About Me (a.k.a. Welcome to Crazyland) . . . w/ TWO UPDATES and a CONCLUSION
I m/c before conceiving my DS, who just turned 21 months. MY DH and I are ttc #2 and things aren't clicking as quickly as they did when we conceived the little one we lost or our DS. We started ttc in November 2009 though I had many stresses that derailed some of our months of trying.
The past couple of months, I've focused on being relaxed. Just enjoy life and family and my career, try to do good in the world (acts of kindness and positivity), and let the baby chips fall as they may. I have been doing very well. 2ww hasn't even gotten to me--until today.
I'm currently on CD 28 (Sun, 6/13) and have somewhat recently gone to a 30-31 day cycle. Today, I had to start talking myself out of POAS (I purposely don't keep any in the house). This is where my m/c experience haunts me. I worry about seeing a BFP and then having it taken from me.
What got to me today is a combo of cramps and nausea. Believe me: I know very well that wanting to be pregnant can get a gal to start having faux symptoms. But then my mind started playing, "What if. . . ?" and then I started to get antsy and anxious and a bit scared. Then I started feeling a crazy fear of disappointment: don't POAS so you won't be disappointed by a BFN! What if you get a BFP and m/c again--you'll be disappointed! I feel more than slightly insane.
I'm feeling hella emotional right now, too, which is very PMS-ish, if you ask me. I keep wanting to cry and have a headache from that about-to-cry-no-wait-don't-cry! move I have been pulling today. My boobs were tender/sore earlier (a week ago), but that has passed (very little tenderness now), which makes me think something odd was in the air last week.
So where does this leave me? I'm sitting here typing and trying to give myself a pep talk. I don't want to get my hopes up, so I keep bracing for AF, but then I have visions of The Secret run through my head (self deprecating "LOL" here), so I start trying to be optimistic. And then I worry that I am building castles in the clouds (are you seeing a vicious cycle?). . . . I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to think--or how to stop myself from feeling or wanting to gag.
So what would you do if you were in my crazy-ass shoes? Sane me tries to talk to crazy me, but there seems to be a language barrier. So I'd much rather hear from someone else.
Thanks for reading this much too long post.
After work yesterday (Tuesday, 6/15/10), I decided to stop by the drugstore closest to my home and buy an HPT. They were sold out of FRER, so I wound up buying a CVS 3-pack of tests that are supposed to be comparable to FRER (according to the box and the lady at the pharmacy). At 4:25 a.m. this morning, I tested with FMU . . . and got a faint second line. I mean FAINT. As in "I thought I was going to FAINT because I was holding my breath for fear that breathing on that stupid line would blow it clear away!"
Okay, so I don't have the cool camera that can zoom in on the test and still take a clear photo, so I couldn't share a photo, which was fitting, since I always told myself I wouldn't go that route. In the end: if you see a line, you see it. That's what I like to preach. And there it was: very watercolor-y pale (almost like a shadow, but you could see color).
Now here's what burns my butt: the stinkin' CVS tests are BLUE DYE. I have never had a problem with blue dye tests, but I've so many stories about them giving "false positives" that I had a serious "DOH!" moment. (Hi, Paranoia? It's me, Nikki. . . .)
So where does this leave me? Well, like a crazy insane freak I actually put my little cup o' pee into the fridge (don't worry: it's covered and contained so that no one will mistake it for funky lemonade). I am debating whether to hunt down some FRER and test after work--or just wait and test tomorrow morning or this weekend. I dunno. YOUR THOUGHTS? SERIOUSLY. I WOULD LOVE OPINIONS HERE. I"M ALSO GONNA POST IN THE TTC GROUP BECAUSE I AM EXHAUSTED AND NEED TO TALK THIS THROUGH WITH OTHERS.
BTW, I shared with my mom (not even my DH--because I don't want to get his hopes up). I also shared that I have been having some mild cramps and that I peed and saw a small (I mean tiny) bit of brown. This gets me thinking of loss (I know, I know--not necessarily. But we've all been in this boat of nuttiness, right?). My mom was great--the perfect blend of hopeful/excited and comforting. So we'll see, I guess.
UPDATE #2: Okay, I am having more brownish discharge (I slapped a pantyliner on, so I could see what was happening). I have spotted before, then bled, and then miscarried. And I have spotted before and then it stopped and I had a successful pregnancy. But you all know that something like this makes the mind immediately jump to worst case scenarios. I am feeling extremely wiped out right now.
CONCLUSION: Sorry for the delay. On Wednesday night, I had to travel out of town to attend to a number of family engagements and didn't return until late Sunday night.
When last I posted, I was playing Detective Nikki on the Case of the Missing Flow . . . following the trail of brownish CM and faint blue lines to an unknown conclusion. Well, that brownish CM was a rascal--playing hide and seek through Wednesday, 6/16, and Thursday, 6/17. At times, that darn CM disappeared and I lost the trail completely.
