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help me with my colombian MIL part 2 (still long)

Posted by on May. 19, 2012 at 7:14 PM
  • 10 Replies

so we moved in with them, his dad was sick with something i cant spell but ill try-  pulminary fibrosis,    so he was not working.   his brother was holding down the apt all he bills ect and not to happy abt it   (he doesnt really get along with his parents which is why they depend on my husband so much, hes their 'good son')          so when we moved there my husband and his bro began to split all the bills 50/50, except food we bought all the food for everyone.   

so then his dad went back to colombia bcuz he has a health insurance there. his wife chose to stay here in case he died she would not be alone there with out my husband and the kids (my BIL does have a son there but they have not seen him in years, they talk on the phone occasionaly)  so now its my MIL, BIL, husband my 6 month old i had in ohio, and my 1st born who was now 2  and me living in a small 2 bedroom apt. my BIL was sleeping on the couch and my family sleeping in the smaller 2nd bedroom and my MIL sleeping in the master with the bathroom. so my BIL couldnt catch any good jobs and my husband was paying everything (1300 rent, 200 electric bcuz they kept the ac on alll day really cold,  all the food, 300 for a storage with our stuff)   my MIL still refused to watch the kids for me even when i would go to the laundrymat with 2 little kids and she would even ask me to bring her stuff there to wash,    she stopped cleaning the floor, kitchen after she cooked (she cooked the meals for her and bil and i cooked for my fam bcuz we eat a lil diffrent then bil who is super picky)    bathroom, balcony, everything and expected me to do it saying she was not a slave, when i dont believe she was ever treated as one.  

then we all started fighting and my husband basically took her side, so then i was like ok so im supposed to be the 'slave' here? it should be even like i clean the floor 1 day her the next same with the bathroom and everyone should clean the kitchen when they are done eating/cooking.       but it never happened like that. so the next yr was just fighting between my husband and me and between her and ,y husband. i was also preg somewhere in the middle of this bcuz we finally moved out not even a month before he was born.     so i revolted after a while and stoppped to clean the floor to see how long it would take her to do it, she never did. so i gave up  and did it all the time same with all the cleaning. and the fighting continued bc anytime i would try to talk to hubby abt it he would get SOOOOOO defensive of his mom like shes alone and bla blabla.

so my FIL got a surgery there in colombia and i thought MIL would go to be with him but she decided to stay here, basically seperating from him without really saying it. and she really thought she was going to move in with us when we got our house, but i said no. bcuz she never wants to help me with the kids not even one time adn she wants to be treated like a princess adn ask my husband to take her to the salon and PAY when we dont have money for me to do it!!!!   when i confront him about that he said well she is colombian and they need to go to the salon its just the way the woman are there, i was like are u kidding me! i have 2 kids preg i wanna go and have a day to get my nails done too, and bc im AMERICAN i dont need it??????        so anyway she found a lady in her church to move in with and my husband and me went to therapy bc i thought we were gonna end seperated if he didnt open his eyes to that he was helping him mom more then me and the kids.      

she was getting money every month from her husnad and i knew when she got her 400bucks bc she was at the mall the next couple days and never got anything for the kids or asked my husband did he need help to pay a bill or anything (he was paying her phone and all her calling card too)  so i got pissed and flipped out one day called her a selfish bitch and told her enough was enough never ask us for help again bc she proved she doesnt care abt us and then i became the worst person ever......

so we got our house and she did not move with us but a lady she knows, its been 1 year in aug that we have not been living there and now her friend got married and is moving out so she is divoricing her husband after 2 yrs apart and he sold their apt there in colombia and gave her 25,000.   she doesnt want to spend any of it tho and wants my husband to help her with all her moving stuff, including putting his name on everything since she doesnt have papers.   she has been watching an elderly lady on the wkends for $ but now she is going to be living alone and miami is not cheap so i dont kno what shes going to do.

so her an my husband got in a fight bc she only calls him to BITCH about how fcked up is her life, he husband 'left her' when really she ;left him, she cant live with juan bc of me, she has no car no papers.  an hes like well i have problems too and u never even ask me about my 3 children or abt me you only btch abt your life. (BTW, since we moved here last aug she has only seen the kids a handful of times on her choice bc i have offered to drive them to see her but she sais shes 'busy'.)     but then he wants to fight with me saying i dont understand how fcked up it is for her since she cant drive or get her papers and im like i get it, but its her choice, now she needs to live with it.    ****is that mean of me*** bc he sais im being cold toward her bc of everything weve been thru and i want her to fail. thats not true, i just dont want her stressing him out with her problems she brought on herself, which that stress trickles down to the kidsa nd me.

