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Parenting Positive Kids Parenting Positive Kids

Hi all, I decided to post this problem in this particular group because, for the most part, she is a positive child. But sometimes, my 7 year old daughter is easily influenced, which I'm sure most are. The problem is, she's influenced by people who should be helping her grow. Let me explain....

Her father and I have never been together. I got pregnant at 19 and had this beautiful bundle of joy. He was abusive, and I admit I tried keeping him out of her life. After court visits, paternity tests, and a little self reflection and growth, I came around and he got visits and what not. It hasn't been the easiest 7 years, but lots of things have changed. I met an amazing man. We are expecting a child at the end of this month and plan on getting married. We moved in with him 2 years ago when my daughter was starting school.

All this probably sounds great!! The problem comes in with the fact that she started calling my boyfriend Dad. Her real father causes a huge stink. He tells his daughter its wrong and makes her feel awful. Then she comes home with an attitude towards us. We never asked her to call him dad, she picked it up on her own. Her father is in and out of jobs, is behind on his child support and goes weeks without calling her. But he makes us out to be the bad guys. I was thinking of counseling for my daughter, but I'm so confused. Should we be telling her not to call him dad?? He provides everything for her. We don't speak a word of bad about her father to her, and I'm sick of him filling her head with this. Her father went so far as to tell her how I tried to keep him away from her. I have tried talking to him, with no avail. Any advise??

by on Aug. 18, 2012 at 8:55 AM
Replies (51-60):
lotuszen
by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 12:36 PM

My Step daughters call me Mom but this is because my Son started calling me Jessi instead of Mom..  I do not know how old your daughter is, but with  our girls we have them call me Jessi when thier Mom is around, and we explained that it would hurt thier Moms feeling if they call me Mom in front of her.

Armymom134
by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 12:36 PM

 

Quoting gypsy_rose:

because in THIS situation it is the bio parent is neglagent. My son calls my DH daddy because his father has NOTHING to do with him. my step kids slip up sometimes and call me mom. While their mom does see them she ignores them while they are there. They are not allowed outside to play and must stay in ONE roomt the whole visit.

 I suggested to the OP that she look at the situation she is in from every angle, including the BF's outlook on this situation. There isn't anything wrong with that.

ameliacaldeira
by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 12:38 PM

i agree that if she wants to she should be able to. maybe sit down with her and explain what a birth parent is and what step parents are and their roles in a family. explaini that everyone has a lot of love for eachother and the children involved and that caring about a stepdad is still okay, and maybe she will see that the things "dad"s are supposed to do arent really being done by her biodad and she will be able to express herself to him next time he trys to tell her different

SuperWoman8
by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 1:31 PM

I don't have a great desl of advice, but I'm on the recieving end of what you are stating. there's kids in my family that insist on calling me mom while calling their actual Bio moms mommy. I have never told them to do so, I tried correcting them for years, but stubborness runs in family!

 we've explained to them why I am not their actual mother, and they get that, but they insist that mom is what they want to call me. everyone just all gave up and stopped correcting them.

it's a tough one.

Lizzys_mommy13
by Bronze Member on Aug. 20, 2012 at 1:40 PM

I know a lot of people that call their step parents mom/dad right along with their bio parents. There is nothing wrong with it at all. I would talk to him about it and I would get her into some counseling and talk to the counselor about it as well. She/he may have an idea how to better deal with this kind of situation without confusing your baby girl even more. Good luck hun!

Sweetness88
by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 1:50 PM

I had a similar situation. My child's father had been in and out her life and DH has been her father figure. I never mentioned her calling him dad. She just called him dad one day. I asked her why and her reply was "well, he takes care of me and he raising me so that why I called him dad." If I were you I would talk to my daughter and let her express herself to you and her bio. My daughter told her bio dad the same thing she told me....GOOD LUCK.

booklover74
by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 1:51 PM

It seems to me your daughter has made her choice and she should be supported in it. When a parent is frequently abscent, not very heavily interactive with a child, or acts in a an off putting way towards their child, the child looks for other people to fill that role.

I have a similar story to yours, but my DD father elected not to be in her life at all. My husband has been her dad since she was six. Even if he had been sporatically and unpredictably involved in her life I would have supported her choice in who she called what. Dad is an earned title. I had no father in my life. I had an amazing grandpa, who, as a kid, I secretly always wanted to call dad. He had earned that place with me.

I can understand your ex being upset. He's being an ass by getting mad at her over it though.That's wrong. He has no buisness  berating her for calling another man dad. If he bothered to think about his actions much and talk with her he'd probably understand why she made the choice.

He chose to be the type of father he is and that choice has resulted in her thinking of someone else in her life being worthy of the title dad. He needs to suck it up, keep his hurt feeling to himself, and accept that she can love and call two people dad. If he wantss to be the #! dad in her life then he needs to and needed to act like it. Dads don't drop in and out of their kids lives, they aren't unreliable, undependable. Being a father is different than being a dad. Being a parent is different than being a mom or dad. He'll always be her father but a dad shows up and stays involved in every day life and kids know it.

JLS2388
by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 1:51 PM

It should be up to her, I would file contempt charges on him since he is disparaging you so much to her

NadineBrown3
by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 1:54 PM

You are doing great.  He is just a jerk.  My DS is the same age and we, thankfully, do not have the name game issue.  I totaly get why you were so thorough with your information.  I am constanly irritated by my DS's father.  He does pay child support, but there are many other factors that come into it that just... grrr.


IMO if they have such a problem with the fact that we didn't pick them, mabey they should take a min to reflect on WHY that is and act accordingly. LOL

Jenn_14
by on Aug. 20, 2012 at 2:05 PM

If the boyfriend dont mind, and you have been with him  and plan to stay with him. I dont see the harm, that is the man she feels closest to. If her real father is a douche well that is his own problem.

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