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How do you deal with the fact that it's just not fair!(kinda got long-sorry!)

Posted by on Aug. 24, 2010 at 1:03 AM
  • 14 Replies

It's been a month since my ectopic was removed, I saw the doc he gave us the green light to TTC again, I was feeling much better, less depressed and looking forward to trying again. Then it happened. 2 weeks after my surgery my SIL said she's preggo with twins, I'm so happy I get to be an Aunt, and she had IVF so I wasn't shocked. Then a week after that my cousin said she's PG again (her ds is 3 months younger than my dd). Then today my MIL says my dh's cousin is also PG again (her dd is 3 months older than my dd).

I am really truly happy for them but I was pregnant before all of them.  I should already be in my 2nd trimester, have had ultrasounds and seen my baby, I should be getting a bump by now. How is it fair that I lost my baby? Why couldn't I keep mine? I know no one can answer my questions. I guess what upsets me the most is that it would have been so much fun to be pregnant with my SIL and cousins at the same time. I feel like I just took a huge slide back. I'm so depressed again. And this weekend we'll be seeing my dh's cousin so I know the conversation will be about her pregnancy. I really want to pretend I'm sick so I don't have to go but its my MIL's 60th b-day. I try and stay focused on my dd but I just want to sleep all day. I'm afraid of having a break down in front of his family. I can't stoip crying.

How do I get through this set back? I've already called my doc for an antidepressant. I dont know what else to do but avoid everyone that's pregnant and I know that's not healthy. Need some tips & advice. Thanks for letting me vent.



Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
by on Aug. 24, 2010 at 1:03 AM
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by on Aug. 24, 2010 at 6:58 AM

 I dont think I really have any tips but I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL!!  My two bff's are pregnant.  One is due 5w before my due date and the other 6 days after.  My cousin (who I am very very close to) is also pregnant and due 4w after my due date.  It breaks my heart that my daughter doesnt get to grow up with their babies.  The due dates are all getting really close and Im not sure if I am ready for it all. 

All I can say is that I PRAY about it a lot!!  I am trusting that God will give me the strength to get through it all.  My boys also give me strength, if it werent for them I know I couldnt do it.  We are also TTC again and I was really hoping we would be pregnant again before all the babies are born but its not looking like that is going to happen (the first baby will be in 3 weeks or less).

I am so sorry!!  I will pray that you get pregnant again very quickly and you will still get to be pregnant with them!

Mommy to three beautilful children! Parker (06/29/05), Paxton (03/01/09), and Payton who was born with her angel wings (05/28/10).

by on Aug. 24, 2010 at 7:12 AM
I'm so sorry mama. My little sister was pregnant at the same time I was and she didn't even want her baby. She thought about abortion. I was so crushed because I wanted my baby and couldn't have him and she didn't even want hers. Thank God she didn't abort, but I always thought about how unfair that was. I told her I would adopt her baby! She ended up keeping her, but part of me really wished she would have let me adopt her because I actually wanted her. On top of all the drama, my DH deployed to Iraq just after our mc so I was torn up about that too. Good luck mama. Give yourself some time to heal and if you don't feel up for family gatherings or seeing pregnant friends, don't go.
I didn't and everyone understood and didn't judge me. Oh and my SIL was pregnant at the same time too and I couldn't even go visit my new nephew without feeling like my heart would explode. He was probably 6 months old before I could see him without hurting. He's 2 now and every time I look at him I think about my baby that should have turned 2 two weeks before he did. :-(
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by on Aug. 24, 2010 at 9:21 AM


Sorry for you loss but I can't give you anytimes because I don't have any. But I really don't know what to really say expect we all understand what your feeling and know what your going thought. If you just try to relax and we are here if you need us.

blowing bubbles            

Cafe Jenn
by on Aug. 24, 2010 at 11:01 AM

I'm sorry for your loss.  The fact that you realize that you are depressed is huge and getting help for it is even bigger.  

