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My SO is a drill instructor to my DD instead of a father!!

Posted by on Jun. 17, 2012 at 10:27 AM
  • 11 Replies

Ughhh!!!! I'm so angry here I go again!!

My DD is not my SO biological child.. he was introduced to her at age 3 she is now 5. I am pregnant with his first due in november. 

The issue: I find myself constantly having to "talk" to my SO when it comes to how he talks to my DD. Yes.. he plays with her and buys her things.. yes she smiles and giggles with him, she calls him dad (since her bio father has never been in the picture). But for example, yesturday my DD dropped a putty knife on her toe and got a cut that was approx. 1" in length but not deep at all. Something that just required a quick soup and water wash off followed by a bandaid... well my parents and aunt keep nagging me to take her to the ER bc the knife was rusty and very dirty. So to please them and my DD who wanted to go as well.. I took her. My SO got there just in time to drive us.. as he looked back to check out the cut I said "becareful it hurts her" and he replied very loudly "I KNOW IT HURTS! I didn't realize it was you who got cut!" and proceeded to tell my DD "WHY ARE YOU CRYING!!?? stop crying! it's just a little cut! your not dying!"

I flipped out!! Everytime she hurts herself he yells at her to stop crying. I understand that he has to be the one who is the tougher of the two parents and all but there is never a form of comfort for her when she truly needs it. She scared and hurt..the least he could do is tell her the same thing but in a comforting way!

To make things worse... he is a MARINE!! I see how he is with his family and their kids.. and everytime the 2 year old falls he babys her!! or the 4 year old!! Why can't he baby my DD!!!!!! He's more of a drill instructor to my child and my brother approves of it! My brother is also military and has no kids...

I get mad at my SO and tell him that when his first BIOLOGICAL child comes along things are going to be so different. I know it in my heart that he will be more attentive and not so harsh on him/her.

He says he will be the same. But I don't think he understands. yea hes dad to my DD but he has never been a father.

I am so damn frustrated with him!! Its killing our relationship!!!

When I talk to him about it he changes abit with her.. but after a fewdays he goes back to his old self..and I have to keep bitching.

He says his dad was that hard with him and that is why he is the man he is and why he pushed himself so hard to be where he is at in life. And I understand that but I HATE his parenting "skills". We clash when it comes to decision making for my DD.

Ughhh... horrible day!   

by on Jun. 17, 2012 at 10:27 AM
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Replies (1-10):
JerseyAirGurl
by Member on Jun. 17, 2012 at 11:11 PM
1 mom liked this
Honestly you need to bring up the fact that you do not like his parenting skills and how he only changes for a little bit. It sounds like you need to have that deep convo quick. Because what if he changes and treats DD different from the child you are having together. You need to decide together if you are going to parent together and compromise on how to deal with your children. My husband is a marine... and I'm expecting our first in Oct... he knows that the whole suck it up thing is not something I'm going to allow.... he needs to be sensitive and caring. Hope it gets better.
PinkButterfly66
by on Jun. 18, 2012 at 2:38 PM
1 mom liked this

He needs to read some parenting books and you need to keep reminding him that she is a CHILD and he has absolutely no right to infer that she should not be feeling pain.  It is her body and he has absolutely no idea what she is feeling.  If she is crying, he should assume it hurts and she's feeling fearful.  

Tell him to stop being an idiot and read some parenting books because he SUCKS at it now!

twobells
by Orfelinda on Jun. 18, 2012 at 7:50 PM

Your daughter needs you to be her voice and be there for her. I am sure you are and right now it is time to have a more serious conversation with your  SO. Even though he is raising her you need to tell him what is okay and what is not. Her real dad is not in the picture so you don't want to have some other male figure talking to her that way. What is she going to say growing up? My real dad did not want to be part of my life and the one that did was mean to me. You already know it is wrong and you do not approve so it needs to stop.

