I need help. We have a few short vacations a year as a family, which we enjoy and look forward to. One 4 day vacation, DH spends with his birth family, who happen to not be very nice people. After a few years of this, I learned to stay home, which works.
Now, MIL wants to come on our vacation with us to our beach house. We have worked very hard for this and have scrimped and saved and done comfortably for ourselves. No one has helped us with anything (I feel the need to explain we don't owe anyone). We look forward to OUR time in OUR peaceful place. In addition, since we live so far from my family (500 miles) and MIL lives 5 minutes (or less) from us and hardly ever sees us (!) this whole idea is rubbing us the wrong way. Her rationale is she wants to "say goodbye" to some sick relatives (who happen to have alzeimers and will not know her or know that she is there, especially since she is not their blood relative and they only saw each other at weddings and funerals, but I digress). In addition, we use this time to see our (older than MIL) relatives, and relatives who took sick quite young and unexpectedly. It is OUR time. IIt is once per year and we look forward to our peace. Did I mention there is only one bathroom in this rather old house? MIL has no idea, as her house is 4+BR and 3 BA.
Apparently, MIL has already booked her flight and was (as usual) quite pushy about it. WHAT do I do? I won't be able to hold it together an entire week. We are very different, which would not be a problem, if she were not critical and passive aggressive to the Nth degree. Now our vacation logistics are blown as we have to cart her around. She says she will do lunch with the (alzeimers) relatives one day. Wow, could it be any more trouble, it seems? I forgot to add, DH becomes like his jerk dad when exposed to these people - snapping at the kids and expecting us to basically run without him. He tunes out likes his parents, among other annoying things. He is at his aboslute worst around his family. Please talk me down. I am ready to stay home rather than put me and my kids through another vacation from hell with her. You can't be nice to these types of people, it only exacerbates the situation. Thanks for any help.
U guys saved for this!
Some people really Do take Kindness for Weakness.
Shes not slick, she booked her flight so youd Have to let her go. She'd be one disappointed lady. The nerve of her to just assume.
I dont take that Pushy characteristic too well.
Noone messes with a once a yr vacation! :0)
Do you own the beach house, or rent it? If you own it, you could give her the keys, and not go to the house that week. Pick another week after she goes. If you rent, well, I think you'll just have to tell her that she wasn't invited, and there's no room for her there.
Thats a rough situation. Can you ask her to stay at a hotel? Maybe let her know it will be crowded with so many people and one bath. Its very pushy to book a flight and just assume she can drop in on your family vacation.
Thank you for the support! This is the BS I have to deal with all year round, unfortunately. To the point that I do not have any inclination to attend THEIR family vacation elsewhere (she rents a house in a different area once per year and it sucks, frankly). Their family is extremely insular, cold, socially checked out, abusive and overbearing. DH is (obviously) very different - I think he was adopted! Unfortunately, this means he does not stand up to her or his abusive siblings. Shes really arbitrary and expects her way. Anyone who doesn't play by her backward rules is ostracized, so I stay away from her so she has no ammunition one way or another. I've always been nice, but that is not good enough for her because I am different than them. [To give you an idea, all the boys in the family have long hair, all the girls have short hair, all the same exact style, same eye glasses, clothes, it is truly the weirdest thing I have ever seen. Reading this, it seems like a cult. Maybe it is??!!] So, I am faces with probably skipping my own vacation.
We own the house, and bought it specifically so I could see my dead parents relatives (my only connection with them) who are too old to travel. She *HAS* to visit these people who won't even know she's there? For lunch? Maybe one hour? Are you for real, lady?!?!?
I just don't think there is enough wine in the world to get through this. Every last thing I do is going to be scrutinized. In my own home. In my own home state. With my own family. It's like the worst nightmare ever come true.
Now if we had *asked* her to join us, she would act like it was the biggest deal ever and we somehow owed her. This is the sam woman who lives five minutes away and never sees her grandkids, but regularly plays bridge in our same neighborhood. She drives by her own grandchildren! She will maybe babysit once or twice per year. Just a woman filled with hate, she thinks someone owes her, and believe me it is NOT me!
Now I sound like the terrible one (just as she wants). But it is our own house, our own vacation time (less than one week, a ten hour drive each way with two small children) and we have plans with my OWN family - who I never get to see!!!! WTF??!!
Thanks for listening. I could just cry. Should I stay home rather than put myself through this? Maybe (just maybe) she would get the hint??!!
I like this idea
Quoting ddhb2007:Do you own the beach house, or rent it? If you own it, you could give her the keys, and not go to the house that week. Pick another week after she goes. If you rent, well, I think you'll just have to tell her that she wasn't invited, and there's no room for her there.
Quoting schaeferremy:Thank you for the support! This is the BS I have to deal with all year round, unfortunately. To the point that I do not have any inclination to attend THEIR family vacation elsewhere (she rents a house in a different area once per year and it sucks, frankly). Their family is extremely insular, cold, socially checked out, abusive and overbearing. DH is (obviously) very different - I think he was adopted! Unfortunately, this means he does not stand up to her or his abusive siblings. Shes really arbitrary and expects her way. Anyone who doesn't play by her backward rules is ostracized, so I stay away from her so she has no ammunition one way or another. I've always been nice, but that is not good enough for her because I am different than them. [To give you an idea, all the boys in the family have long hair, all the girls have short hair, all the same exact style, same eye glasses, clothes, it is truly the weirdest thing I have ever seen. Reading this, it seems like a cult. Maybe it is??!!] So, I am faces with probably skipping my own vacation.
We own the house, and bought it specifically so I could see my dead parents relatives (my only connection with them) who are too old to travel. She *HAS* to visit these people who won't even know she's there? For lunch? Maybe one hour? Are you for real, lady?!?!?
I just don't think there is enough wine in the world to get through this. Every last thing I do is going to be scrutinized. In my own home. In my own home state. With my own family. It's like the worst nightmare ever come true.
Now if we had *asked* her to join us, she would act like it was the biggest deal ever and we somehow owed her. This is the sam woman who lives five minutes away and never sees her grandkids, but regularly plays bridge in our same neighborhood. She drives by her own grandchildren! She will maybe babysit once or twice per year. Just a woman filled with hate, she thinks someone owes her, and believe me it is NOT me!
Now I sound like the terrible one (just as she wants). But it is our own house, our own vacation time (less than one week, a ten hour drive each way with two small children) and we have plans with my OWN family - who I never get to see!!!! WTF??!!
Thanks for listening. I could just cry. Should I stay home rather than put myself through this? Maybe (just maybe) she would get the hint??!!
I wouldn't give her the power of making you stay home and miss time spent with your kids.
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OP here, See, I am kicking myself because I know she is extremely manipulative, its no secret! She also has a huge chip on her shoulder, which doesn't help. She is a wolf in sheeps clothing, which just exacerbates the situation. We have made so many sacrifices and have asked *nothing* of anyone else, we as a family pride ourselves on that. In turn, all we reasonably expect is peace and quiet. Boundaries are definitely in order!
I swear that because all her gossipy friends are out of town with their own families, and her family doesn't have time for her anymore (they dont use her for babysitting anymore), now she wants us to make time for her, all these years later. The worst part is she lives 5 minutes from us and we did *not* come all this way to our *own* house for her nonsense. We purposely bought a house near my family to enjoy my family in peace. No we know to say *no way*.
Anyway, thanks for listening.
Kids' Birthday on vacation
- schaeferremy
on Aug. 21, 2012 at 10:15 PM