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Boys and aggression/anger

Posted by on Feb. 24, 2013 at 6:16 PM
  • 11 Replies
My oldest son is 9 years old. While he's the more quiet one of my three he is also very easily angered. However, he doesn't give me trouble with his behavior at school or in social settings. He only displays his anger at home, towards the younger two (8 & 7 year old). It's like he lets out a "bully" side with the siblings but with children at school he doesn't speak up for himself when someone says or does demeaning things to him. The younger two have witnessed some of his peers saying mean things about him while on the school bus.

This weekend he punched my middle son in the stomach, over not getting to play with a ball they had been tossing back and forth. On another occasion this weekend also, he punched my daughter in the face while I was driving, suddenly my daughter screamed that her nose was bleeding. She had a handful of blood and I had to give her a tissue to pinch her nose until I could safely pull over and find out what happened.
I am not sure what is triggering his angry reactions. I know me getting angry and reacting out of my anger towards his behavior will only add fuel to the fire.
He likes drawing and cooking, so there are times when I have him help me with dinner just to keep him separated from them, or I give him paper and pencil to draw at the kitchen table while they other two are doing something else.

I can't say he's like that all the time either. Many times he plays really well with them and they're getting along fine. Other times he quickly lets out this angry/aggressive side when something simple upsets him.

Have any of you experienced this? If so, what do you recommend that I could do to help him learn how to deal with his emotions? I certainly do not want him growing into a raging uncontrollable teen.
by on Feb. 24, 2013 at 6:16 PM
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Replies (1-10):
mamavalor
by Member on Feb. 28, 2013 at 1:24 PM

It sounds like your son has two issues.  One being the oldest and having annoying siblings bugging him.  His feelings are normal but how he acts upon them is good.  He needs to express his frustrations in a non-violent way.  Perhaps you and your husband can have a talk with him, a talk with the whole family about not bothering one another.

The second issue is he not standing up for himself at school.  The old story of how dad had a hard day at school and comes home and kicks the dog.  Your son may be using his siblings as punching bags for his frustrations at school.  Again, a talk is in order.  Show him how to express his anger in a more positive way.  Set up a punching bag or pillow.  Some kids scream to let out their frustrations.  Others like to play a vigorous sport.  Whatever the outlet it it shouldn't be the siblings.  Good luck

MamisAngels
by on Feb. 28, 2013 at 2:51 PM


Quoting mamavalor:

It sounds like your son has two issues.  One being the oldest and having annoying siblings bugging him.  His feelings are normal but how he acts upon them is good.  He needs to express his frustrations in a non-violent way.  Perhaps you and your husband can have a talk with him, a talk with the whole family about not bothering one another.

The second issue is he not standing up for himself at school.  The old story of how dad had a hard day at school and comes home and kicks the dog.  Your son may be using his siblings as punching bags for his frustrations at school.  Again, a talk is in order.  Show him how to express his anger in a more positive way.  Set up a punching bag or pillow.  Some kids scream to let out their frustrations.  Others like to play a vigorous sport.  Whatever the outlet it it shouldn't be the siblings.  Good luck

Thank you! I appreciate the advice.

I do often catch the younger two antagonizing him. Sometimes his reactions seem completely unexpected. But you're right, it could be the second issue of letting it all out when he gets home from school.

Now that I think of it, he probably knows home is his comfort zone and if he were to do things like that at school there would be clear and unpleasant consequences. While I do want him to be comfortable at home, I don't want that to be at the expense of the safety of the others. But I will work on having consequences for all of them, even if they're the ones doing the bugging.

I'll be sure my husband and I talk to him.

Thanks again for your input! It helped get an outside perspective to see things a little differently.

thank you

paris2lmp
by on Mar. 3, 2013 at 9:30 PM

My youngest son has what I call a "flash temper" Seemingly out of no where he will get angry and lash out.  He was getting in trouble at school for hitting other kids and acting angrily towards teachers etc.  I can't say that our attempts have been 100% effective but here is what we have done that has helped:  He had clear consequences for misbehaving at school AND at home and they were the same in both places.  We made him buy bricks with his own money (after getting a 3 day suspension).  Whenever he would start to lose his temper at home we have him go outside and move the pile of bricks from one end of our yard to the other...sometimes more than once.  At school the teacher or principal would have him carry books.  The physical work forced him to vent his anger that way and also gave  him time to think about the consequences.  Also, we developed a reward system.  GOOD behavior earned him extra tv time, or other small rewards. 

idk if these will help you in your circumstance but thought I would share what worked for us!  Good luck! :0)

mrswillie
by Silver Member on Mar. 4, 2013 at 8:39 AM
First, if he is being bullied at school, contact the school. Don't let it continue. Also, seek counseling. Individual for him, as well as family. You other kids will resent him. They need to understand why it is happening and you need tools on dealing with it.
countrygirlkat
by Bronze Member on Mar. 4, 2013 at 3:20 PM

 My guess is that he is saving up all of his frustration about what is happening at school and it comes out at home.  I would work on the school front and the bullying that is happening there while trying to teach him other ways to manage his anger at home(a punching bag or something).

dusky_rose
by Sue on Mar. 8, 2013 at 5:52 PM

It sounds like he doesn't have an outlet for his anger while he is at school, so he is bringing it home and taking it out on his younger siblings. If he is a quiet child, he may not know how to tell his peers when something is bothering him. All I can suggest is that that he needs a way to express his feelings that isn't aggressive. If he likes to draw, maybe he can draw pictures about what he did in school?


Bob192
by Crystal on Mar. 8, 2013 at 11:59 PM

Maybe letting him do something outside of home/school where he feels empowered, something he is good at?

Kainalu55
by on Mar. 13, 2013 at 2:56 PM

it seems like he may be taking his anger out on his siblings because he hold it in when at school.  IS he being bullied at school?

elasmimi
by on Mar. 13, 2013 at 5:36 PM

Sounds a little like what we call kick the cat syndrome. If he is being bullied at school, talk with his teacher and/or the principal. Maybe there is a school counselor, or get some private counseling.

kellynh
by Bronze Member on Mar. 15, 2013 at 11:07 AM

 My only son is 15m and one due in June. My older 3 are girls. So reading this is interesting for me

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