MY lounge chair.Babies are the greatest, aren't they? They're so pure, and sweet, and they bring infinite joy into people's lives. But, you know what else they do? Rob their parents of the life they used to know!
It's all for the better, I swear! I wouldn't trade my daughter for anything in the universe, but after I had her, the little things my childless self used to do suddenly became extreme luxuries. Or, you know, things that just didn't happen at all.
Friends who are thinking of having kids -- let me tell you, it truly is the best thing in the world. Go for it. But take heed. Here are 7 things you should know before having a baby.
Life as you know it won't end. It'll just ... change.
You will come in contact -- on a fairly regular basis -- with feces that aren't your own. Like cleanliness? A fan of not touching other people's poop? You may want to consider staying childless, because let me tell you: Babies = Poop. Everywhere. All the time.
The inside of a movie theater will be but a distant memory. Everybody kept saying it to me before I gave birth: "Don't stay in the house now, because once the baby comes ..." And I should have listened to them, but I was just so tired. I can't tell you the last time I went to a movie. If my husband and I get out, it's to grab a quick bite so we can talk. But there is an upside! Lots of OnDemand to look forward to.
Your voice will start to sporadically break into a high-pitched squeal. You're talking to your husband or your friend in your normal voice. Yeah, so I really need to get those TPS reports done for wo-- Then your baby wakes up, and your voice involuntarily shifts a few octaves higher. I hear a pretty little girl!!! I'm gonna get yooouuu!!!
You'll be able to get out of your house quickly. Oh, I'm sorry, did I say "quickly"? I mean, it'll take forever to leave your house! For-ev-er. (And don't even get me started on "traveling light.")
David Letterman, Andy Cohen, and John Stewart will become unrecognizable to you. Enjoy shows that go on later than 10? (Or, um, 9?) Better set that DVR, friend. Once you have a kid, sleep trumps hilarious social commentary any day.
You will become one of "those people." Used to roll your eyes at the men and women who would talk about their kids, and -- gasp! -- show you pictures of the little ones? Heh-heh-heh. You just wait.
Before having a baby, ask yourself this: Do I like spit-up? Because let me tell you, spit-up likes you.
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