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Parenting Positive Kids Parenting Positive Kids

Hi all, I decided to post this problem in this particular group because, for the most part, she is a positive child. But sometimes, my 7 year old daughter is easily influenced, which I'm sure most are. The problem is, she's influenced by people who should be helping her grow. Let me explain....

Her father and I have never been together. I got pregnant at 19 and had this beautiful bundle of joy. He was abusive, and I admit I tried keeping him out of her life. After court visits, paternity tests, and a little self reflection and growth, I came around and he got visits and what not. It hasn't been the easiest 7 years, but lots of things have changed. I met an amazing man. We are expecting a child at the end of this month and plan on getting married. We moved in with him 2 years ago when my daughter was starting school.

All this probably sounds great!! The problem comes in with the fact that she started calling my boyfriend Dad. Her real father causes a huge stink. He tells his daughter its wrong and makes her feel awful. Then she comes home with an attitude towards us. We never asked her to call him dad, she picked it up on her own. Her father is in and out of jobs, is behind on his child support and goes weeks without calling her. But he makes us out to be the bad guys. I was thinking of counseling for my daughter, but I'm so confused. Should we be telling her not to call him dad?? He provides everything for her. We don't speak a word of bad about her father to her, and I'm sick of him filling her head with this. Her father went so far as to tell her how I tried to keep him away from her. I have tried talking to him, with no avail. Any advise??

by on Aug. 18, 2012 at 8:55 AM
Replies (41-50):
ArrudAwakening
by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 11:11 AM

Anyone can be a father, but it takes a special someone to be a dad... I say let her do whatever feels comfortable for her, maybe she sees your boyfriend as more of a father figure than her real dad....

dj_kern
by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 11:19 AM

This has also happened to me. My son's bio dad was not ready to be a dad, some things happened, but i'm not going to get into that on here.  So he wasn't in his life as much as i tryed to get him invloved, let him grow up and all, but it didn't happen, until i met a new guy who is now my husbnad.  After about 6 months or so, my son and i were going somewhere in the car and i hear him say, "mommy i think Bren is my daddy",  at the time my son was 3 and it just blew me out of the water. He new what was right for him, and what not.  Since then his bio dad has signed over his rights, my husband has adopted him back in 2008.  and even though we told his bio dad he can call, and visit on our terms, he hasn't at all.  So I know that what my husband and I have are great. In fact i have pictures of son's bio dad holding him and he doesn't even want them.  I praise god that i have found a wonderful man that has loved my son like his own.

Know that your daughter must be doing what is comfortable to her, nobody can make her do something that isn't right for her.

1amazingfamily
by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 11:21 AM

I don't think it's bad when you explain it correctly.  My husband has two moms and two dads.  Yes, one acted more like a mom and one acted more like a dad, but both sets raised him and so they are both mom and dad.  Just explain to your daughter that it's ok to have TWO dads as long as she calls her TRUE bio-dad DAD also!  

When one calls, I go your mom K or your mom S called.  They are both mom or dad to me also because they are in his eyes.  

I hope you guys can resolve this quickly.  If you think counceling will help, get her in it now before she is older and has emotional scars from it.

GL

OkieMommyOf6
by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 11:24 AM

I was in that same situation. my dh has 4 daughters from a previous marriage and i have 1 daughter from a past relationship. when we started dating the 4 girls mom was in and out of the picture so i was taking care of them 80% of the time while she was taking care of them 20%. my dh and i told the girls that it was up to them if they wanted to call me mom, momma jess, or just jessica. they decided quickly to call me mom and my dh ex HATED it. she used to yell at the kids and my dh about how she thought we were making the girls call me that, which in fact we were not. it finally got to the point were the girls would call her by her first name and me mom, all their decision. we finally told the ex that it was the girls decision to call who whatever they wanted. she needed to deal with it because she was putting them in the situation they should never be in. it took her 3 years but she finally adjust to the fact that i am part of the girls life and they want to call me mom. i would just simply tell your ex that your daughter has decided to call your bf dad and yelling at your dd is NOT the way to go. you may even talk to a lawyer about that because in my book that verbal abuse.

Mrs.Kubalabuku
by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 11:27 AM

What worked for me when I was a teenager in the same situation:

Calling my stepmom a word that meant Mom, but wasn't as "offensive" to my mother.

Try asking her if she'd like to use a different term of endearment.  Maybe another language if she's culturally inclined?  Or just a special name all her own.  Explain that she can love them both and want to call them both something special, but if the word "Dad" is causing her any problems, she can make a new word.  Words are just words, it is the meaning we place in them that makes them powerful.

