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MAMAS LATINAS MAMAS LATINAS

ladies who are seperated or divorced i need advice.

Posted by on Jun. 22, 2012 at 1:49 PM
  • 9 Replies
So I think it's the beginning of the end :( I didn't want this but my husband's actions have pushed us apart. I wont go into full details since I'm mobile but will have more to add once I'm on the computer.
I need to talk to someone that has gone through it. Like how did it go? Was it amicable or a total train wreck? How did you tell your kids? Do you share custody or not? Do you live in the same area/state? How was it at first? Does it get easier ad time goes on?
I just think it's time to let it go. It's gonna hurt but I know no pain lasts forever. :( Thanks for listening and thanks for input in advance. I just need a friend right now.
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by on Jun. 22, 2012 at 1:49 PM
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Replies (1-9):
NADIA-R
by NADIA on Jun. 22, 2012 at 2:01 PM

 I'm sorry girl that you have to go though this. I have been divorced. my ex and I used to talk about it before it happened how we would work out so things would go smooth. that was a bunch of bull. You never really know him until you are getting divorced and I'm not trying to scare you just to let you open your eyes. have a plan A plan B and even plan C just in case things get ugly. I told my kids pretty much the same day and thats not how I wanted it to be. but he pushed me to that point. we had so many court dates over tuped things. in the end we share custody they are with me all the time he has visitation rights. it does get easier. my kids took it well. I used to feel sorry for him at times but that soon went away he became a heartless man. get all the legal advice you can in your area. stash some money away you will need it.sorry if I was to random its a long story to tell in a few lines.

ebmb03
by Member on Jun. 22, 2012 at 2:08 PM

 First i want to say, "I'm sorry, you have to go through this".  Is there a chance that maybe you guys can go to couples therapy? Yes, it does hurt, but you have to be strong for your kids.  We are in speaking terms, we also remarried other people.  We have 50/50,custody, but you will always have your kids, unless otherwise.  My daughter was 3, but she understands now why we divorced.  My ex and my hubby are both in the military, so yes, we are states apart.   However, his wife's family lives in Texas, where we are now, so, when they visit, he comes and picks her up.

You will cry for a while wondering "why", but don't let your children see you.  Kids usually tend to feel our pain, be strong for you and for them.  You know, like the saying goes...When one door closes, God opens another.  Keep yourself busy with work and kids.  One thing i have learned, have fun with your children, do not dwell over him and neglect them.  If you need to chat, I am here, as well as other sisters.

karladiego
by Karla on Jun. 22, 2012 at 2:45 PM

Been there Zayra, if you want to talk just pm me. If you have done everything possible to try to fix things in your relationship and you think there is nothing else to do then you have to be strong because the next steps are hard, it's going to hurt but you need to think of your kids and be strong for them. Mine was a train wreck, my kid wa very young so everytime he asked for daddy he was told he would see him over the weekend, now he is 8 and he knows that mom and dad had problems while being together and that in order to solve those problems we had to stay apart. We have joint custody, we live in the same area but I do have residential custody which means if I decide to move anywhere in the US he can't say anything about it.

And you are absolutely right, the pain doesn't last forever.

dinahrp
by Dinah on Jun. 22, 2012 at 3:23 PM

Be strong mama.  So sorry to hear this.  I left my ex when my girls were 4 and 2.  We split on bad terms though and he was an ass.  I hope since you guys are older things stay amicable between you two.  You have 4 kids right?  Have you thought about where you will work?  Are you keeping the house?  Get a lawyer and file for full custody FIRST.  That is so important.  Stash as much money as you can.  If he was supporting you he may be ordered to pay alimony as well as cs.  Even though my ex was an ass when we split, I felt relieved, free.  Like for the first time in my life I could breathe and be who I wanted to be, do the things I wanted and pursue all my goals full force ahead.  I don't regret it.  I was able to grow and it went GREAT for my girls and I.  Honestly, the only hard part for me was all his ignorance, imaturity and drama.  I ended up leaving the state to get away from him and his family.  They don't get to see my kids, as they are a bad influence.  Be strong, and anytime you want to talk I;m here.  I'll pray for you.