im scared this lady is gonna cause drama 4ever, what is she gonna do when her 25000 is gone???

and what hurt me the most is she talked alota crap abt me to their family and friends in colombia so now everyone there has the wrong idea abt me, and im almost like ashamed/embarrased to go there now wondering what have they heard abt me?   im sure alota exagirated (sp?) stuff. when before i was so excited to go bc im really into colombian culture.      we eat colombian food, i try to speak spanish with the kids, ect.

i need serious  help with my mil....

by on May. 19, 2012 at 7:14 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Amada
by Gina on May. 19, 2012 at 7:25 PM
Honestly, if dh isn't on your side or can't even see your point of view, your gonna have a hard time. Try talking to him again appealing to his heart and compassion for you. God luck mama.
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karladiego
by Karla on May. 19, 2012 at 7:30 PM

Wow! That was long, I would have to say first of all it is good you guys separated from her....when people are that complicated and bring so much drama then you need to stay away and it is sad because she's your hubby's mom but hey...looks like she wants an easy life with your hardwork and that's not fair. I'm all for supporting and helping your elderly parents but in this case she's obviously trying to take advantage. As for the family in Colombia, you don't need to feel embarrassed or ashamed because you have done nothing wrong, if the subject comes up then you and your hubby can easily explain everything and that's it, just the plain truth without badmouthing your MIL.

I feel you about sharing a place, I did it with my aunt and she's a slob...I love her to death but I can't stand ppl taking advantage of me and you shouldn't either.

kissykissy3
by Member on May. 19, 2012 at 7:42 PM

thank you ladies for your responces, it was so long bc im not really one to complane abt my life to family/friends so this is actually one of the 1st time i got all this off my chest,        i do feel like she is taking advantage of my husband and hes kinda been almost brainwashed to believe its ok,        and i dont mind helping out family (mine or his)   but if they dont show they want to help us or our kids then i dont see why we should help them.   but she is the expert to make him feel like he has to help her no matter what simply bc she gave birth to him and 'raised' him,   when my husband is the 1st one to say he spent most his time with family member and family friends and not really his mom because she put him off on people

twobells
by Orfelinda on May. 19, 2012 at 8:25 PM

Try not to let every conversation be about your MIL. See if you could start doing other things with your DH and kids to keep from having you MIL control all your life. Maybe if you distract your DH he will stop thinking of his mother all the time. I think his family back home is familiar with your MIL bad habits and won't believe everything she says. Especially if she was not there for her husband when he was sick. Try to be nice to her even if you have to fake it that way she will start looking like the bad guy. Good Luck.

JeannetteG
by Jeannette-AZ/Mex on May. 20, 2012 at 6:47 AM


Quoting karladiego:

Wow! That was long, I would have to say first of all it is good you guys separated from her....when people are that complicated and bring so much drama then you need to stay away and it is sad because she's your hubby's mom but hey...looks like she wants an easy life with your hardwork and that's not fair. I'm all for supporting and helping your elderly parents but in this case she's obviously trying to take advantage. As for the family in Colombia, you don't need to feel embarrassed or ashamed because you have done nothing wrong, if the subject comes up then you and your hubby can easily explain everything and that's it, just the plain truth without badmouthing your MIL.

I feel you about sharing a place, I did it with my aunt and she's a slob...I love her to death but I can't stand ppl taking advantage of me and you shouldn't either.

I agree with Karla.

kissykissy3
by Member on May. 20, 2012 at 7:24 AM

thanks, thats really good advise!, i also wonder sometimes if their family there knows abt her well enough to know she probably had started alot of the problems we were having.   I know she was telling people 'see this is why i told juan dont marry an american they break up families, this girl just wants to keep me from him, she wont let me live with them and i dont have anywhere to go and she doesnt care, shes a hearless bitch, ect'   and telling ppl all the things she believes i do wrong with my kids and im a bad mom, but i sometimes wonder if ppl are like if shes so bad so why hes still with her???