Counseling would also help, overall.  Not just with the name issue, but with all issues she might be having with her bio dad and you/stepdad.  As a child who lived it, i can say there are many conflicting emotions, and having someonte to talk to, someone who wouldn't go blabbing to my parents every little thing I said, REALLY helped.

gotnothinonme
by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 11:41 AM

I actually went through this EXACT situation with my own daughter, around the same age and basically with the same background. My ex (her bio dad) pitched a fit about her calling another man "Dad" though frankly he'd not done much to ever really earn the title and like you, I never pressed her to do so, it was something she wanted to do and started on her own, we've always explained to her the facts about WHO her biological parents are, and that she can use whatever terminology she felt comfortable with. My ex, insisted if she was going to call my husband dad then she HAD to call his wife "Mom" too, which she didn't want to do, the woman didn't like her and wasn't kind to her and so she never bonded or connected with her. Frankly, I remained positive with my daughter about it but my ex made a stink about it her entire youth (she's 19 now and barely speaks to either of them, her father or stepmom, sadly)- he never let up on her about but as she grew older instead of feeling badly about it, she started to resent his attitude about it and simpy became more firmly commited to her stepdad (my husband) even in the end referring to her bio dad by his name and ONLY my husband as daddy- but my husband has been her "dad" in every way since she was three, her bio dad was there if it was convenient or if it suited him or if his wife "allowed" it, but ultimately he never prioritized his relationship with our daughter, while my husband did- I'm sorry for your daughter, this tiny ridiculous issue can be the source of so much grief for the children stuck in these situations. My honest advice is to explain to her that her father may simply be lashing out because he's a bit jealous of her relationship with her stepfather (I told my daughter it was like when she got a little jealous when her bff made a new friend) and make sure to clarify for her that she doesn't ever ever have to CHOOSE betwen them, that loving them both is completely right, and good and okay. For as much negativity as biodad brings to the table, sadly you will have to combat with twice as much positive, encouraging and supportive words- it won't curb all the damage he'll do but it can help.

Lovingmomfarm
by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 11:44 AM

I think it is up to the child what they call a step-parent.   I oldest daughters biological father walked out when she was 1 week old.  He would only see her when it was on his terms.  When he did she her he was abusive to her.  He was turned in to SRS (I have no clue who did it, but I thank god everyday).  After his first interview he took off and we have not heard from him sense.  

When my daughter was 4 I meet my, now, husband.  When we got engaged my daughter asked me what he will be after we get married.  I told her that he would be my husband.  She looked at me and said I know that, but what will he be to me, what do I call him.  I asked her what she wanted him to be and what she wanted to call me.  She said Daddy with the biggest smile on her face.  Two years ago he adopted her!

I think that if you force a child to call a step-parent mommy or daddy, or if you make them feel bad for wanting to call that step-parent mommy or daddy it will back fire on you.   Talk to your ex and explain that you and you husband both know that he is her father and that wont change, but she is lucky enough to have two men that love her dearly.  Assure him that this was your daughters choice and not you making her.  

Armymom134
by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 11:45 AM

 

Quoting gypsy_rose:

any man can shove his cock inside a woman and cum. It takes a DAD to take the time and money that it takes to raise the child that comes from it. 

 

If my son ever started calling another woman "mom" I would do my best to find out why and fix any flaws I have. 

Some situations are not that simple. And your right any MAN or WOMAN can have a baby, but it takes more than that to be a parent. And when your in a home that divorce has happened, the child calling the step parent mom or dad doesn' alwayst mean mom or dad has done something wrong, it just means that the child has become comfortable with that step parent and has made a relationship with that step parent. Why do people on here always look to the worst of a situation. It never ceases to amaze me.

 

gypsy_rose
by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 12:01 PM

because in THIS situation it is the bio parent is neglagent. My son calls my DH daddy because his father has NOTHING to do with him. my step kids slip up sometimes and call me mom. While their mom does see them she ignores them while they are there. They are not allowed outside to play and must stay in ONE roomt the whole visit.

Quoting Armymom134:

 

Quoting gypsy_rose:

any man can shove his cock inside a woman and cum. It takes a DAD to take the time and money that it takes to raise the child that comes from it. 


If my son ever started calling another woman "mom" I would do my best to find out why and fix any flaws I have. 

Some situations are not that simple. And your right any MAN or WOMAN can have a baby, but it takes more than that to be a parent. And when your in a home that divorce has happened, the child calling the step parent mom or dad doesn' alwayst mean mom or dad has done something wrong, it just means that the child has become comfortable with that step parent and has made a relationship with that step parent. Why do people on here always look to the worst of a situation. It never ceases to amaze me.



JLSK77
by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 12:30 PM

I was in the same type of situation with my daughter. Bio-mom was in and out and has never been able to get right in life (hold down a job ect.) I met my now husband when she was just shy of three and from the get go she called me mom. We tried to discourage her and to at most call me mommy Jules trying to do so out of respect for bio-mom and that failed.  There was no changing this little ones mind.  Her bio-mom pulled the same things "she is NOT your mom I am!!" It confused her and made her feel bad. So my husband and I let her decide what she wanted to call me. She was able to figure out on her own what was right for her, and in her mind and heart calling me mommy was right.  Now almost 6yrs later bio-mom is out of the picture, I have adopted my daughter, she is healthy and happy, and has always called me mom. 

P.S. The counsellling is not a bad idea.

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