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Parenting Positive Kids Parenting Positive Kids

Hi all, I decided to post this problem in this particular group because, for the most part, she is a positive child. But sometimes, my 7 year old daughter is easily influenced, which I'm sure most are. The problem is, she's influenced by people who should be helping her grow. Let me explain....

Her father and I have never been together. I got pregnant at 19 and had this beautiful bundle of joy. He was abusive, and I admit I tried keeping him out of her life. After court visits, paternity tests, and a little self reflection and growth, I came around and he got visits and what not. It hasn't been the easiest 7 years, but lots of things have changed. I met an amazing man. We are expecting a child at the end of this month and plan on getting married. We moved in with him 2 years ago when my daughter was starting school.

All this probably sounds great!! The problem comes in with the fact that she started calling my boyfriend Dad. Her real father causes a huge stink. He tells his daughter its wrong and makes her feel awful. Then she comes home with an attitude towards us. We never asked her to call him dad, she picked it up on her own. Her father is in and out of jobs, is behind on his child support and goes weeks without calling her. But he makes us out to be the bad guys. I was thinking of counseling for my daughter, but I'm so confused. Should we be telling her not to call him dad?? He provides everything for her. We don't speak a word of bad about her father to her, and I'm sick of him filling her head with this. Her father went so far as to tell her how I tried to keep him away from her. I have tried talking to him, with no avail. Any advise??

by on Aug. 18, 2012 at 8:55 AM
Replies (21-30):
SabrinaLC
by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 7:26 AM
1 mom liked this

If she wants to call him dad let her know that it's okay.  A lot of kids have more than one mom or dad.  


mommylizTB2809
by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 7:29 AM

I Argree also

Quoting sweetlyblissful:

I agree with this. Good luck!

Quoting LilyBeansMom:

I think if she feels that calling him Dad is right for her, then it is. I really like the fact that you have managed to never talk negatively to her about her bio-dad. That is healthiest for her and will serve you well in the long run. If you have tried to talk to him and she is clearly too young to understand if you were to try to explain things to her, then counseling sounds very smart. That way she has an objective 3rd party to confide in who can help her sort things out. I have a 7 year old daughter myself. I am betting she already understands more than you think and her attitude reflects her struggle to mesh both parts of her life. Good luck to you!


cjsmom1
by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 7:37 AM

If she chose to call him dad then I don't see a problem with it. I would recommend going to court and getting your custody agreement revised and having it state that neither party should bad mouth the other parent. I know a lot of people who have this in their agreement and it's a powerful incentive to get the other parent to be quiet. And if he violates it then it could be switched to supervised visitation.

MomTiara19
by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 7:43 AM

Let me put it to you this way.....

One day your ex is going to get a girlfriend.Would you want your daughter to call this woman mom?

Your ex good or bad is the biological father and is still in her life.Maybe she could call your boyfriend pops instead.This still is endearing to your boyfriend without being disrespectful to your ex.This man is your boyfriend ....your ex will always be her father.

~Tia

 

cupcake_mom
by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 8:05 AM

 let her call you boyfriend what she wants! it is ok for her to look at him as "dad" it sounds like he has been there with her for a good chunck of her life.

i was in a similar situation with my ex and our child, abusive and what not and then i got with my fiance and about a year after we got together my dd started to call him "dad" and i just let her do it. her bio dad was in and out of her life for 3 years and is now no longer in her life at all and im glad that she loves my DF enough to think of him as her "dad", her protector, someone that she wants to be just like. she loves him with all her heart and he loves her the same, that is his daughter blood or not! and if that is how your dd and yoour BF feel about eachother then let them have that.

and i think it is a good idea for her to talk to someone like a theropist about what is going on. sometimes kids in stuations like these need that non parent person they trust to talk to.  if you need to talk im here just PM me

 

masonsmommy107
by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 8:26 AM

I would tell her it could hurt her daddy's feelings if she calls bf dad so it would be best if she didn't and have bf reassure her he still loves her but he doesn't want to make her daddy feel bad whether or not you really care about his feelings but it's just i nice way to explain it

tbursac777
by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 8:53 AM

 if she wants to call him dad, let her.. she will basically have 2 dads in her life, why not call him that?

gypsy_rose
by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 8:55 AM

any man can shove his cock inside a woman and cum. It takes a DAD to take the time and money that it takes to raise the child that comes from it. 


If my son ever started calling another woman "mom" I would do my best to find out why and fix any flaws I have. 

Quoting Armymom134:

 Speaking from DH's experience with this issue, if you could put yourself in his shoes and imagine your DD calling another woman mom, I'm sure it would come as a shock to you and even with the child support issues and irregular visitation, he still loves her and I'm sure it cut him to the bone when she called your BF, not husband but boyfriend, dad. Honestly if it causes that many problems I would advise your DD not to call your BF dad in front of her Bio-dad if it means that much to her to call him dad.

I know how much it hurt DH when his children called their SF dad, because that man is not their father, they have a father. I could see so much anger in DH's ex's eyes when those kids called me mom in front of her, it hurt her, so atleast she got a taste of how it feels for DH. Just sayin you should really think about this.


VioletPlacebo
by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 9:11 AM

My 5 year old has been raised by one man while another fathered her. She sees her bio father on a regular (weekly) basis and calls him her father and occasionally she'll call him Dad. She calls the man who lives with her and provides for her Daddy or Dad. Nobody here cares what they are called as long as they are loved. I don't see why she can't have two Dads and if it's her own choice of words, more power to her. I think if he's being a negative influence on her (and he has court ordered visits) you should talk to someone about removing his visitation privileges or making them supervised. 

ambermario4ever
by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 9:26 AM
DNA does not make you a dad. I think it is fine for her to call your boyfriend dad as long as you and he are both ok with it.
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