also, i am polite to her whenever i see her i hand her the baby, i tell my 2 and 4 year old to giver her a hug and kiss and i give her space to spend time with them. but it is very rare bc she has no desire to spend time with my kids, even tho she claims them as her reason for staying here. she doesnt call them on the phone or send them a letter or present.   i feel bad for my 2 and 4 year old bc it hurts them, my mom who lives in ohio has seen/talked to them more then her when she lives an hr away and my mom is 24hrs away.

and for me its sad to bc i didnt want this relationship with my MIL and part of why i fell in love with my husband was his culture and all he talked up abt the gramas and i didnt hardly see my gramas so i was excited for that and it didnt happen :(

Quoting twobells:

Try not to let every conversation be about your MIL. See if you could start doing other things with your DH and kids to keep from having you MIL control all your life. Maybe if you distract your DH he will stop thinking of his mother all the time. I think his family back home is familiar with your MIL bad habits and won't believe everything she says. Especially if she was not there for her husband when he was sick. Try to be nice to her even if you have to fake it that way she will start looking like the bad guy. Good Luck.


ana326
by Ana-Mexicana on May. 20, 2012 at 10:08 AM
2 moms liked this
Aww I'm sorry you have a horrible mil. It's good you seperated and keep it that way. I think deep down your husband knows she did cause a lot of problems but I'm sure je feels on the fence about it cause on one hand there's his mother and on another It's you and his kids.
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kissykissy3
by Member on May. 20, 2012 at 10:28 AM

yea, hes deff caught in the middle.     i feel bad for him about that.  i know it must be hard for him an i really try to be sensitive to hiim whenever we talk about his mom, but no matter what i say it seems to get turned around to me not understanding how hard it is for her and he gets really defensive and i just get turned into the bad guy.    its hard on our marriage and both of us as individuals.   i want her in our kids life but sometimes i just wish she would have went back to colombia so we dont have to deal with all her drama she brings to us ya know?...

Quoting ana326:

Aww I'm sorry you have a horrible mil. It's good you seperated and keep it that way. I think deep down your husband knows she did cause a lot of problems but I'm sure je feels on the fence about it cause on one hand there's his mother and on another It's you and his kids.


Montylyn
by Member on May. 20, 2012 at 3:25 PM

You know hun, you had too much to handle and I hate to say it but since your not Columbian, sometimes they tend to not get along with American's Style living. I just don't understand that about people that want to live here and still think their ways should not change. Now it's a shame that MIL doesn't do anything to help you when she was there...your husband needs to see how important it is for him to see EXACTLY what your MIL is doing and has done to the both of you..one thing for sure they are VERY close to their mom..and I hate that too.. the one advice I have for you is to keep your MIL as far as you can and that's the only way you will not have problems. Don't feel bad for feeling the way you do because at least you think about your family and he's thinking about her...well, he has no reason why he should pay a single penny now that she has her own money..I wish you the best...hugs,Linda

Quoting kissykissy3:

so we moved in with them, his dad was sick with something i cant spell but ill try-  pulminary fibrosis,    so he was not working.   his brother was holding down the apt all he bills ect and not to happy abt it   (he doesnt really get along with his parents which is why they depend on my husband so much, hes their 'good son')          so when we moved there my husband and his bro began to split all the bills 50/50, except food we bought all the food for everyone.   

so then his dad went back to colombia bcuz he has a health insurance there. his wife chose to stay here in case he died she would not be alone there with out my husband and the kids (my BIL does have a son there but they have not seen him in years, they talk on the phone occasionaly)  so now its my MIL, BIL, husband my 6 month old i had in ohio, and my 1st born who was now 2  and me living in a small 2 bedroom apt. my BIL was sleeping on the couch and my family sleeping in the smaller 2nd bedroom and my MIL sleeping in the master with the bathroom. so my BIL couldnt catch any good jobs and my husband was paying everything (1300 rent, 200 electric bcuz they kept the ac on alll day really cold,  all the food, 300 for a storage with our stuff)   my MIL still refused to watch the kids for me even when i would go to the laundrymat with 2 little kids and she would even ask me to bring her stuff there to wash,    she stopped cleaning the floor, kitchen after she cooked (she cooked the meals for her and bil and i cooked for my fam bcuz we eat a lil diffrent then bil who is super picky)    bathroom, balcony, everything and expected me to do it saying she was not a slave, when i dont believe she was ever treated as one.  

