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What do you say?

Posted by on Sep. 28, 2010 at 10:20 AM
  • 11 Replies

My hubby and I found out that we were pregnant at the end of July and were so excited! We have a now 5 year old and had been trying since July to conceive.  3 weeks later I had a doctors appt and everything looked good, we were so happy. We told our parents and some of our close friends and then I started bleeding and cramping a few days later. It has been so hard. I made the mistake of telling our little girl I was preg. and then wasn't sure what to tell her so I lied and said I was wrong...Everyone I know and even people I don't know always ask "you only have one?" "when are you going to try for number two?" I'm always tempted to tell them I just had a miscarriage so they will stop badgering me.

To make matters work a woman I work with was due two weeks ahead of me so now all we do at work is talk about her baby and I get bummed about it, secretly of course. They ask if it bothers me but I don't think she should have to contain her happiness so my feelings don't get hurt. My hubby doesn't understand this last bit, and I don't know why it bothers me just does. 

Thanks for listening! I just need to vent to people who understand

by on Sep. 28, 2010 at 10:20 AM
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by on Sep. 28, 2010 at 10:39 AM

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you joined the group, you will find lots of comfort here.
I'm sorry you keep getting those questions, I'm not sure why people need to ask, like it is any of their business. As far as your coworker...if it really does bother you I think you would be fine telling her that it does make you uncomfortable, I'm sure she has plenty of people she can share her happiness with. It will get easier with time.
Don't question why it bothers you, it is a heartbreaking thing. It is completely understandable.
We are all here for you!! **HUGS**

by on Sep. 28, 2010 at 10:48 AM


I'm sorry for you lost. I had my first mc with our second baby about a month ago. We told our closetest friends and my dad and in laws but we didn't tell our son because he is only 2 1/2 and realy doens't under stand the whole baby thing. All of our friends and my dad were very support when we were going though this but my mil was the worst because she was always calling my husband wanted to know what was going on, what we were going to do next and what the dr had to say of why this happen but instead of my husband telling her to back off or mind her business he told her almost everything expect for what I was going thought becuase she didn't need to know what but sometimes I feel if she did then should would have back off and would have just lefted us alone to grief. I also had to tell my husband to have his mom not saying to anyone because if not she would have told everyone in the family about us lossing our baby and to me that's something personal and should be shared with others. She keeps asking what we are going to do next and when we are going to ttc again but my husband thankfully doesn't tell her crap but we are ttc again and wheneve it happens we are not going to tell anyoone inlcuding her right away. I have couple of my friends who are pregnant and will not tell me what is going on because they think it will upset me but I tell them i'm just fine and I'm happy for them but then I have a so called friend who doens't care what I'm going though or feeling and rubs being pregnant in my face.

I know my husband trys to understand but he really don't understand what I'm really going though and I'm very thankfully to have this group because everyone in here understands.

by on Sep. 28, 2010 at 10:52 AM
I am so very sorry for your loss. Losing a baby is so hard and questions from others never help. I agree with Rachelle that you should be honest with your coworker. You are grieving the loss of your baby. Just know that with time things will get "easier". Hugs and prayers to you. We are all here for you! Vent/cry/complain as often as you need to!
by on Sep. 28, 2010 at 10:53 AM

I'm so sorry for your loss.  When people are really persistent about asking when we're going to have another and keep pushing it, I often tell them that I had a recent miscarriage.  I think that it helps people to be more sensitive in the future, so maybe some other woman doesn't have to feel cornered by an endless string of questions about when and unsolicited opinions about how far apart children should be.  If you don't know me, please don't presume that I want to hear that I absolutely HAVE to have my kids X number of years apart...

Just my opinion.  I find that I feel much better when I am upfront in that situation.

by on Sep. 28, 2010 at 11:03 AM

 Im sorry for you loss hon! I have had 2 miscarriages one in march and one 4 days ago so i know ecactly what you are going thorough. im in the same situation that you are in, my sil got pregnant around the same time as me and she is due nov 3.. that was my due date, i totally understand what you are feeling (hugs)

Cafe Jenn
by on Sep. 28, 2010 at 12:03 PM

I'm sorry for your loss.

I often get asked or suggested to about having #3 when I visit dh at work.  I just glare at them and smile.  

I agree that saying something to your co-worker would be helpful the next time they ask.  Just tell them that while you are happy for her that it still hurts knowing that you experienced a loss.

by on Sep. 28, 2010 at 12:10 PM

((HUG)) I remember when I lost my first. No one understood why I couldn't be around my brother's girlfriend (who was pregnant at the time). Then when I told everyone I was pregnant with this one (at 14 weeks, so I wouldn't have to tell them I lost this one too) they all said "make sure you don't lose this one too" like it was my fault I miscarried in the first place. 

But you feel the way you feel. Don't try to question it or explain it to anyone. I understand that you don't want to take away from her happiness. Is there any way you can "avoid" the convos about her pregnancy (like "step out" for a few mins to go to the restroom, or to get some air, or even take a phone call)? Or you could pull your co worker aside and let her know while you are so, so happy for her, sometimes all the "baby talk" is a bit much for you to handle right now.

I know it hurts so bad right now. But it does get better (or not so much better, as you get strong enough to deal with it). If you need someone to talk to, I'm a message away on here. 

by Bronze Member on Sep. 28, 2010 at 2:07 PM

I told all my kids as soon as I found out I was pregnant.  I've always heard you should wait to tell them until you start showing, but I never dreamed I'd miscarry.

So, now my 4 year old has learned that she's still a big sister, to an angel baby in heaven.  And that's what she tells people.  And that's ok, because even though I was only pregnant for 2 months, we heard the heartbeat and it was a baby there that will not be forgotten.

Lilypie - Personal pictureLilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
by on Sep. 28, 2010 at 3:00 PM

Im sorry.With our 1st loss i had kept it to myself because i wanted to get it confirmed at the dr's before i told anyone i was expecting.So i didnt have to worry about what to tell my kids.After the loss i only told dh and our parents.For a long time i just couldnt talk about it and didnt even want anyone else to know.Up until just recently.In Jan i bought a necklace with all the kids birthstones including our angel's and my oldest dd would ask who's it was and id just change the subject.I thought i was protecting them by not telling them,but really i was trying to protect myself.My kids never forget anything and they are not shy about sharing stuff like this,so i was afraid of how i would handle it if they decided to mention their baby sister to other family members or the old lady at the grocery store.I wasnt ready to deal with everyone knowing.And with our last 2 losses only dh and i know about them for the simply fact that i think our family would just outright say they dont believe us,since i had my tubes tied.

And my dh doesnt understand either why i get upset about seeing other pregnant ladies or even newborns.I tried to explain to him how it makes me feel,he says "i get it" but i dont think he can ever truely understand since he cant ever experience what its like to be pregnant.

by on Sep. 28, 2010 at 4:26 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss we all know how difficult this time is. I still have clients ask me how my pregnancy is going and my 3year old keeps asking me as well. There is a children's book out there called 'we were going to have a baby, but we had an Angel instead' maybe you could read that to your daughter. I hope you find comfort soon, but let yourself go through the grieving process. Don't hold your true feelings inside and use us for support. That's what we're here for. HUGS to you.
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