momma_814
by Zayra-Mexicana on Jun. 22, 2012 at 3:48 PM
Thanks ladies. Yes, I have mentioned councling and but he says he doesn't want someone else telling him what he needs to do. He's a really ass when it comes to things like that. I have tried to do what I can to make it work but it's hard when I'm the only one willing to take the steps. I have goals and he has none. I want things and he wants nothing. I have ambition and he doesn't. I've asked him what he wants in 5 yrs. And he says I don't know. But I want to have a nice house a new car. I just really want to be stable and not have to worry about him holding me back.
Instead of trying to help me better myself he's always so negative and mean.He's just turned bitter and mean and rude. I don't want to live with someone like that. I just wanna be happy.
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mstrendygirl
by Irene-Mexicana on Jun. 22, 2012 at 6:43 PM

 So sorry you have to go through this zayra no man should make there women feel like that. you can only do so much and if your giving and giving and he isnt giving you anything in return than why force it.have you asked him why he is that way. have you guys tried discussing what he doesnt like that you do or what you dont like that he does and how to make it better. men can be stubborn sometimes. and not know how to truly express themselves. has he always been that way?maybe take some time just the two of you with nobody around and just lay it all on the table. and let him know what you feel. and tell him what you want in you marriage and see what he wants and if he comes up with no feedback in trying to make it work. just know that you gave it your all. and it's his lost not your's. i know it will take some time to overcome it but i believe god wont give you more than you can handle.  you just have to do whats best for you and your kids. best of luck zayra i hope that everything works out for you and just know we all are here for you. (((HUGS))

Quoting momma_814:

Thanks ladies. Yes, I have mentioned councling and but he says he doesn't want someone else telling him what he needs to do. He's a really ass when it comes to things like that. I have tried to do what I can to make it work but it's hard when I'm the only one willing to take the steps. I have goals and he has none. I want things and he wants nothing. I have ambition and he doesn't. I've asked him what he wants in 5 yrs. And he says I don't know. But I want to have a nice house a new car. I just really want to be stable and not have to worry about him holding me back.
Instead of trying to help me better myself he's always so negative and mean.He's just turned bitter and mean and rude. I don't want to live with someone like that. I just wanna be happy.

 

twobells
by Orfelinda on Jun. 22, 2012 at 8:15 PM

I wish things could be different for you. Start writing everything down that you do not like about your relationship. Start going down the list and see if you have mention it to him and how he responded to it. Any thing that you have not mention to him talk to him and see what he says. I think it is important for you to say to your kids now or later that you did everything to save your marriage. Plus it helps you move on knowing that you did your part and truly this was for the best for you and your kids.

I left my husband and father to my three older kids a long time ago. And even though I am now with someone else there is times that I ask myself what went wrong and if I was the one to blame. It is hard cause even though he was abusive and a drunk it will always be a bad time of my life that affected me. It is hard to trust another man and then to trust another man with my kids. When he picked up the kids for the first time with his new girlfriend I thought I was going to die. I asked myself why did it work out for her and not me? Did I make him this unhappy that made him be abusive? There will be a lot of emotions you will go through. And you just have to go through all of them let yourself mourn the death of you marriage. One day you will wake up and realize you have not thought of him or cried.

When we split up we were real good friends. We did birthday parties together, did all the kids sport games together and holidays together. It was the perfect break up. Then we moved and he became a total jerk not even paying his child support. So always be ready for anything, he might be nice one day and a jerk the next. Try to be ready for all this. I never thought that I would have to share my kids, that there would be Christmas without them. Lucky for me he stopped seeing them and that was not something I had to do.

You are strong and can accomplish all your goals. I wish you all the best.

NADIA-R
by NADIA on Jun. 22, 2012 at 10:51 PM
After reading your reply and the other ladies. I agree with them give it a last look. Maybe he is in sleep pilot mode whre he thinks you are not going anywhre so he is not a bit worried about what he says or does. Tell him your seriously looking into divorcing him. And if he still won't budge take a week off. Yeah pack your bags your kids and go stay with a family member or even a hotel. Sometimes men don't get it until it hits them on the head. Take that time to think about it sometimes we can't think right either. I. Know me I also think back about why didn't I try harder with my ex why didn't we try this or that. I'm remarried now but sometimes I feel like I divorced a 10 year old and married a 5 year old. I also want to run at times but not until I feel that I did all I could.
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JeannetteG
by Jeannette-AZ/Mex on Jun. 24, 2012 at 10:31 AM

Best of luck to you Zayra. Maybe you need to scare him with a separation? 

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