then we all started fighting and my husband basically took her side, so then i was like ok so im supposed to be the 'slave' here? it should be even like i clean the floor 1 day her the next same with the bathroom and everyone should clean the kitchen when they are done eating/cooking.       but it never happened like that. so the next yr was just fighting between my husband and me and between her and ,y husband. i was also preg somewhere in the middle of this bcuz we finally moved out not even a month before he was born.     so i revolted after a while and stoppped to clean the floor to see how long it would take her to do it, she never did. so i gave up  and did it all the time same with all the cleaning. and the fighting continued bc anytime i would try to talk to hubby abt it he would get SOOOOOO defensive of his mom like shes alone and bla blabla.

so my FIL got a surgery there in colombia and i thought MIL would go to be with him but she decided to stay here, basically seperating from him without really saying it. and she really thought she was going to move in with us when we got our house, but i said no. bcuz she never wants to help me with the kids not even one time adn she wants to be treated like a princess adn ask my husband to take her to the salon and PAY when we dont have money for me to do it!!!!   when i confront him about that he said well she is colombian and they need to go to the salon its just the way the woman are there, i was like are u kidding me! i have 2 kids preg i wanna go and have a day to get my nails done too, and bc im AMERICAN i dont need it??????        so anyway she found a lady in her church to move in with and my husband and me went to therapy bc i thought we were gonna end seperated if he didnt open his eyes to that he was helping him mom more then me and the kids.      

she was getting money every month from her husnad and i knew when she got her 400bucks bc she was at the mall the next couple days and never got anything for the kids or asked my husband did he need help to pay a bill or anything (he was paying her phone and all her calling card too)  so i got pissed and flipped out one day called her a selfish bitch and told her enough was enough never ask us for help again bc she proved she doesnt care abt us and then i became the worst person ever......

so we got our house and she did not move with us but a lady she knows, its been 1 year in aug that we have not been living there and now her friend got married and is moving out so she is divoricing her husband after 2 yrs apart and he sold their apt there in colombia and gave her 25,000.   she doesnt want to spend any of it tho and wants my husband to help her with all her moving stuff, including putting his name on everything since she doesnt have papers.   she has been watching an elderly lady on the wkends for $ but now she is going to be living alone and miami is not cheap so i dont kno what shes going to do.

so her an my husband got in a fight bc she only calls him to BITCH about how fcked up is her life, he husband 'left her' when really she ;left him, she cant live with juan bc of me, she has no car no papers.  an hes like well i have problems too and u never even ask me about my 3 children or abt me you only btch abt your life. (BTW, since we moved here last aug she has only seen the kids a handful of times on her choice bc i have offered to drive them to see her but she sais shes 'busy'.)     but then he wants to fight with me saying i dont understand how fcked up it is for her since she cant drive or get her papers and im like i get it, but its her choice, now she needs to live with it.    ****is that mean of me*** bc he sais im being cold toward her bc of everything weve been thru and i want her to fail. thats not true, i just dont want her stressing him out with her problems she brought on herself, which that stress trickles down to the kidsa nd me.

im scared this lady is gonna cause drama 4ever, what is she gonna do when her 25000 is gone???

and what hurt me the most is she talked alota crap abt me to their family and friends in colombia so now everyone there has the wrong idea abt me, and im almost like ashamed/embarrased to go there now wondering what have they heard abt me?   im sure alota exagirated (sp?) stuff. when before i was so excited to go bc im really into colombian culture.      we eat colombian food, i try to speak spanish with the kids, ect.

i need serious  help with my mil....


SUPLY
by New Member on May. 21, 2012 at 8:24 AM
I have a somehow similar situation in my family. What I try to do is not to talk bad about my housbands family to him on any situation. And on my kids party, my husbands birthdays partys, and Christmas I just take deep breaths and invite them all and since theres other people around it is easier for me to be with them as I try to talk to others but I still include everyone in pictures, I get sure they eat and are well attended. On weekends from time to time I make a large breakfast and invite them all. I think that way we get to see them enough my husband somehow is satisfied and my children also get to be around their grandma and grandpa. It is not easy they are very intense people, they always have big problems (in their minds) they are always out of money (but they travel every year) they are always feeling sick so they spend alot of time going to different doctors and having health tests done but I dont see any treatments for deseases. So I know by heart what you mean. Just take deep breaths and be sure she is allways going to be this way and surely it will get worse but your kids are going to grow your husband is going to get used to the fact that she is not bringing any possitive situation in his life and things with time will get better. Hang in there and do not loose your marriage over this situation. Blessings for your family.
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