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Parenting Positive Kids Parenting Positive Kids

Hi all, I decided to post this problem in this particular group because, for the most part, she is a positive child. But sometimes, my 7 year old daughter is easily influenced, which I'm sure most are. The problem is, she's influenced by people who should be helping her grow. Let me explain....

Her father and I have never been together. I got pregnant at 19 and had this beautiful bundle of joy. He was abusive, and I admit I tried keeping him out of her life. After court visits, paternity tests, and a little self reflection and growth, I came around and he got visits and what not. It hasn't been the easiest 7 years, but lots of things have changed. I met an amazing man. We are expecting a child at the end of this month and plan on getting married. We moved in with him 2 years ago when my daughter was starting school.

All this probably sounds great!! The problem comes in with the fact that she started calling my boyfriend Dad. Her real father causes a huge stink. He tells his daughter its wrong and makes her feel awful. Then she comes home with an attitude towards us. We never asked her to call him dad, she picked it up on her own. Her father is in and out of jobs, is behind on his child support and goes weeks without calling her. But he makes us out to be the bad guys. I was thinking of counseling for my daughter, but I'm so confused. Should we be telling her not to call him dad?? He provides everything for her. We don't speak a word of bad about her father to her, and I'm sick of him filling her head with this. Her father went so far as to tell her how I tried to keep him away from her. I have tried talking to him, with no avail. Any advise??

by on Aug. 18, 2012 at 8:55 AM
Replies (131-140):
burleymama
by on Aug. 21, 2012 at 12:11 PM
1 mom liked this

I know that our situation is pretty unique, but both the Dad figures live in the house with us.  My Ex SIL, and my current SIL. At first it was pretty awkward, then we had a "The Princess," she calls #1 "Uncle Rhinny," #2 Dadda, but my older Grand sons, from #1 call him Uncle Rhinny sometimes too.  We call each other different names, depending on the situation.  When #2 came into our household, the older Grands, called him Daddy Lenny, but eventually it got shortened to Dad.  Sometimes it is Dad for #2, and Daddy for #1.  We try to do it the simplest way for the Baby, because every one in this house is all about "The Princess," and what she needs.  We are all adults, and we all should be putting the children first, tell Bio, to get over himself. Someday he will just be glad they call him, he won't care what name they use!! Best of luck to you all, maybe you could just ask him what he would suggest she call your new significant other, and try to work off that.  If he acts like an asshole about it, he doesn't care about his daughter, it is all about his ego!!  Good Luck

fingers crossed

TexaBamaBaby
by on Aug. 21, 2012 at 1:01 PM

I haven't been through this myself, so I hope I don't mispeak on the issue; but FWIW I wanted to comment anyway. 

I can see what people are saying when they comment, "How would you feel" about the shoe being on the other foot.  It would definitely hurt if DH and I divorced and my kids called another woman Mom.  I'm sure it does anger and hurt your DD's bio-father to see and hear this happening.  That being said, I also feel like telling your DD to NOT call your boyfriend Dad would be painful for HER.    From what you have said, no one coached the little girl to start doing this.   Her little heart did this thing and to take it away would IMHO cause her to lose the father that she knows and loves as Dad.  

When we make choices in our lives, there are always consequences for the good or for the bad.  The girl's biological father was abusive.  Her mother blocked him from seeing her.  Was this the right thing to do?  I can't speak to that because I wasn't there.  (Although I will say, I wouldn't want my child to spend time with an abusive man either.)  Those choices were made and the situation is like it is.  Telling the little girl, "Sorry, but you have to love this other man as your Dad, not the one you chose," would definitely be a bad choice and would reap negative consequences.  We can't change the past and it isn't fair to punish the little girl for this consequence that wasn't her doing. 