There are a lot of whys that have gone through my head.  I found out on Mom's day (2 months after my m/c) that my unmarried sister who is not in the most stable relationship was pregnant with her second baby.  She was very caring about how she told me though.  She did it privately and understood when I told her she sucked.  She finds out tomorrow what she is having, which is exciting but it still does hurt a bit.

by on Aug. 24, 2010 at 11:07 AM

Im so sorry for your loss :(  I know exactly what you mean.  After I lost the baby my cousin announced she was pregnant on facebook and not one person bothered to call or ask me how I was feeling after knowing I had just lost the baby... we didnt have a good relationship to begin with but the the way she acted and how everyone ignored me just showed the true lack of caring and they havent been apart of anything since... then a friend of mine told me she was pregnanct (she got pregnant b/c her husband cheated and she felt if she had another baby,their third, he would leave her)... it was just a string of people... Its so painful and keeps you wondering what you did to not deserve something so wonderful :( Just take it easy and handle it in your own way dont let anyone make you feel bad for being sad... Its good you have acknowledged that you are depressed and you are getting treated... Just hang in there and try to hold on to that excitement you had about TTC again... :)


by on Aug. 24, 2010 at 2:05 PM

Its very good that you called your doc, but I REALLY REALLY suggest getting some therapy. I know, its a hard thing to do but if you can find the right one, it will help so much. You can say anything you want to them, and they can help you work through those feelings. If you have any questions about or need some motivation message me anytime.
It might help in the mean time to journal, especially when you are struggling.
I know its hard I know a few that I would have been pregnant with, but I'm able to avoid being around them for the time being.
We are all here for you, and come here to vent as much as you need.

by on Aug. 24, 2010 at 3:14 PM

As I was reading your questions, I found myself answering silently: 

Q: How is it fair that I lost my baby?

A: It isn't fair.

Q: Why couldn't I keep mine?

A: If you're Christian, you might say that God had another plan. If you're not, you could say it's because life just SUCKS sometimes.

The sad thing is, even if we had answers to all of our "why?" questions, we still wouldn't feel better. We have lost our babies. No answer or explanation can justify the loss or lessen the pain.

I know it's hard to be around other pregnant women. No matter how much we love and are happy for others, it hurts to be reminded of our own losses. I'm glad you've contacted your doc for some help. Would it also be possible to get the support of a counselor who could offer you some coping strategies?

As for your MIL's party: would you feel comfortable approaching your pregnant relatives privately, saying congratulations, telling them you're so happy for them, but asking them for their understanding because you are still dealing with your own loss? You don't need to suffer through stories ad details--and loved ones should be able to be sensitive to your healing.

And, in terms of crying: there's nothing wrong or shameful in that. If you need to, simply excuse yourself from the party or certain groups in the party and find a private place to cry, then compose yourself. Trust me--I know this experience. Shortly after my miscarriage, I attended a dinner at my brother's house, where he and his wife introduced their newborn son to immediate members of both sides of the family. I held my nephew--felt happy, loved him--and then cried for my own loss. Yep, tears came as I held him and in front of everyone. But people knew what I'd experienced and understood. When necessary, I would excuse myself to the restroom for a few deep breaths and some cold water to splash on my face. :-)

I'm so sorry for your loss and all the pain your experiencing. Please know that we are all here for you.

by on Aug. 24, 2010 at 3:56 PM

group hug


by on Aug. 24, 2010 at 4:14 PM

I can certainly understand where you're coming from... and where you are. I have sought, so often, to make sense of just WHY this happened to me.. to any of us.. when there are so many that take the privilege of being a mother for granted. I can imagine how diffcult it must be to continue fighting the battle that you're in while seeing so many other moms-to-be. I've been very fortunate that I haven't had to deal with that nearly as much as you are having to. With the exception of one lady, everyone in my "frame of reference" that has been pregnant has had a miscarriage in the last 6 months. I would prefer not dealing with EITHER situation.. they can both be torturous to someone already dealing with a loss.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you.. to any of us. But I'm most sorry that you're so sad. Please don't blame yourself for being upset. When you need to cry.. cry.. You really do have to allow yourself to go through the steps and phases... And take advantage of those with open arms and strong shoulders who are willing to help you in any way possible.

I agree with Nikki completely. Sending a nice card, even, to those who are expectant to let them know that you aren't avoiding them but could just use a little time to deal with things on your end should be enough to let them know that you care and thought about them, but are just trying to give yourself some time..

Please know that we are here for you... and care deeply. And anytime you need a shoulder, cyber hug, or listening ear... know that we are here...

by on Aug. 24, 2010 at 10:54 PM

Thank you all so very much for the really kind words. I knew you would understand me. Those who have not lost a baby wouldn't. I actually was going to look in my insurance plan for a therapist. I was a therapist so I know how beneficial therapy is but now know how difficult it really was for my clients to make that 1st phone call. I never understood it.

I am Christian, I do pray often but am sometimes mad at God too. I know people say He can only give us what we can handle but I don't think I'm handling this so well. Yet, I try to stay true to Him and ask for His guidance.

Again, thank you all so much for reading my long post and sending me positive thoughts! It made me feel better.

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