I decided that I would wait until Saturday, 6/19, to test again and purposely did not buy any FRER so I would have to wait. Like many of you, I will POAS if any stick is available. No, let's be very frank: I can turn into a POAS addict. Seriously, I'd pee on a celery stick, chopstick, chapstick, broomstick, if I got on a roll and heard some old wives tale/urban legend that doing so would get me sure-fire results (like the chopsticks forming a plus sign if positive or stabbing me in the eye if negative). You know you would, too! Dude: crack is whack and pee is glee! It's a pee party! URINE-vited! Woo hoo! . . . ((shaking head)) Excuse me . . . ahem . . . moving on . . . .
On Thursday night, I stayed up late to do some work and was up until 1:30 a.m. Friday morning writing a report to email into work ahead of deadline (yes, I can be a workaholic). When I logged off, somewhat delirious yet overstimulated from cranking the brain into high gear for a few hours, I was a little loopy. I went to the restroom, started peeing, then thought, "I should POAS!!!" Okay, clearly the thought came too late because I was in the midst of a gigantic pee and you know you can't kegel those to a halt. I'm talking about the kind of pee you have when you hold back for an hour to get work done, then have to ease into when you finally hit the toilet, lest you turn into a sprinkler head and shoot down the whole bathroom (why does that happen--the whole "spray the world" pee?). So I am in the midst of this killer pee and freaking out because I am wasting the pee (since it had been over 4 hours since I'd last peed, so it could be considered FMU), and I couldn't do a darn thing about it. After I finished, I actually sat there, looked between my legs and into the toilet, and thought, "What if I dip the stick in . . .?" Yeah, totally irrational frame of mind. But, let's face it: brain dead at 1:30 a.m. usually gets you to do stupid ass things--like dipping a test stick into a pee-filled toilet or baking and eating a whole pan of brownies or starting to scrub your tub because you happened to notice some soap scum that cannot wait until morning to die or drinking a glass of wine while watching "Under the Tuscan Sun" and hoping you will have naughty Italian dreams of Marcello (yum yum).
But I digress! I got so irrationally upset over the lost pee (that I wasn't even planning to test until Saturday) that I ran to my parents' paper goods cupboard to find a disposable cup. I placed it on my nightstand to remind myself to pee in it and decided to aim for 7 a.m. Then I went to bed.
I woke at 5:30 a.m., thanks to my DS (21 months), who is a morning person like me. We were singing in bed when it hit: awful cramps. Felt like someone was twisting my abdomen and lower lady areas--wringing them out like a wet towel. I tried to ignore the cramping. Within a half hour, I felt some wetness. I was laying down, so I immediately bolted from bed to the restroom. While on the toilet, the horror movie hit. I will refrain from gory details . . . other than to say I was reminded of raw liver.
I tend to have heavy-ish AFs, but Friday began an "AF" that was quite heavy and on the clumpy side. Cramping was also wicked and continues to today (though the severity has subsided).
Unfortunately for anyone who is curious about the reliability of blue dye tests, I didn't test with FRER, so I have no basis for comparison for my faint blue line. However, I have used blue dye tests before and never got a false positive. In this instance, I have no reason to think I experienced a false positive. My opinion: I think the faint line was owing to a fertilized egg that had implanted, but was not viable and pretty quickly stopped developing. My mom and DH (yes, I shared info with him on Wednesday en route to the airport) share my belief.
Thankfully, I am not experiencing a sense of loss the way I did when I had my [first] m/c. That m/c happened a little later (if this was a m/c, I was very early--at the end of week 4/beginning of week 5)--and I knew definitively that I was pregnant for a little longer, which had me very emotionally invested (though I think we women can get very emotionally invested in pregnancy in a heartbeat).
Don't get me wrong: I was (and am) disappointed. But I don't feel a sense of grief and loss. I don't feel crushing sadness. I feel very calm and peaceful--with a sense that things are happening as they need to for a reason I can't yet grasp. And I feel hopeful. That sense of hope and joy I started to feel when I got the faint line remains, which is an amazing gift. TTC had become a bit of a chore. Feeling that hope and joy transforms the experience back to what it used to be--and I am looking forward to this month of BDing. :-)
So, friends, I don't have a positive test stick to share, but I do feel this is a positive outcome--because I FEEL POSITIVE. I hope you all feel positive, too!
Thank you for all your wishes--for the fun replies to my posts/updates, for being cheerleaders, for going on this roller coaster ride with me. YOU are part of the reason I feel so positive and hopeful. It's hard to be down when you have the energy and strength of phenomenal women to lift you up.
Stay tuned for more of my whacky adventures in TTC! I promise to try to be entertaining. LOL!