I realize that no one is saying the OP's DD should not love the boyfriend/fiance' ; but imagine what the child will think.  To her they would be one and the same.   I think she should just have two dads.  If it causes too much trouble with the bio-dad maybe you could just teach your DD not to call her other dad by name in front of him?  Yes, that would be tricky, but it seems like a better option than making her change what she calls him altogether.  JMHO

RetiredUSAFWife
by on Aug. 21, 2012 at 3:29 PM

It is really sad, isn't it. I know what you're talking about because we've been through it. All you can do, is LOVE your daughter no matter what. I find, if I keep my mouth shut. (It's hard), it's probably better on the child / children. I've done my best raising up four grandchildren and now we're the "Bad Guys" all of a sudden. God Bless You for sharing though. Some day you'll be rewarded for raising her up. It's not an easy task, but it's worth it.

 

MommyLovesAri
by on Aug. 21, 2012 at 5:26 PM

I think it is wrong to allow and confusing to a child of any age. Your soon to be husband is not her dad. Unless a childs parent isn't in their lives at ALL then I don't think you should let or encourage them to call someone else mom or dad. Imagin it the other way around. He meets someone who is Amazing with your child and she loves her like her own and your daughter starts calling her mom b.c. it "feels right" Fuck that you know it would bother you.

AreyellMommy
by on Aug. 22, 2012 at 1:33 PM
1 mom liked this
To me there's a difference between "dad" n "father"..."dad" is an earned title...father is by birth...n by all means if your future husband earned it then Hey call him dad...I'm 23 and my FATHER was around but he never earn "dad" my brother whom is 31 has always been my "dad"...so if her father wants to be "dad" then maybe he should step up n do better...in the end it's your daughter's choice!!!
.....MY OPINION
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
7ginger
by on Aug. 22, 2012 at 5:05 PM
2 moms liked this

Inform your child that Daddy is not who made you, but who takes care of you without the court making him do so. Never deny her the freedom of spending time with the biological father, stay focused on not bad mouthing  the dead beat biological father. Time is on your side, the older she gets the more she will see who truly loves and supports her. If she feels good about calling your boyfriend daddy, by all means let her continue to do so. Try this, "You are so special that you have two fathers", and they both love you". Don't get pulled into the trap Mr. Week-end dad is setting. Congrats on your up-coming bundle of joy and ignore Mr. Week-End dad.

snooksmom25
by on Aug. 22, 2012 at 5:25 PM
1 mom liked this

it seems like your daughter needs to speak with an proffessional she is probably just as confused and the only emtion she knows to show is anger. It seems like her father lets her down a lot so she probably angry about that as well. I would say family counseling is the best so that all of you as a family learn to deal with this. I hate to say it but it sounds like her father is meantally abusive to her and if so she will need help in dealing with that. Im also sad to say that it dounds like her father is better out of her life than in until he can get some help himslef. Stay strong honey. God bless you and your family.

Mika blowing kisses

mamma1993
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 3:09 PM
1 mom liked this

It`s time for you to sit down with her and her bio father and talk about this.She will call your bf whatever she wants if she feels that strongly.I think it is more important that bio father learns how to treat his daughter.It really would not matter if he gave extras to you as support or not.He has no right making his daughter feel bad when they visit.If he wants to keep pushing this let the courts know how bad she feels when he returns her.His visits can be made supervised depending on how he treats her.

.Angelica.
by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 3:42 PM
1 mom liked this

i agree with this. good luck!

Quoting LilyBeansMom:

I think if she feels that calling him Dad is right for her, then it is. I really like the fact that you have managed to never talk negatively to her about her bio-dad. That is healthiest for her and will serve you well in the long run. If you have tried to talk to him and she is clearly too young to understand if you were to try to explain things to her, then counseling sounds very smart. That way she has an objective 3rd party to confide in who can help her sort things out. I have a 7 year old daughter myself. I am betting she already understands more than you think and her attitude reflects her struggle to mesh both parts of her life. Good luck to you!


c_ramirez8606
by on Aug. 25, 2012 at 9:43 AM

I think your daughter will need some counseling because of her bio-father. He sounds a lot like my bio-father. As far as her calling your bf dad. I dont see anything wrong with that. She probablt feels like he is more of a dad than her bio-dad.

My mom never lied to me about my -bio-father. And she never talked bad about him. I learned on my own what a piece of shit he was. Just keep doing what your doing and she will be ok. Its going to be hard at time but it seems like you have a good head on your shoulders and all of you are going to be ok .

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