#4 of 6 Things Our Kids Just Plain Won't Get
You just finished a big job interview. They said they'd call you by the end of the day to let you know if you got the position. You get back home to find someone in your house engaged in a two-hour phone conversation about who they think can end Bill Goldberg's winning streak in the WCW. And suddenly, your immediate career depends upon the speed at which that debate can be resolved. So you have to ask them to "hang up."
"I'll call you back in a few. Yeah, my son's being a pussy."
Everyone knows that means "get off the phone, ahole," but do you know why that seemingly unrelated phrase is used? The base for the phone used to be mounted to a wall. When you were finished talking, you hung the receiver on a hook attached to that base, and the call ended. You literally hung up the phone. Now, you just push a button or close it.
In the future, you'll unplug the guitar cord from the back of your head.
It was only about 20 years ago that those landlines were the standard, because cell phones were too expensive and impractical. DSL or cable Internet was something only the rich kids had and superdorks took second jobs for, so most computers connected to the Net using the same phone line that you needed in order to make calls.
If you were waiting on an important call, you didn't even consider getting on the Internet, because the caller would be met with a busy signal every time he tried to get through. Even when you weren't waiting on one at all, it never failed that one of your jackoff friends timed his calls exactly when you were trying to spend some free time dicking around on the Net. Every time he dialed your number, you'd get booted offline, and the two hours you just spent downloading a 30-second video clip would have to be started over from scratch.
No, we still didn't pay for porn, even back then.
Now, the biggest thing you have to plan around is battery life, because your mom is now having a two-hour conversation about the Undertaker's Wrestlemania streak and just sucked all the juice out of the phone. There's nothing quite like hearing that warning beep in mid-conversation, having to quickly explain that your phone is about to die, and then waiting for it to charge back up for the next hour before you can finish telling your friend exactly what kind of a bitch your mom is.
On the other side of that coin, using the phrase "my phone is about to die" as one of the greatest excuses for ending an unwanted conversation ... well, that's about to die, too. In 2009, scientists invented a battery that could be recharged in 10 seconds, giving you material for your own article in just a couple of years.
You'll have to come up with a new excuse for ignoring your family, though.
As hard as it probably is for my kids to get what a pain in the butt the phone used to be, it's probably even harder for them to grasp ...