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I Rise (OT; Pregnancy Mentioned)

Posted by on Feb. 9, 2011 at 5:53 PM
  • 16 Replies

Thank you to everyone who helped rally me yesterday. I was feeling overwhelmed and broken and couldn't even articulate all I was thinking/feeling.

For me, the last blow was having problems with gestational diabetes. I've been down the GD road before and have no problem with controlling sugars. My body just doesn't make enough insulin, so sugar and weight conrol are no sweat for me. However, my body was going wonky the past two weeks and the resulting diet and insulin adjustments had me sleep deprived (since I had to take my one bedtime shot later and later--and wake to eat in the wee hours of the morning). Despite my best efforts, my fasting blood sugar was going haywire and I was spilling ketones in my urine. And I just had it yesterday. I couldn't imagine 4-7 more weeks of this. Basically, I've been lucky to have two naps through the night, given disruptions. And I'm lucky if each nap is 3 hours long. After a full day of work and then being mom/wife (and trying to finish a second graduate degree and prep the house for baby), that much sleep (MAX) a night isn't a whole heck of a lot. And, believe me, there have been nights that I have been lucky to get 3-4 hours of sleep.

So I broke yesterday. I was feeling like a huge failure in every way--feeling like I could not keep going or keep up. And, worst of all, feeling like I was failing this baby. But a number of you wonderful women came to the rescue and offered comfort. And some of you helped me to shift my perspective enough that I could tell myself to get some rest and try to look through fresh eyes.

(RACHELLE: I did take a long hot shower last night--which helped to mellow me. GENA: I took a few moments to reconnect with myself after work and to read a little for fun in the evening. Then I found I could play a bit more with my DS, who got me outta my own head.)

Thankfully, I have a new plan with my GD nurse and the focus is rest. :-) Sleep dep can cause hormone changes that can affect sugar/ketones, so I'm supposed to get more rest this week and we'll go from there. (HOORAY!)

This morning, with 8 cumulative hours of sleep buoying me (woo hoo!), I woke feeling exhausted but not overwhelmed. Felt more like myself. And, as I got out of bed, I actually heard Maya Angelou's voice in my head saying, "Still I Rise." Now, that poem is not at all about woes like mine, but there's a section I started reciting to myself as I did my morning routine that, taken out of the poem's context, made me feel damn good:

(EXCERPT FROM "STILL I RISE" BY MAYA ANGELOU)

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries?

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own backyard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

----------------

Here's to the fighting spirit in all of us. I hope we all find a way to RISE!

xoxo!




by on Feb. 9, 2011 at 5:53 PM
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Replies (1-10):
jellybeanbrew
by on Feb. 9, 2011 at 6:00 PM

 Ok, now I'm crying in a good way.  My mom always says that, we will rise above this, and conquer.  And it's become a family mantra for us.  Thanks for the reminder, and Hugs to you.

Rachelle11503
by on Feb. 9, 2011 at 6:00 PM

whew that poem made me all tingly!
Soooo glad you are feeling better today! The end of pregnancy can be so hard and you have a few factors that make it even harder on you. I just know I dont ever want to hear you say you feel like a failure!! LOL...I look up to you, you are amazing.
Keep in mind that you are allowed to have "those days", I just wish I was there to pamper you when you do (just no foot rubs LMAO...not sure if you remember my anti-foot thing) But we'll always be here to try to pick you up :)
Love and Hugs!!

desperatelyTTC
by on Feb. 9, 2011 at 6:02 PM

 Wow, that is a powerful poem!! Glad you feel better, love!!:)

xoNIKKIox
by on Feb. 10, 2011 at 7:32 PM

huggingWhat a great family mantra! :-)

Quoting jellybeanbrew:

 Ok, now I'm crying in a good way.  My mom always says that, we will rise above this, and conquer.  And it's become a family mantra for us.  Thanks for the reminder, and Hugs to you.





xoNIKKIox
by on Feb. 10, 2011 at 7:34 PM

Thank you for the kid words, Rachelle. :-)

I am feeling more and more like myself. I keep telling myself to take baby steps--conquer little bits at a time. Be more patient with myself. And I've gotten out of that "feeling like a failure" rut. (Phew!)

P.S. YES, I toally remember your anti-foot stance. LOL! I'll never ask you to give me a pedicure. ;-)

Quoting Rachelle11503:

whew that poem made me all tingly!
Soooo glad you are feeling better today! The end of pregnancy can be so hard and you have a few factors that make it even harder on you. I just know I dont ever want to hear you say you feel like a failure!! LOL...I look up to you, you are amazing.
Keep in mind that you are allowed to have "those days", I just wish I was there to pamper you when you do (just no foot rubs LMAO...not sure if you remember my anti-foot thing) But we'll always be here to try to pick you up :)
Love and Hugs!!





xoNIKKIox
by on Feb. 10, 2011 at 7:35 PM

Thanks, Sarah! :-)

Quoting desperatelyTTC:

 Wow, that is a powerful poem!! Glad you feel better, love!!:)





Hel5030
by Bronze Member on Feb. 10, 2011 at 9:24 PM

As I read that poem I heard her voice in my head reading it to me... She is so powerful and inspirational! I love her!

And I'm glad to hear that you're feeling more like yourself. I was having a crappy couple of days myself. I really think it was in the air! I know we all have our days when it seems like the world around us is crumbling. So, when you're feeling down and overwhelmed know that we are all here for you!! :) we can't be superwoman everyday lol! Sometimes even she needs a day off from saving the world :)

Sending you a bunch of hugs!!

Jamie

GoldenLinds
by Silver Member on Feb. 10, 2011 at 9:34 PM

 Maya is always a wonderful place to turn when you start getting down into a funk. My best friend is good at supplying just hte right lines and poems when I need them. THis si a great example. Glad you are feeling better today!

cali_angel_girl
by Amy on Feb. 10, 2011 at 10:50 PM

I'm glad your feeling better :) and I love that poem.

xoNIKKIox
by on Feb. 11, 2011 at 2:37 PM

Thanks, Jamie. :-)

Like you, I hear Maya's voice in my head when I think of that poem. Same goes for "Phenomenal Woman." Somehow, the strength of her delivery adds to the confidence the poem inspires in me.

I'm realizing more and more how the sleep dep was completely breaking me. I can handle being exhausted--but that relentless sleep dep took me to a different place. Having a bit more sleep every night is helping me stay, well . . .  ME. LOL!

Quoting Hel5030:

As I read that poem I heard her voice in my head reading it to me... She is so powerful and inspirational! I love her!

And I'm glad to hear that you're feeling more like yourself. I was having a crappy couple of days myself. I really think it was in the air! I know we all have our days when it seems like the world around us is crumbling. So, when you're feeling down and overwhelmed know that we are all here for you!! :) we can't be superwoman everyday lol! Sometimes even she needs a day off from saving the world :)

Sending you a bunch of hugs!!

Jamie





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