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Parenting Positive Kids Parenting Positive Kids

Why do so many women choose to be an ignorant parent?

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I don't understand why so many women in general as well as here on CM choose to be largely or even completely ignorant when it comes to parenting. If you have a baby then you have a responsibility to educate yourself about parenting and child development to be best able to help that child achieve healthy, happy and responsible adulthood. It seems to me that many of them simply do not have any understanding of child development and then are surprised when their child approaches two and they haven't a clue as to how to parent that two-year-old. Then there are the ones with four and five-year-olds that have done no research into schooling, etc.

Am I the only one that believes that when we have children we have an obligation, I would say a sacred one, to be the very best parents we can be? I'm not saying anyone is, or should be expected to be a "perfect" mother but when someone has a two-year-old and is asking questions here on CM for which even a bit of very cursory research would supply answers, what exactly is their problem? I am not referring here to someone seeking the advice or input of other mothers for reference, or help in the moment, or when despite their best efforts they are having a specific problem or a disagreement in how to parent with a partner or their own parent. What I am addressing, for instance, is someone with a child approaching the age of two that had absolutely no idea what this phase means in terms of the growth and development in a human child and then they have the nerve to complain about the "terrible twos" as though it's their child's fault that they didn't bother to learn anything at all to help them to help their child through the challenge of the transition from infancy to toddlerhood.

by on Jul. 1, 2013 at 3:50 PM
Replies (11-18):
countrygirlkat
by on Jul. 4, 2013 at 1:42 PM

Thanks, lol.

Quoting elasmimi:

exactly

Quoting countrygirlkat:

I guess I am not sure exactly what your post refers to but I would say that if somebody comes here for information or advice about stages then that is a good start to them learning things.  While books and research are definitely a good thing learning from other mothers is a nice thing to do as well.



GaleJ
by on Jul. 4, 2013 at 8:34 PM
I understand what you are saying but there is a difference between what happened with you and someone that has already done both timeouts and spankings and is looking for new punishments because the problem isn't solved. That she continues to allow it happening is, in my opinion, problematic and directly reflects on her and the idea that she thinks the child is the problem. Beyond that she wasn't asking for suggestions or solutions she wanted new ways to punish.

I also agree with you, it is better to be positive but I must admit to becoming somewhat frustrated. So many of the mothers on CM think that they can "punish" their children to better behavior and often, despite their own admission that it isn't working, have no idea that they should be, at least, trying something else.


Quoting GwenMB:

As you said, you don't know what she meant by "leaving the child alone" with a younger sibling.  I also don't think that leaving two young children unsupervised for even a short time is automatically irresponsible.  I remember when my boys were 22 months & 1 month & I wondered how the 1 month old had red eyes & then I caught the 22 month old poking him in the eye.  I obviously left them "unsupervised" for a very short time (likely turned my back for a few seconds to get something) which allowed this to happen.  You may want to call that irresponsible, but I know I was doing the best I could at that point & that it didn't happen again after I caught the 22 mo doing it.  I didn't punish him, though, just made sure, to the best of my ability, that he didn't have the chance to do so.  He also started loving his little brother around that same time & stopped wanting to hurt him.  Or maybe he'd just checked out his little brother's eyes at that point & didn't need to anymore.

I also think that not everyone is educated in how to research things or knows about classes or books etc.  Which is why, when I see someone struggling to figure it out, I point them to resources.

I really do my best to not criticize other mothers IRL or on the internet.  We are all doing the best we can with what we have. Not everyone is blessed with a good childhood (which gives us tools to raise our own children) or the ability to research or find classes or even a good support network.


kangel48446
by on Jul. 7, 2013 at 1:49 PM

To be honest, I prefer to hear from other mothers who have similar issues.. it feels good to know that I'm not the only one experiencing the problems. I do not come to cafemom to be criticized. 

GaleJ
by on Jul. 7, 2013 at 3:03 PM

I do understand and, in general agree. I like to think that I, after successfully raising my own son to responsible adulthood with the help, advice, and guidance of those mothers and grandmothers that the universe sent to mentor me, could be helpful in turn to others and I do try to be. My problem, and I admit to it as my problem freely, is that I am concerned by those women that are not willing or, in some cases, even understand that raising children is important work and that this work, like most things worth doing, requires some investment in the form of acquiring knowledge. They blame their children and are harsh and unforgiving when in reality the child is following the natural developmental curve and they simply do not have any understanding of that.

I'm sorry that I'm not being more understanding and appreciate the chance to vent a bit here in this group. I was not negative in the actual posting that set me off on this rant but just felt that I needed to get it off my chest. The responses have been thoughtful and have helped me get things back in prospective a bit although I do wish that all of our public schools covered more family issues including child development so that our young people would be exposed to a range of parenting information and would, at the very least, understand that children do not behave in negative ways just to be difficult. Thank you for taking the time to comment.


Quoting kangel48446:

To be honest, I prefer to hear from other mothers who have similar issues.. it feels good to know that I'm not the only one experiencing the problems. I do not come to cafemom to be criticized. 



anashadow
by on Jul. 15, 2013 at 3:08 PM

I ask for a lot of help and adive from other moms, but not so much so as to say i wasnt expecting it to be this challenging. When i was pregnant with my son i did night and day  research and caring for an infant, had all the "what to expect" books, etc. and i felt and still feel very confident caring for an infant. After my son was reaching the age of two i also did a lot of research on my own for what to expect, etc and though it was more challenging than infanthood, i still felt i was handling things well... But it seems like once your child goes into 3/4 year stage its like... i constantly feel like a failure as a mom because of the things that come out of my sons mouth (that he didnt necissarily learn from me!) and his little attitude! I did expect things to be difficult, but i guess i didnt realize HOW difficult it would be at this age. Not to mention this is also the time my husband and i divorced so im sure that hasnt helped my sons behavior. I guess what im saying is i thoguht the hard part was over after the "terrible twos" but no it just gets worse lol...well kinda. So now im just constantly looking for techniques on this age because apparently it takes a lot!

Wish2Be
by on Jul. 25, 2013 at 4:37 PM

 I find most people become more ignorant when there is a problem present...like autism or some form of personality disorder. They do this out of denial....they dont want to believe something could be wrong with their child....its very frustrating.

RobynS
by on Jul. 25, 2013 at 4:58 PM

I'm always trying to learn more! I'll find a parenting article that I think is helpful and sometimes very important and I'll share it with DH. His apathy is startling. Ugh. Once in a while he will read it and take it to heart, but half the time I get no response at all or he doesn't even bother to read it. :/

slw123
by on Jul. 25, 2013 at 7:00 PM

It is important that we all learn as we go.

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