My DH help raise my three older kids, but that would not be something I would allow. And believe me it is hard you just have to set your boundaries and do not ever let him cross that. I now have a 2 year old with my DH and I could tell the difference. Lucky for me my kids are older and can not see the difference. Good luck.

aliciajacinta
by on Jun. 19, 2012 at 8:07 AM

When a father is or was a military man,chances are that his attitude will be ruff,the Marine cord or trained to be tough in everything ,but some men do take things and treat everyone as there own group,more so if that military person has been to some kind of war. I know because in my family we are considered a full  military family,,as past present and future. And our family consists of Marines,air force ,army and my father was navy.When we were growing up our home life was run very military,we learned to make our beds  had to be made that if you dropped a coin on it ,it was suppose to jump.Sit down and talk to him and explain to him or what you approve and now you do not approve as to how he handles your family.Then go and talk to his family and get a feel of how they feel,when he talks to them in that same manner

micasterling
by on Jun. 19, 2012 at 10:28 AM

My SO has been the same for 7 years with me asking hime to stop for 7 years!  Therapy might help but I suffered for years trying to CHANGE him..  He has come a long way but the temper will always be there.  He needs meds but don't end up going after we fight.  I wouldn't wait too long to see a change.  Although the progress of the kids being yelled at has lessened, when the temper is flaring- he don't hear me at all.  I always hear, "I am trying", well, I am soooo sick of it, I am mean to him and don't care much anymore.  He is really good tp me except for the kids, it is confusing- but wrong!  If you are younger, I would really evaluate your life because you could lose years like i did.  Good luck momma!

RedKiss
by on Jun. 20, 2012 at 12:07 AM

My husband is a Military Training Intructor too. We are newly weds and he has 2 older boys and I have one daughter from a previous marriage.  Just the other day I had the same problem with him acting like a Drill Sergeant to my 6 year old.  I had asked him to watch her in the evenings while I attended meetings.  He said he would but one night right before I left he was talking to me and she was trying to interrupt him and he shouted really loud for her to "shut up"  and she runs off crying to her room. I told him that I was upset at the way he yelled at her and felt that he was not treating her like his own child and that I didn't feel comfortable leaving her with him.  I told him that I had not witnessed him act that way towards his own kids, they basically got away with whatever they wanted in my eyes. His response is because he taught them manners the same way he was trying to teach her. The kids only live with us in the summer so this is first time he has spent more than just a few days with her.  I wish that he was more playful and caring because I see how he interacts with his friends daughters in more of a playful manner.  It's like he has to be constantly teaching her a lesson.  But after I had that talk with him he really has been trying harder to be more patient with her and talk to her rather than scream at her.  I think the main thing is that you two get on the same page.  The reason he was so mean towards her was because of her bad attitude and manners.  He wanted me to create sort of a chore chart and incorporate manners into it as well.  Once he that both my daughter and I were working hard on it he started working just as hard.  I don't know if its just a military thing or what.

                                                                           hugs

JeannetteG
by Jeannette-AZ/Mex on Jun. 20, 2012 at 7:00 AM

YIKES!!!! Well hopefully he lightens up seeing that his BIO KID will be here soon and you know how that goes. Poor DD I hope she doesn't feel left out. You really need to make sure you talk to him about this.

NADIA-R
by NADIA on Jun. 20, 2012 at 7:45 PM
He needs to change his attitude towards your DD before your baby comes things will only get worse believe me. I wish I could tell you the magic potion or spell to make him understand or change but I really don't know. Men sometimes can be so hard headed and even talking doesn't seem to work. Maybe if you can get another male to talk to him maybe his bro, cousin someone he trusts.
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zurisadday
by New Member on Jul. 6, 2012 at 5:37 PM

Maybe,because he is a POG?,and never sean combat,and he is trying to be tough for once...he sounds like a Joke.He should treat your DD like the "child" she is.-SMH.

JerseyAirGurl
by Member on Jul. 6, 2012 at 6:57 PM
1 mom liked this
You are rude and assume too much.

Quoting zurisadday:

Maybe,because he is a POG?,and never sean combat,and he is trying to be tough for once...he sounds like a Joke.He should treat your DD like the "child" she is.-SMH.

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