes weeks without calling her. But he makes us out to be the bad guys. I was thinking of counseling for my daughter, but I'm so confused. Should we be telling her not to call him dad?? He provides everything for her. We don't speak a word of bad about her father to her, and I'm sick of him filling her head with this. Her father went so far as to tell her how I tried to keep him away from her. I have tried talking to him, with no avail. Any advise??

[Shelley927]

if she lives with you and you are getting married then he needs to hush up and accept it...

[Kat3girls]

Im on the same boat my daughter is 8 And my husband is been with us since she Was 3, And this summer she Came back very upset about that exactly situation, We had a long talk about how she asked my husband to call him dad when she Was 5 And husband said she Already have one Well to make the long history short,I told her that wherever she feels is right, And she said that she loves my husband very much And is her dad besides anything that her biodad said. Just talk to her And explain her that is wrong for the parents or Any people to talk bad about someone we love, And that always trust her feelings. Good luck.

[propswife]

I did a needlepoint with a quote on it that sums this up, "Any man can be a father but it takes someone special to be a DADDY."  Growing up, my friends and I called each other's parents Mom and Dad because that was the way we felt about them and that was the way they related to us - as parents. 

It sounds as if your daughter's father is the one that needs the therapy.  Is it possible to make him go to counseling for child development as a condition of his visitation rights?  He needs to understand the problems he causing for his daughter right now and down the road because of his behaviour.

[meepsmom2006]

This is the best advice u need! Good luck to u sweety and very welll said LilyBeansMom!

Quoting LilyBeansMom:

I think if she feels that calling him Dad is right for her, then it is. I really like the fact that you have managed to never talk negatively to her about her bio-dad. That is healthiest for her and will serve you well in the long run. If you have tried to talk to him and she is clearly too young to understand if you were to try to explain things to her, then counseling sounds very smart. That way she has an objective 3rd party to confide in who can help her sort things out. I have a 7 year old daughter myself. I am betting she already understands more than you think and her attitude reflects her struggle to mesh both parts of her life. Good luck to you!

[jpalmer]

My 9 year old son is having this problem with his bio-father...his father showed up when my son turned 6 and a half and wanted to play super dad...the only man my son knew to be daddy was my dh because my dh was there from when my ds was six months old...now ds's bd is telling him not to call his daddy "daddy" because he's not his biological father...at first it really affected my son and made him very emotional...but with counceling and ALOT of talking to he has now just realized his daddy is his daddy and his bio-dad is a jerk whom he is forced to see every other week because of equal visitation per court order (some crap about equal fathers rights)...but like you i do not bad mouth my ex in front of my son...we do NOT need the negativity...

I would STRONGLY recomend talking with a theird party...it helped us ALOT!!!

Good luck momma!!!

(Sorry for spelling errors if there are any i'm mobile and on cold meds...lol)

[AngelaDD]

I made it clear with my ex that we will not stand in the way of my son when it comes to his relationnships he calls my husband either daddy james or daddy (almost always daddy) his dad did not like it and had my son start calling his gf mom it hurt me but I sat my son down and explained that he is the only one that can define his relationship and if he loves her like a mom I will not be hurt by that I will be happy that he feels so loved by two women and the same with his stepdad he can call him whatever...now the gf left and he came home and tld my husband tat I was leaving them because that's what mommy's do....after a long talk we agree that a child should not call bf and gfs mom only if they are married have been around and have made that commitment to the family and have fillled that role for my son should they get that title. My ex has done things like telling ds that sd is not his dad and it causes such confusion and a feeling of split loyalty and when that happens we sit down and talk it out and I talk to his dad and when he gets ds for visits he fixes it.

[kodabear]

I seriously think its up to her what she wants to call your fiance and her bio father. And she shouldnt feel guilty for her choices. To me calling some daddy or even mom for that fact can be a term of endearment. I understand everyone has a role BUT its up to the adult to except that role. I love my step dad. But i never got comfortable calling him dad but for all purposes he is my dad and my kids grandpa. I meet my bio dad when i was 12 and i called him by his first name. To me he is not a dad and he can be apart of my kids life if he were to make an effort BUT he will not be introduced as grandpa or any other terms of endearment because my kids have a grandpa. So basically my advice is let your daughter is do what is comfortable for her. One of these days she may want to call her bio dad , dad. Or she may not. Its what she feels is right.

[BlackRoseDragon]

I'm sorry but the title of dad is not bought or given, it is earned. Obviously your bf has earned the title of dad by being there for her. You have never spoke negatively about him in front of her and it is childish of him not to do the same. I called my mom "mom", my dad "dad" and at some points i would call my step-mom "mom".  My mom never had a problem with it and merely explained that it was my choice. It is not up to the parents to decide the role their children place them in. If he does not come to terms with the fact that she has two dads in her life whether biological or not and continues this childish behavior then he is not a good source of influence to be in her life. I would suggest counseling and unless he is willing to change his behavior supervised visits with him until he grows up. This kind of behavior can lead to more harm than good. The way you have described his behavior leads me to believe that he is trying to control her. That is the first step in abuse. You should know this. Be cautious and watch for changes. Otherwise it may be best to get a counselor for your daughter to speak to in order to straighten things out. Obviously her life has become to confusing for her to keep straight, with one person telling her one thing and two others trying to explain it.

[SOLOLMON98]

Be encouraged by the fact you are strengthened by God to raise your daughter with a man who loves her like his own. Reinforce this to her & don't let your ex's insecurity challenge the truth in your daughter's life..

[dfcinnamon]

Go ahead with the counseling for her.  Explain this to your ex-boyfriend that she started calling him Dad on her own.  Eventually he will just drop from her life and that will be a good thing.  She doesn't need to have a sleaze of a father.